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Saturday, December 30, 2006

Woman charged with malicious castration

How could one NOT read a story with that headline? Apparently, she did it with her BARE HANDS and he required FIFTY stitches! She must have those really long acrylic nails or something. This happened at a Christmas party and my favorite quote of the story is "All three [victim, attacker and hostess] were heavily intoxicated, police Chief Frank Powers said." NO DOUBT!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Another Blizzard ?!?!?!?!?!??

This is not normal for Colorado front range - 2 blizzards in 10 days?
I am working from home again today. Took Kimo to the ear doc's this am. He has negative pressure and it could be this, yada yada, it could be that yada yada. Net result, I have to take him back yet again in 4 months. I wonder if they don't just like the steady stream of $30 specialist co-pays and insurance checks. That's not very nice but when you work 55 miles from home and the doc is 15 miles in the opposite direction, a "simple" appointment becomes a logistical nightmare.
I know da kane is a lot closer, but I handle all the medical appts because he doesn't get all my questions answered and can't repeat the appointment verbatim for me when I get home.
This is related to my strong interest in medicine. This is how I prefer to describe my hypochondria!
I was able to get the heartbeat on my rented doppler over last weekend. I am not listening daily as there is some debate over the effect of the sonic waves on the little bean when used a lot. Boy, let me tell you what a reassurance it is to be able to hear him/her.
I've been a LOT MORE nauseous this past week or so than the first trimester, which is weird. Whatever it takes to get to a healthy bouncing June baby!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Blizzard!

My Goodness! The Christmas Blizzard of '06 is upon us. It's been windy and snowing like crazy since 6 am.
If you want to get into the mood, check out this site - this is the scientist that took the snowflake pictures on this year's secular postage stamps - Snowflakes. Very cool. I think a crafty type person could do some very neat stuff with those pics.
Yesterday's appt was reassuring. Honestly, until I get the amnio back and maybe not even until 20 weeks, I will be unsure of this and somewhat nervous. It's just inevitable after 4 losses in 5 pregnancies in 4 years. All prayers, white light and good thoughts are appreciated. You will notice I got over the jinx enough to post my pg ticker above.
The Christmas pic is just of DS and I because da Kane has STRICTLY PROHIBITED release of his photos! I did get a nice shot of da Kane and DS for my office and a surprisingly good shot of da Kane and I (I generally detest pics of myself) this year. Our family shot was disappointing, but que sera, it will make me look that much more stunning in next year's.
I have eaten terribly today. I don't know what it is about working from home so close to the kitchen, but I don't eat actual meals, I graze a lot and I don't focus on protein like I am *trying* to do. Much like I do on weekends, but at least on those days I try to have regular breaky/lunch times with DS.
My fasting blood sugar was better today - 86. Not surprising since I had a run-in with a piece of fudge before bed. Doc wants it below 90 while pregnant. I with the stupid Dr R-J would get in touch. A rant for another day.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Fasting Blood Sugars Dropping?

I'm a little concerned that my fasting blood sugars are dropping when my meds and insulin dose are staying the same. Could my cold be causing this? Or the fact that I stopped Progesterone supplementation a week ago? I don't think I'm eating that much differently, but I am not snacking much after dinner because I'm either going to sleep or I'm battling heartburn. This has me worried that something is wrong with Little Bean.
Luckily, I have an ultrasound at 11 am today - that will put my mind at ease. Then, after that I will call the endo's office, if I can get through during their short window of operation - 8:30 to 11 and 1:30 to 3:30 or something ridiculous like that. I want to know why he wanted to see me every 4 weeks last preg and this time he hasn't wanted to see me yet and I'm 13 wks. And shouldn't he be testing my TSH? I thought the synthetic thyroid would need to be adjusted during preg.
I guess I was due for a day with a lot of questions - it's been a few. If anyone knows anything about this stuff, PLEASE POST.
PS Little Bean is just fine - kicking and rolling and bouncing up a storm. I can see why Tom Cruise had to buy his own ultrasound machine. It would be tempting if I had the money.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Mommy and James Xmas '06


Mommy and James Xmas '06
Originally uploaded by Ottoette.
Not too bad, don't know how they can charge what they do and not take the glare off my specs. I can do it, but no time yet!
13 WEEKS today!! WooooHoooooo! Bye-buh 1st trimester!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Not morning sickness

I had an awful 48 hour bug. I am still not better, but at least I can sit upright and type a little.
Got the test results. My odds of a Downs baby based on my age alone are 1 in 22. After the screening, it's 1:421. Odds of Trisomy 13 or 18 on age alone are 1:41, post-screening, they are 1:801. I am pretty happy with those numbers, so we will wait on an amnio and skip the CVS and risks with that.
Do NOT want to go to work today. Am going to try and take tomorrow off so I can get ahead of the xmas stuff. I wasn't doing too badly but 2 sick days in prime card/shipping time messed me up. I would like to get EVERYTHING wrapped up this weekend so I can enjoy the week before Christmas. Not likely but I can Try!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Always waiting

Just vomited for the first time this pregnancy. It was the damn protein bar I had for breakfast. It can make me kinda nauseated even when not pregnant. Yuck, just want a nap now, but I'm at work!
Waiting, waiting, waiting on the Peri's office to call with the rest of the 1st trimester screening results. They told me Mon or Tues - I should have known it would be Tues or Wed!
Yuck, yuck, yuck, can't get the smell and taste gone. Must go brush teeth now.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Debating Decisions

I am questioning the CVS test again. 1 in 100 causing a m/c (miscarriage) doesn't seem too bad, but the amnio is 1 in 1000. I can't imagine the devastation if I had the CVS, then had a m/c that may have been caused by the CVS, then found out the genes were all normal.
I guess I'm taking my lead from the specialist, Dr. Bill. He would actually perform the test. Since Dr. Bill kept going on about how invasive it was and how the amnio is safer; naturally I was influenced. My reg ob/gyn, Dr. H., tried that on me too, but I reminded him that we had done CVS with Kimo and I knew his wife had done CVS on both their pgs, including twice on one because the first sample didn't grow.
The question always comes down to what would we do with bad results. If you would terminate, the sooner you know the better. I am still not sure. We were so sure in the past, but there is such a range of defects and possibilities.
I must get back to being semi-productive. My day off was wonderful but I didn't get a whole lot accomplished.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

So far so good on 1st Trimester Screen

The little bean was kicking and waving up a storm. Good strong heartbeat AND he/she measures right on for our 6/23 due date.
We had some trouble getting him to pose for the Nuchal Translucency measurement which mean a lot of probing around with the transvaginal ultrasound. Can you say - Ow? But got one somewhat clear shot and it was 1.5 which is right in the middle of what they want to see, anything over 2.5 is really pointing towards Downs.
Ultrasound Tech and hubby thought they saw a dangle between the legs, but I missed it. I have a gut feeling it's a boy anyway.
5 days till the hormone work comes back and we'll have a better look at our odds of major chromosonal problems. We will PROBABLY not do CVS and just wait and do an amnio. It will depend on the results on Mon or Tues.
I am very happy with the results so far.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and good wishes, I could really feel them today.

Today's the Big Test!

I am SO anxious! 5 hours to go and I'm about to jump out of my skin.
I am not worried they will find genetic problems, I am worried they will not find a heartbeat.
Da Kane is coming up to go to the appt with me.
Dang root canal is bugging me big time today. Not fun.
Sleep was spotty and much interrupted last night. 1 Phone call - 2 DS nightmares - 2 potty runs and insomnia each time from thinking about today. No wonder my tooth hurts. I have often noted that my pain threshold lowers substantially when I am tired.
I have been thinking about the Wheel of Fortune card below. I have always been extremely lucky. From getting into the newspaper business, to getting moved to Hawaii, to marrying da Kane and having my son. Even moving back from Hawaii to Las Vegas in time for my Mother's final illness was luck. I need to trust that this pregnancy is going to turn out just as it is supposed to.

Monday, December 04, 2006

11 weeks 2 days!


You are The Wheel of Fortune


Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success


The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.



Feeling ok. No painkillers (even ibuprofen) for several days. Questioning if I need this root canal today. Will have a long talk with dentist before he begins.
Level II ultra-sound and possible CVS (kinda like amnio, but done earlier) on Thursday. Hopefully, this appt will put my mind at rest at least for a little while. It has been difficult to get to this point. Still no heartbeat on home doppler, but still many signs of pregnancy.
Up another pound on the scale. Trying not to beat myself up over it, but try to eat according to plan.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Ahhhhhhhh, falling apart!

Gosh, now I have a cold. Very sore throat, headache, earache, sinuses packed and alternately draining and aching. Tooth still hurts.
Yucky, yucky, yucky.
And big, big holiday events weekend planned. I really would like to spend a couple days in bed. But soccer buddies, library, community tree lighting/Santa arrival, church and 4 yr old b-day party all await. Plus I need to get my holiday letter done AND get the rest of the decorations out and put the boxes away!
Let's cross off the baking I hoped to do - just one batch of cookies, but that's a 2-3 hr project I can't afford this weekend.
This morning is espresso cart day and lobby tree trimming at work - so I must run to fit that in along with the actual work.
Nausea keeps coming and going, now I'm not sure if it's the Little Bean or the cold or the tooth!
I was getting pretty stressed about L.B. yesterday and called my ob/gyn's nurse. My new mantra is "no cramping, no bleeding = all is well".

Monday, November 27, 2006

10w 2d or now my teeth give out

My body has a way of getting even with me. I am so worried about every lower abdominal twinge and trickling feelings that I just ignored a sore jaw Friday. Saturday I found the Anbesol and started applying it regularly. Sunday I was grateful that they have now ok'd ibuprofen for the first 6 months of pregnancy.
Of course, my quarterly cleaning appt is tomorrow but I could NOT wait another day for some help. Went to see Dr Paul, my dentist/comedian today. Apparently a root canal I had done in Hawaii some 12-14 years ago is not completely root free and I have some sort of infection below the tooth. Loverly.
I never did like that dentist, didn't feel comfortable in his professionalism. Having moved so much in my life; I have seen lots of different dentists. There are only 2 who I really felt weren't doing a good job. Or maybe a couple more that I never went back to, but only 2 who did any substantive work on my pearly whites. (after 27 years of smoking and 25 years of heavy coffe/cola consumption, perhaps ivories would be a better choice of words).
This is not the first time my teeth have started acting up in the 1st trimester. I'll save you the boring stories but I will offer some hard-learned advice - NEVER, EVER, EVER go for a dental cleaning in your 8th month of pregnancy!! Ouchie!
I had a nice thanksgiving overall. I must admit that I let the teeth and preg worries take over and I was rather snappish to both da Kane and my dear son. I will have to make it up to them. 4 days straight of a 3 yr old is a bit much unless you're some kind of early childhood education saint!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Worth 1,000 Words?


My darling son was NOT posed like this. This was his natural inclination. Should this concern me? Or let me know he appears to be hetero?
Edited to add that I think he was trying to take her hand. Of course I'm not sure, but he doesn't grab at my breasts or anyone else's that I know of.

Monday, November 20, 2006

9w 2d - moving right along

Only 18 days to go til the next ultrasound - big screening to see how bebe is doing. Actually seems like a very long time since the last u/s was 7 days ago. I worry with every twinge. It's awful in a way.
I'm in a pumpkin pie contest today. I made a lower sugar pie yesterday and only made one! When da Kane complained, I mentioned that he doesn't even like pump.pie and he said it smelled good so he wanted a piece. Oh I see, you eat one piece and then I have 7 slices of my favorite pie hanging around the house? And it won't still be good in 4 or 5 days, so I still have to make one fresh on Wed or Thurs.
Sugars are "ok". Could still be a little lower in the am. I am up to 8 units of Humulin N at dinner time and today's fasting was still 93. They want it below 90 while I am preggers. Easy enough to do if I would stick to my eating plan!!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Another Dr's Appt - 8wks 2 days

All is well. I was SO happy to see the heartbeat again. Baby measures right on for timing. Now if we could just skip ahead 5 or 6 weeks and be out of the first trimester!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Great Trip, now nerves 7 5/7th weeks

We had a wonderful trip to NM. Great to see my Aunt & Uncle, I haven't seen them in 3 years. Both my brothers and sis-in-law came up for lunch on Sat. We had a nice lunch then went to a park for a couple hours. Lots of good green chile, but I don't know if I will EVER again find a smothered breakfast burrito with green sauce like Clark's in Alamogordo used to make. Oh, I miss the green sauce of Southern NM!
Lots of nausea in odd moments, which I take to be a WONDERFUL sign. I haven't actually thrown up (sorry, tmi) but I never did with DS either.
I should be over the moon about the heartbeat. In the past 5 pregnancies in 4 years, only twice has there been a heartbeat at 6 weeks. Once was my son, the other was the trisomy 21 (down syndrome) baby who passed at 17 weeks. So I feel like I'm still looking at 50/50 odds of a healthy full-term baby. And that's perhaps optimistic since I am 4 years older than the first loss, 3 yrs older than when my son was born.
December 7th is my next appointment with the Obstetrics specialist and I can have the CVS test at that time. It slightly increases the risk of miscarriage but we had that test with DS and all was well. Optimistically speaking, I should know by December 12th if this baby is genetically ok. That's only 4 weeks from Monday. So why can't I just relax?
Today I have an appt with the nutritionist and I'm hoping she can get me fired up. I really fell off the wagon on the NM trip, and I really need to be as healthy as possible for this baby.
I am keeping my therapy sessions too. I don't know how we can afford all these co-pays. 4x therapy a month, 1x nutritionist, 1x Obstetrician, 1x my regular ob/gyn, 1x my endocrinologist. And I think I'm forgetting somebody! Whatever happened to 1 doctor for EVERYTHING??
I really need to get some work done today. But I would like to leave you with this thought. Why are all the eggs we don't use while we're on the pill wasted? Why can't they be stored up and used in our 40's? I was on the pill for about 10 years, so that's 120 eggs! I only need ONE good egg!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Houston, We have a heart beat

Hard to believe, but the fetus is 0.62 cm (1/5 inch) long and ALREADY has a heartbeat! So far so good.
Off to Albuquerque with the travel trailer for a long weekend, be back Tuesday for the election. PLEASE let sanity prevail this time and let's throw those republicans OUT! I considered myself a republican for a long time, but face it, we need to shake Washington up! Is this the country you thought it was as a child?
Blood sugar was 84 at bedtime, so I drank a cup of warm milk to keep from going low overnight with the Humulin N I am taking now. So this morning, it was 107! Doctor would like it below 90 since I'm preggers, so I guess I didn't need the milk? Isn't there a happy medium SOMEWHERE? This balancing act is kinda tricky with the additional hormones doing god knows what.

Monday, October 30, 2006

More Wait and See

I didn't get my HcG re-tested until Friday, due to the blizzard. It was 10,000. This is quite an improvement over past pregnancies but it should have doubled every 2 days, meaning it should have been 16,000. However, I have read that a 150% increase instead of 200% increase is acceptable, so maybe 10,000 means the baby's still viable.
I see the specialist on Thursday including an ultrasound to see if there's a visible sac/embryo/heart beat. I will just continue to try to stay calm and healthy but not fixate on it. (No days spent at Babycenter boards).
I have not told any medical professionals that I'm using the progesterone gel from the last pregnancy. I just called the pharmacy and I did have a refill left so I ordered it. It won't be in until tomorrow. If that's what's sustaining the pregnancy, 4 or 5 days without it might be enough to end it? Unless it was sustaining it because I am deficient. My fasting blood sugar this morning was the lowest (92) that it's been in a couple weeks - is that a bad sign that HcG is dropping (HcG increases insulin resistance)? I don't know. Then again, maybe it's the thyroid meds or the increased metformin or the luck of the egg genetics draw.
Or the sperm genetics. The doctors just assume these lost pregnancies are due to "bad eggs". I realize at my age that's probably a safe assumption, but it's NOT CERTAIN. STOP BLAMING ME. Although I have no control over it, I can still feel a lot of guilt over the "bad eggs".
You can see how quickly I can go crazy trying to analyze all the data without a medical or statistical degree.
The nurse at the specialist was trying to pin me down about labor and delivery and if I would continue to see my regular ob/gyn and all these other details. I finally said, with my voice cracking and the tears probably evident, "I haven't thought that far ahead, let's just get to the 11th week and then we'll see".
The 11th week is the genetic testing, so if we get past this 7/8 week jinx, I can worry about that instead.
Ok, must get my head back on straight. If it is meant to be, it will be. I can only do everything I can do to maintain a healthy pregnancy, and then it is no longer up to me!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Drive-by

A quick drive-by post as this is a busy day.
The Blizzard of '06 kept me home yesterday. No way was I going to risk an accident or getting stuck at work, or sleeping by the highway when I can telecommute. Luckily, my boss is very cool about it. We got 21 inches of snow in about 15 hours - it was AMAZING.
What is even more bizarre is that it's supposed to be 55 degrees today! Colorado is the oddest weather I have ever lived in. With 12 states under my belt, that's saying something.
Still pregnant! Going to a specialist next week for a consultation because I am not confident that my ob/gyn knows every available option to deal with my particular situation. The new guy will co-manage with my reg doc, so that's very good.
Of course by late next week when my consultation is, I will be coming up on 7 weeks very quickly, and that is the most common time for me to miscarry.
HOWEVER, my HcG on Monday was 3976 and it has NEVER gotten that high in the past 3 pregnancies. Honestly, I am just trying not to think about it too much. I'm being as healthy as I can, although I could do some more exercise.
I am dressed as a pirate today, and have lots to do before the company kids halloween party at 3 this afternoon. My son should be here about 2:30 - I can't wait - he looks really awesome in his pirate costume. I will post a pic very soon!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

High Sugar Hand Lotion

My blood sugar was much higher than I thought it should be yesterday, so I went and washed my hands really well and tested again and it was 30 pts lower! I put my new hand lotion on again and re-tested - high again.
So, my lovely new Nightingale Naturals Natural Body Lotion must contain a LOT of sugar! I have the Lavendar Tangerine and it smells almost good enough to eat. But it is HIGH SUGAR.
I read over at busymom.net yesterday about hand lotioners and lip balmers and how winter brings them out. Yep, that's me! Where's my carmax??

Monday, October 23, 2006

Here we go again

I am elated and terrified. On day 37 of my cycle (yesterday) I finally decided that waking up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom and the persistent fatigue last week were enough reasons to test and it was positive.
No doubt, 2nd line came up fast and much darker than the test line.
This is my 4th pregnancy in 2 years. The other 3 ended in weeks 7 or 8 for unknown reasons. I am week 5 now.
I have already quit smoking (9.5 months now), I don't drink hardly anyway, I am eating as well as I know how with the new nutritionist's plan. I already cut out most of the aspartame that was in my diet.
I started the progesterone suppositories last week just in case. This is another long story with my ob/gyn.
There's not much else I know to do, except cut my coffee to a minimum, exercise daily and perhaps eat a little more.
I have not told da kane yet. In an effort to protect his own feelings, he has been less than enthusiastic the last 2 pregnancies. I can understand, but I also know that we cannot get to a live biological child without going through the pregnancy, so it is cause for guarded celebration.
I need to call my endo and I'm sure they'll start me on Lantus again. I actually took 4 units last night - the starting dose of my last pregnancy. My fasting bg was 108 this morning, too high for pregnancy. However, the lantus may be old. Stupid stuff goes bad in 6-8 weeks.
I need to call my nutritionist and see what she says. Haha, this is very funny as I have left 2 messages for them in the past 10 days and they haven't returned the calls yet. I am assuming I should just up my calorie intake, but she may want to bail on the situation, given her specialty is bariatrics and sports performance.
I need to decide if I want my ob/gyn to refer me to another specialist. I like him and ADORE his nurse, but he doesn't seem to have much experience with high risk pregnancies - he certainly got DS delivered safely, but I am 3 years older and now have T2 diabetes added to the mix.
I need a good cry probably. I feel very emotional. I can't believe how frightened I am. That can't be good. I need to pray. I am not much of an organized religion person, but I do have my own strong beliefs in a higher power.
It's so ironic, my last period was 9/16. On 9/29 I told my endo we should switch focus from pregnancy to weight loss and I probably conceived within a day or two of that statement.
This is very good in that I could still get a maternity leave in under my present company. My position isn't supposed to end until 12/31/07. They have even better maternity leave now than when DS was born.
Oh, I finally dropped the lb I was stalled on Saturday. Today I am up 2 lbs from there. Funny I'm not even concerned about it now.
Now for the fun of the day:
You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic
While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good
Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Are you SURE it's not Saturday?

I didn't set my alarm last night. I woke up at 5:50-something and thought "oh, it must be Saturday since my alarm didn't go off". Stretched for a couple minutes and got to thinking that it really must be Friday. Started to doze off and heard the doorbell. Now, the doorbell didn't actually chime, but in my half-sleep I would have sworn it did. This is usually my sub-conscious mind trying to alert my conscious mind that it needs to WAKE UP. It's funny, normally it's a phone ringing sound. Once it was my Dad's voice calling me. Sometimes it is becuase DS is calling me or it's my pager going off.
I got up late and DS got up early. We try to avoid crossing our paths in the am because I hear a lot of "Mommy, you stay with me today!" or "I come to work with you!" Neither of which is likely most days. The Da Kane was irritated because he felt that I woke DS up unnecessarily. When he's calling loudly to me "Mommmy, need to go potty" - I can't just ignore him.
And I got on the scale and was down .5 lbs - then I got on it again to be sure I was in the exact right spot on the scale and I was UP .5 lbs. Now I'm getting PISSED!
This is my history with dieting. I do really well for a couple weeks (usually I lose more like 12 or 15 lbs the first 2-3 weeks) and then I stall out. And then I start cheating. And then it's all over.
How do I break that cycle this time? I am tired of writing down every bite. Of being really hungry from 10:00 - 11:30 every morning and waiting anxiously for my 3 pm snack every afternoon. It really sucks to think about food almost all the time, but only eat a tiny bit. I am so ready for a big mexican combo plate at Amigo's - the chile relleno, tamale and cheese enchilada is my favorite - all smothered with green sauce. Or the Chicken Chimichanga - which is just to DIE FOR.
Shit.


And to add insult to injury - the nutritionist's office never called me back yesterday. Both the doctor and the dietician told me to call anytime and I have called twice but never had a return call.
Can you believe I was thinner when DS was 8 weeks old than I am today??

Thursday, October 19, 2006

What to be for Halloween?

This was fun! Actually, my son and I are going to be "non-Pirates of the Carribbean" pirates!


Your Halloween Costume Should Be

A Martini

Still Stalled

Another day. I was perfectly on plan yesterday. 2 frozen meals though, which may have been a bit much sodium. I did work out. I am going to drink at least 60 oz of water today and stay on plan and cross my fingers.
Day 34 of the cycle too. That would truly be ironic if I got knocked up again the month I decided to stop "trying" so hard.
Many people might question why I weigh everyday, but believe me, it works better for me. If I weigh weekly, I am more tempted to indulge thinking I have days before the weigh in.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Weight loss stalled

Day 5 of the same weigh in. I find these stalls extremely frustrating. Why am I going hungry, spending all this time planning meals, etc, with no results? Of course I would probably feel the same if I had only lost .5 or 1 lb in this time frame. I wish I would start feeling better physically and then I could at least have that to keep my motivation waxing.
Also day 33 of this cycle. My average cycle length since the last miscarriage is 29.5 days. I don't feel preggers. Maybe my weight is stalling as a result of prolonged PMS? Every negative HPT feels like a huge failure these days, so I don't want to take one.
Admittedly, I am slacking on the working out. Today is my telecommute day. I have 1/2 hr of my lunch left, perhaps I should go downstairs and work out. That's what I'll do.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Temptation Island

Sunday afternoon and I'm feeling weak. My son just had a mini-pizza for lunch and there are several little slices left over. I ate like 700 calories for lunch.
Sunday afternoons have always been hard times for me. I get a mini-case of the blues.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Lucky 7

Yipppee!! I'm 7.5 lbs down as of this morning! WoooHooo. Let's hope tomorrow shows it's sustained. I did very well today, actually 100% on plan, whereas yesterday was pretty bad with the off-site meeting at a country club, all catered. I tried to balance my poor choices anyway.
Sugars are running a little higher than I'd like, but still low enough that they won't put me back on Lantus. I really need to get more faithful about checking them on this eating plan - which is now 2 weeks old!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Blog Downer

  • Is anyone reading this and just not commenting? If so, would you de-lurk and post a comment just so I know?
  • I have gotten hooked on several blogs and all of them seem to be taking a hiatus. Or posting once a week instead of daily. It has let me down.
  • I am back up a pound. I guess spaghetti is not really good for me, even though it was ww pasta, extra veggie sauce and ground turkey. I am not going to let it get me down.
  • I am NOT GOING TO LET IT GET ME DOWN.
  • I am on plan (OP) today at least
  • The Biggest Loser is on tonight
  • Soccer Buddies make-up session is also tonight
  • I must shut down my pc so that I may get something done around here - pitiful, isn't it?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

First Follow Up

I went yesterday and met with the dietician at the nutritionists office. According to their scale I am only down 2.8, at home I am down 4.5. Very discouraging. Of course, she told me that's what they'd like to see - max of 2 lbs a week. I don't go back for a month.
I was looking for a reward after the appointment and I had let myself get too hungry - not excuses, just examining my behavior so I can improve next time. I got back to work, and over the course of the afternoon I had my planned lunch plus a giant poppyseed muffin, a small scoop of jelly beans, a bag of micro popcorn. What is up with that? I *should* have felt all motivated and ready to stay steady on my course and instead I go nuts. I got back to normal after work and have been on plan since, but it was very revealing on an emotional level.
I was down 5 lbs yesterday morning, put 1/2 back on. It's unrealistic, but I feel like 4-5 lbs for 10 days is not commendable. The RD talked to me about not weighing so often, but I'm not sure I can do that. I don't know how to get my expectations in line. I guess in a way, The Biggest Loser is an anti-motivator, because they post 7-10 lb losses a week regularly, if not more! Heck, if I was at a spa someplace working out 2-3 hours a day I could probably do that too. But, I'm NOT.

This is the big allure of the fad diet - lose 12 lbs in 2 weeks!

1925: The Cigarette Diet — In the age before tobacco advertising restrictions, several cigarette companies hailed the appetite-suppressing qualities of their products. One ad for Lucky Strikes urged smokers to "Reach for a Lucky instead
of a sweet."

The RD is concerned I might end up smoking if I diet too hard, having just quit 9 months ago. I promised her I would eat before I would smoke. Current wisdom is that even 1 cig a day can be toxic, while 1 lb is really not much. Just 5-10% weight loss can improve your health whereas you have to quit totally to really benefit from quitting and I am living proof of the difficulty of that task!
I think I need something else to focus on - I am putting too much pressure on the scale. I guess I will take my measurements tonight and see if inches can help? Or maybe something totally different - some non-food related project. Any ideas?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Another One Bites the Dust!

Another pound gone! Looking back though, I put these 4 lbs on in about 5 days time a couple weeks ago so taking them off in 5 days time is not so thrilling. I have an appt with the nutritionist's nurse on Monday, so that will keep me going strong another 4 days, hopefully.
I am wearing my JDRF wristband to help me remember all the reasons I am doing this. They are mostly health-based, or son-based, very little to do with vanity. But I gotta tell you, I caught a glimpse of my butt in a pair of slacks the other day and it was horrifying.
Mostly still struggling with the lack of gum. Surprisingly enough the coffee thing hasn't bothered me much today, but I have had 2 cups of tea.
Yesterday I did my WW DVD at lunchtime and then ran around like a maniac at Soccer Buddies with my little guy after work. My heart started skipping beats and beating and odd rhythm at dinner, so I just went and layed (laid?) down and ended up asleep at 8:45, which is really when I should go to sleep anyway with a 4:45 wake-up time. I felt fine this am. I have premature ventricular contractions, but they don't usually act up unless I'm pretty hungover. Since I no longer drink enough to get that way, I was surprised. I will be watching it.
Oh, have you guys read "Julia" - another GREAT blog - I am adding it to the Blogroll!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Munching Withdrawl

Telecommute day is SO nice! But so close to the kitchen! I'm having troubles with the not snacking and the getting enough vegetables. I can only eat so many salads!
I am missing my coffee too! However, I'm on day 5 and lost 3 lbs in the first 4 days.
I cannot get excited about 3 lbs when I can gain 3 overnight and have been known to lose 8 or 9 in a week. But I'm trying to feel proud at least! I'm going in the right direction and I am learning new, healthy habits!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

New Life

Hmm, wonder if I should change my title since I'm not on insulin now?
The nutritionist (Dr S.) I went to was super-cool, I really liked her. I was so afraid she would be a skinny blonde cheerleader type that I just couldn't relate to, but she's brunette, cute figure but not super-skinny, glasses, smart and warm.
She has me on a Glycemic Index type diet but the biggest changes for me are eating 3 meals and one snack a day ONLY. NO sugarless gum or flavored waters or coffee with creamer between meals. Whoa - big change for me. The theory is that the constant stimulus of sweets in your mouth keeps the insulin and cortisol levels high in your body which messes up fat storage. (Obviously not everything she told me) My waist was 51” while my hips were 48”, so I’m a prime candidate for this theory of visceral fat being from cortisol. I have gained 15 lbs in the last 4 months while trying to lose, so it does make me wonder if the constant sugarless gum and flavored h2o wasn’t more hinderance than help.
The coffee thing is challenging me. I used to drink coffee pretty much all morning with sugarless french vanilla creamer in it. And flavored water the rest of the day.
It’s not strictly GI as I am allowed small portions of pasta or rice or whatever, but she stresses 20+ grams of protein at every meal! At least 60 gr protein a day, and each meal should have a carb/protein ratio of < 3.
The gum thing is challenging me, I had replaced smoking with the gum almost completely and didn't even realize it.
Dr. S didn’t make big promises she can’t/won’t keep, I check in with someone at her office every 2 weeks in person, I can call her for a pep talk, etc, etc.
She did offer phentermine (only after I brought it up because my endo had suggested it instead of Byetta) which I am afraid of, but will keep it in the back of my mind if I can stick to this plan but hit a plateau. I might consider a month of it here or there, maybe. I dunno - I did phen-fen in the 90’s before it was illegal and it made me feel really weird. This is the “safe” part of that potion, but she won’t use it for more than a month at a time, which was a relief. Made me feel like she wasn’t a quack. I have had friends lose a lot on phentermine, only to act very unlike themselves while on it, then gain it back within a year—not the solution I am looking for.
She also offered a meal replacement for 2 meals a day, only after I have done the GI thing for a couple months and only if I plateaued.
BEST of all - Dr S. works with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders/emotional eating, etc. The therapist even has an office in Dr S’s office. I actually feel hopeful and have been totally OP for 3 whole days!!!! In a row! amazing for me - huh?
I am having a much tougher time this morning. I want to munch, I want more coffee. I want, I want, I want! I want some gum, I want some food, I want coffee. I want water that tastes like something. I can have tea, so perhaps I will try a cup of that - without any sweetener - caloric or not.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Toddler Funnies

In the midst of potty training, DS was on the potty and I heard a noise.
"Are you pooping?", I ask.
"No, passing gasoline", he says. :-) Boy wouldn't that pay for college!

"I tell you joke", he says.
"knock-knock"
"who's there?" Mommy asks
"Banana" says James with a big grin
"Banana who?"
"Banana Eaten", says James who then cracks up with big belly laughs. I still don't get it but boy is it funny!

Friday, September 29, 2006

I'm SO excited!

And I just can't hide it! I know, I know, I know, I know I want you! Yes, I'm stuck in the disco age today, thanks to a novel I'm listening to - "Beyond the Blonde". A flashback chapter has our heroine trying to enter Studio 54 at the height of it's popularity. So far, a most entertaining novel but I'm only on disc 2. Listening to books in the car has made my commute seem shorter and even more importantly, seems to leave me less stressed.
Anyway, back to the source of my excitement.
I saw my endocrinologist today. He is supportive of my wish to change my focus from pregnancy to weight loss. I am going off Lantus IMMEDIATELY. He suggested phentermine instead of Byetta. More studies done on phentermine, longer history, etc. I am leery of phertermine because I did phen-fen for 3 days before it was outlawed and hated it - it made me very speedy and jittery. Everything else was fine with him.
Next up was the new nutritionist! I loved her! 35-ish, glasses, not too gorgeous, not too doctory-snobby, very nice and very helpful. She and her MA (Medical Assistant?) asked a ton of questions and I didn't feel at all rushed. She got me set up on a Glycemic Index type of diet. I need to write down the changes I'm going to make, but I haven't got time right now - that will be another post.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Hoisted by my own Petard


I had a great ranting and raving post about the new requirements to be put in a federal database to buy Tylenol Severe Sinus medication. I kept thinking about this post, yet freezing when I started to write it. Now that it's 3 weeks later I realize that I just don't want to write it!
AND it has nothing to do with the stated intent of this blog. AND it won't do any good anyway because the US govt is going to H-E-double hockey sticks in a handbasket anyway!
Tomorrow is endo appt and new dietician appt. My weight has been down and now is back up to the 2006 highest. GREAT! WTF is up with this?????
Last post I mentioned feeling sickly, I was hit HARD with a 22-hour nasty bug - I wonder now if it wasn't a touch of the e. coli bug. I don't know if you can get a mild case of that, but I was eating big containers full of spinach from Sam's Club most of that month. Hmmmmm?
More later, I just wanted to get something up here.
Oh yes, my son turned 3 yesterday!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Dazed by the Blogosphere

As you can see by my growing links section, I have been stumbling about the blogosphere, turning up rare gems left and right. This would seem like a waste of time on par with the boob tube, but it certainly feels more productive.
I really must organize the links better. I'm trying to decide whether to organize by theme - i.e. (in)fertility, diabetes, quit smoking, or by type - i.e. websites or blogs. I think themes would be easier for you - the reader, but many blogs cross topics. Hmmmmm.
Feeling rather sickly all of a sudden. Going to go lie down.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Cranky, Irritable, not much fun

Yep, that's me today. I don't even have a good excuse. Not PMS, nor TOM, or high-low sugar.
It started last night when I got home and my toddler head-butted me AGAIN, this time right in the mouth, quickly causing a fat lip. I adore my little guy, but we have talked about this time and time and time again, he's been doing it for about 18 months. He just doesn't have that good of a sense of where his body resides in space yet. Or what throwing his head back can do when he is sitting on Mommy or Daddy's lap. But it can be aggravating.
Actually it started before that when I was driving home and it was taking FOREVER. My time is so over-booked that some days I really resent driving a couple hours a day. Even though my pay and benefits are good.
Then da kane ticked me off. Then I had forgotten I had a side-job to do on an antique computer system in California. I cannot believe this company is still running this 15 year old PC with 20 year old software for an important part of their business. I am just about the only person in the United States that can help them for a reasonable sum and for some strange reason I feel obligated to assist. It only took about 90 minutes but STILL.
Today I continue to feel all pi$$y. Ugly word, but it truly fits. I can't really say Cranky anymore, because it makes me think of the crane on the Island of Sodor. (Where Thomas the Tank Engine resides). Irritable sounds like a rash.
Speaking of rashes, I found a new blog to love - DoctorMama. Check it out.
Now I am just rambling. This blog is starting to irritate me too - I do not spend enough time on my posts - it is more like a diary than any kind of art. Other blogs are so much better crafted than mine.
Ok, now I can hardly stand myself. Time to put the ear buds in with some "Adult Alternative" music and try to focus on actually doing what I am paid to do!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Return to the Working World

Back to work today and it was BRUTAL.
The alarm going off at 4:45 - UGH.
I hit the snooze 3 times, therefore did not do a workout.
I thought I had kept up last week pretty well, but I was WRONG. Very busy, which made the day go faster.
I took the car in for an oil change at lunchtime. Put my tennies on to walk around the block while it was there (yay me!). Got to the end of the block and SWORE I smelled wacky tobaccy. It's been a lotta years, but this guy parked in his truck was glaring at me funny, so I walked back down the way I had come. At least it was 10 mins extra intentional exercise.
The drive home seemed to take forever, like the drive in. I guess I am so used to the 45 mins each way I had forgotten how LONG it takes.
I am exhausted and had forgotten about an outside job I promised to do tonight. It's done running now and it's 9 pm, and 4:45 comes awful early.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Attack of the Munching Redhead


My lord, eat, eat, eat, that's all I'm doing for this one week online class at home. NOTHING is safe! Not the animal crackers, nor the cheese sticks!
I have done a few work-outs at lunchtime, which has helped with the bg levels at least.
I feel fatter than ever. The funny thing is that I keep reading about weight loss and diabetes control and then just do whatever! ARGHHH.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Regrets, I've had a few


But not too few to mention.
There are only a couple of big regrets in my life. Even fewer that I am willing to discuss publicly.
My college experience. Although I discovered newspapers and started my first career at Slippery Rock; I thoroughly messed up the primary academic purpose of being there, and ended up dropping out. I could write a whole entry about it, but suffice it to say I have had more than a dozen opportunities to regret that.
My alcohol abuse. I wish I had somehow figured it out sooner, and perhaps I would have quit sooner and grown up spiritually and emotionally sooner. These 2 regrets are tied together in several ways, and launched their own smaller regrets throughout my life.
Starting motherhood so late. This is the one that I regret most of all, this is the one that I beat myself up over late at night. It appears that I started too late to have multiple biologic children as I have always wanted.
I ADORE my son. I really do. Even though I have this picture to blackmail him with later in life.
He has added dimensions to my life I never expected, as well as the ones I did expect.
I wanted so desperately to have at least 2 children.
I want James to be and have a sibling. My brothers are so important to me, and were such a big part of my life growing up, that I want that for James. I truly think your siblings are really the only people who totally get where you come from.
Our family feels a bit incomplete.
My body just wants another baby. I feel aches and yearnings when I see babies, which is each day that I pick James up at Kindercare.
I want the chance to do the infant thing again, hopefully better this time.
I want to take some of the pressure off James. The only child pressure, and the mommy-guilt-fear-hypochondriac pressure.
I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant before James, and I have had 3 since he was born, at 7, 7 and 8 weeks. This last disappointment really hurt.
I turned forty-four 10 days ago. I know that theoretically I am not too old to carry a baby - but I am 60 lbs overweight, I have hypothyroidism and Type 2 Diabetes. Getting in better health and shape is another regret - I just can't seem to do it.
I feel I must give up this 2nd baby dream, but it leaves me in tears each time I think it.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Off pins & needles, on a downer

Nope. Negative, not gonna be this month.
I got the test results yesterday, then started my period today. Waste of a blood test, guess I could have just waited.
I was going to write about my reasons for still wanting a child. But I'm tired, and worn out and crampy and ugh, just don't feel like talking right now.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

On Pins and Needles

Alas, I have been blog-reading rather than blog-writing yet again.
There are so many talented women writing compelling blogs out there. Blogs on weight loss, on baby loss (miscarriage) and on diabetes. I start reading and if it's one I like, I go to the archives and can get lost.
Work has also picked up a bit this week. It's welcome. Another person is leaving our small, and getting smaller staff. It's difficult around here some days.
I am on day 36 of my cycle now. My cycles have always run 28-30 days, with the oddball 33 every few years. I bought a 2-pack of home pregnancy tests and both were negative.
They were the Wally World Equate brand and I noticed they have gone DOWN in price (5 pregnancies in 4 years and you notice the price). Once they were both negative, I looked more carefully at the box and they are now made in China, rather than Michigan or Canada. Hmmmmm.
I'm having a couple symptoms, but not my usual ones.
I call my beloved ob/gyn nurse. She is the greatest and has been there for me many times. It was her avoidance of eye contact at the amnio test almost 4 years ago that told me that the first baby was gone.
She says a blood test is the only way to know for sure, but the thyroid meds may have affected my cycle. I started on thyroid meds about 9 weeks ago. Shouldn't they have affected the last cycle instead? Not necessarily.
I went in and had my blood drawn this morning. My favorite phelbotomist was there and thrilled I was having a Quant HcG drawn. She has probably drawn a dozen of them on me. So I ended up telling her the story. She said I popped into her head a month or so ago at home and she hoped I would get preggers soon. My son asked last weekend where his brother was - very odd question, even from an almost-3 year old.
I have taken those 2 strange comments as a sign from the gods, heavens, whatever, that I am indeed pregnant again.
Only half, or even a quarter, of me believes this.
The other half thinks I will never have another baby. That makes me sad.
To be on the safe side, I am keeping my sugars in tight control and limiting my coffee to one cup a day.
Then I read about a 10 week old baby boy murdered by abuse and found to have several broken bones in various stages of healing and I get ANGRY. That poor precious child. How could those monsters have a baby and I can't? And why is adoption so expensive and so difficult? And I rage against it all for a few minutes.
Then tears............
then resignation................
maybe, someday............... acceptance.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Not the best Endo Visit

Ok, so I got my A1c last week - back up to 5.7. Doc marked "excellent" on my form letter, but I beg to disagree. It was 5.4 last visit. I know for a fact I have not been very good about bg control the past 8-10 weeks.
I can only try for next time. I realize for many that 5.7 would be good, but not given my history - I was only 6.0 when diagnosed with Type 2 a year ago. Doc upped my Lantus 20%.
My thyroid hasn't come up to what he'd like to see, still a touch low. So, another prescription, which I only take 1/2 a pill a day of.
I don't know when I can get the prescription filled. My brother and sister-in-law came into town Sat night for a quick visit. I have not seen them in 7 years. I came down with a cold shortly after their arrival Sat night. It was the fastest I have ever caught cold in my life. Maybe from all the house-cleaning earlier in the day? I was fine, we went for a walk, got back and my nose was all stuffed up, we all commented that maybe something was blooming. Within 30 mins I had a sore throat and headache.
Since I never see this bro, I forged ahead with sightseeing Sun and Mon and today am back to work with next to no voice left. This is probably a good thing.
More people quitting and/or being given notice. Makes for a stressful workplace. Which in turn raises my bg. I'm not sure what to do. I will telecommute tomorrow and that insulates me somewhat, at least for tomorrow.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Sleep Deprivation

About 4.5 hours of sleep last night, and it was choppy. Boy, am I tired.
We all know the effects of sleep deprivation on stress, weight loss and probably diabetes. My fbg this am is 98, higher than it *should* be. For potential pregnancy, they want me below 90 in the am. I can achieve that on these dosages of metformin and lantus, IF I get enough sleep and don't eat after 8 pm. Both of those appear to be unreachable goals this last week or two.
Yesterday was telecommute day. I started doing that again on Wednesdays. With a 45 min commute in each direction, it makes a huge difference. Plus with various other time savings, I can sleep in 1:20 longer. Ahhhhh.
My son also sleeps in, since I guess he doesn't hear me moving around. (Da Kane takes him to daycare, so theoretically he is able to sleep in everyday) He slept until 8, about 2 hours longer than normal for a weekday, about normal for Mommy being home. Daycare said he slept about 30 mins longer at naptime too. It's counter-intuitive, but the better rested toddlers are, the more they nap.
This is yet another source of Mommy guilt. 85% of the growth hormone is released during sleep. By contributing to his sleep deprivation, am I keeping him from growing?
Perhaps my biggest worry is that I will fall asleep at the wheel. Out here in the west, we do 80- 85 mph on the Interstate (75 is the official limit). Dozing off at that speed is a death sentence.
I am trying to cut out caffiene after 4 pm, but when I get home at 5 and Da Kane has made a fresh pot, it's hard to resist.
I also need Da Kane to keep the tv sound lower, since he usually stays up until midnight or so and is slightly hard of hearing, at least compared to me. He'll be watching down in the family room, and I can hear the tv - not make out the words, but hear the noise. When I'm having trouble sleeping, the quieter and darker it can be, the better.
I switched to the 7-4 shift last year from 8-5, I knew I was trading an hour of sleep for another hour with my son. A trade well worth it, but when I get on an insomnia binge like this week, it's 2-4 hours lost a night and I can't handle it. I do love the traffic at the earlier hour though, and it does save me some time because of that. Of course, leaving before everyone else in the dept means a lot of days I don't actually leave at 4.
Must go shower and wake up and function and move on out.
P.S. Da Kane is Hawaiian for The Man, and refers to my husband.
P.P.S. Made it into work safely. If it's not too hot today, I will take a nap in my car at lunchtime.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

On Blogging (One)

I have read that I must blog each day to maintain readership. Since I doubt I have any/many readers, that amuses me. However, it is good discipline, and perhaps will help me get some internal benefits from my blogging.
I am really enjoying investigating the blogosphere. Now I know what a meme is. I also found "blog seeds", which I will continue to explore. For today:
25 Things You Never Wanted to Know
1 - Bell Peppers make me belch
2 - Cucumbers make me belch, but pickles don't.
3 - I love both cucumbers and pickles
4 - I bought the biggest cucumber I have ever seen at the farmer's market last week.
5 - My mother taught me that ladies only use black ink
6 - I only use black ink, or colors for special occasions
7 - I hate blue ball point pens
8 - I am 60 lbs or more overweight
9 - I was diagnosed with diabetes 11 months ago
10 - One would think that #9 would cause me to do something about #8, but I just talk and write about it a lot.
11 - I am terrified of getting Lasix eye surgery
12 - I have worn glasses since I was in 6th or 7th grade
13 - I think my 2 yr old son needs glasses
14 - My husband has worn glasses since he was a toddler, I think
15 - I am so un-artistic, I am almost an anti-artist
16 - I admire artists' ability to create beauty
17 - My best work friend's last day was today.
18 - I love to take photographs
19 - I really wear a size 9 shoe, but I don't admit it and continue to say I wear an 8 1/2 like I did before my son was born.
20 - I am an ENFP most days.
21 - I love personality tests.
22 - I didn't start gardening until my late 20's and I love it
23 - I have a hard time sticking to any self-improvement path for long.
24 - I have red hair
25 - I have a LOT of freckles.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Rolled right on off that roll

Hahaha. I did ok over the weekend, but what is it about the weekend that feels like a holiday, like you have to celebrate with food?
And how can I "forget" my nightly shot of Lantus? I even forgot that I forgot until I tested this am and my bg was 106. I know for a lot of diabetics that would be just fine, but I'm supposed to be under 90 for fbg. This is part of the trying to avoid another miscarriage plan. So I took my Lantus at 6 am today, which will mess me up a little all day long.
I made a faux pas at work, dealing with that all day. My best work friend's last day is tomorrow, dealing with that too. Yes, I spent 10 minutes on the floor of the server room crying my eyes out. That leaves me feeling icky. I decided to skip the departmental lunch and that turned into a big deal, it would have been easier just to go.
All in all, not a great day.
Here is a picture of my son and his new Thomas The Tank Engine bed. He loves it. Except when it's actually time to lay down and take a nap or go to sleep. Then it's "No, not that bed!". Oh well, he will adjust.

Funny toddler story - we went to a birthday party of a 2 year old in his daycare. It was basically mayhem - 15 toddlers, 25 or so parents at Gymboree with a slightly overwhelmed teacher. After 2 hours, James came over to me and stuck his hand out and said "keys". "What?" I said. "Keys, PLEASE", he says. "What do you need the keys for?". "GO HOME", said my precious little guy! Yep, he was going to take the car and leave me there and just go home. I think he'd had enough. I was very proud that he did that rather than have a screaming fit meltdown as some of the party-goers were doing.
2 hours and I can hang out with him and get away from this drama and trauma I call a job.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

On a Roll - Day Three

Here I am, early afternoon on my 3rd day back on track and it’s going GREAT!

I am working from home today. Anyway, I used to work from home one day a week, but then it stopped last year due to some personnel turnover and big projects. I asked last week and got the ok, so Wednesdays I get to sleep an extra 90 mins and be home at 4:01! The downside is that I am 10 steps away from the kitchen and there’s no one to judge my snacking.
But I have my tracker book out and I have written down the everything I’ve eaten so far, so I will just stick to doing it! I also don’t have chocolate or bad snacks in the house, except for some animal crackers that I don’t care for anyway, and hubby’s freezer pops which don’t appeal because my sugar shoots straight up from them.
I did 20 mins Yoga Mon and Tues. Mon the dog “helped”, last night DS “helped”. Tonight I’m going to try the stability ball while DS watches Thomas or Zoboomafoo, that might work better. But I will keep trying to squeeze in the 15 min McD’s yoga session before bed, it really does help my stress/insomnia/panic. And it’s so short, it’s easy to fit in. By the time you get out the mat, load the DVD, get through the warnings and ads, it’s more like 25 mins. Just like the 30 min dvd is really like 45. When I went to a gym, a 1 hour work out was almost 3 hours with packing and drive time, so I guess working out at home is an improvement.
I can't help but wonder if yoga won't help me sugar as well? Hard to say with only 2 days especially since I also quit eating after 8 pm. My fasting levels have been awesome.
Has anyone else noticed that injecting into a stretch mark tends to be less painful? I say tends because about 33% of the time I start to inject and OWIE! It hurts. When I use a stretch mark, it's only about 10% of the time I get the owie-factor. I know they indicate a tear in a skin or muscle layer or something like that, wonder if it's ok to use them?
I signed up for Glucerna's 13 week program for diabetics, but let it slide and now I'm 5 weeks into it, but really just starting. I've contacted them to see if they can reset my account and try again. I don't plan on buying a lot of their products, but it looked like a good plan overall.
Lastly, I've been reading lots of blogs about CGM, and it sounds fascinating to me to have a constant input on blood sugars and which way they're going. Since I'm Type 2 and no complications, there's no way I could get one approved. Does anyone know if it's possible to rent one for a few weeks? I bet that's not available yet, but as soon as it is, I want to rent one! Just to get a better understanding of how my body reacts to food and exercise.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

On a Roll! 2 whole days!

It's a miracle - 2 days in a row of eating right, sleeping almost enough and exercising a bit. Sugars are marvelous as a result and I dropped a pound! I see blogger is about to go down for some work, so I'll try to come back later.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Knowledge without action is useless

I don't remember the attribution for my title, I read it over the weekend and it resonated.
I know a zillion tidbits of info on eating well and exercising and controlling my type 2 diabetes, but when I do not put any of that information to work, I have wasted the time spent researching, reading and learning. Thus this is my mantra for the time being, to motivate me to take ACTION.
I made a conscious effort to not snack last night and was rewarded with a fasting bg of 89 today. This week's effort will be focused on not eating at all after 8 pm and not having caffeine after 4 pm. To put all this information into action, I am going to focus on one or two new/changed behaviors a week. This is to make sure I don't get overwhelmed. I can't be the only one who has woken up Monday morning with a "new life" plan of a zillion things to do and totally washed out on it by Tuesday night.
Anyway, this is one small step I can take. Since my evening choices are generally sweets, I will eliminate a couple hundred calories a day with this, as well as dropping some points off the fasting sugars.
My next A1C test is 8/1, so it's probably too late to affect that one.
I believe my thyroid hormone replacement is kicking in, I certainly seem to have more energy. Not doing anything for my appetite, but not sure I'd know, since I mostly do emotional eating and rarely experience true physical hunger. That's on next week's agenda.
The weekend was very tiring. A marital tiff kept me from sleeping Saturday night, I got about 2 hours, which is not enough to keep up with a 2 year old all day. I did get 6 loads of laundry mostly done (1 load left to fold).
My dear boy had a birthday party to attend Saturday and that was fun, though 15 pre-schoolers running around for 2 hours was headache-provoking for not only me, but for my 2 year old as well! It's the first time he has said he wanted medicine that he could tell me a good reason - he rubbed his forehead and said "hurts here". Usually when he says "need medicine" and I ask what for he will respond with "need medicine" and I feel I can safely ignore his request, relegating it to the level of requesting a band-aid (Sesame Street or Backyardigan ONLY) for an injury free area. He knows about medicine from taking Claritin all spring for allergies.
A quick trip to the library and groceries at Sam's and the local store rounded out the rest of the weekend. I have started a price book in hopes of saving some $$, so shopping takes a bit longer than normal. I would expect after 3 or 4 trips, it will go much faster because I will have all our standard purchases listed. I am tired of buying things at Sam's or Costco and later realizing that it was actually much more expensive than a sale or Wally World. This way I will know which is the better deal.
On the gardening front, my tomato plants finally have some baby green fruits on them, more than 2 months after planting. I'm not sure I will ever adjust to trying to garden at 7350 feet elevation in the horrible soil of Colorado.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Bitterness is an awful breakfast

I awoke late again this morning. Checked my email while slugging down my first cup of coffee and I had a birth announcement. It's not pretty, but it made me angry, jealous and a tad upset. That sounds just awful.
The father is the man I dated prior to my husband. Among other problems, he did not want to ever have kids. I wasted a year of fertility on him is how I look at it now.
When I was pregnant the first time in 2002, his new girlfriend got pregnant. I miscarried in Oct '02, they had a baby boy in I think March '03. My son was born in Sept '03. Since then, I have had 3 miscarriages and they have had 3 babies, including twin girls this week.
I hate feeling like this but it's hard to stop it. I intellectually know that if we had had a child together, I wouldn't have had my wonderful son James (though wouldn't his soul have come to me anyway? Depends upon your beliefs I guess). I also know we would have made a poor match long term.
I accept responsibility for frittering away so many of my good fertile years with partying and focusing on my career. All those years of using birth control and trying to avoid pregnancy, I had the belief that as soon as I stopped bc I would turn up pregnant - it doesn't work that way past 35.
But I'm still hurt and angry and touchy this am. It does not help that I started my period today too, so I'm not pregnant again this cycle and I'm PMS'ing. Emotionally, every cycle these days feels like another miscarriage.
I think I'm going to have to accept that dear son will be an only OR cough up the bucks to get to a fertility specialist.
I feel like a good cry, but I have to find someplace private to do so.
Last night was Mommy Movie Night and The Lake House was good although difficult to bend your mind around the time warping. Da Kane has been making lots of cutting remarks about my going, but he will have to accept it, as I have decided I need a few hours for myself a couple times a month. A movie or dinner or even a trip to the library - I deserve it!
I must put all this behind me for the day and get some work done. It's tough.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Where's my Motivation?

Hey YOU! Over there, in the blue shirt! Did you take my motivation? No? Well, have you seen it? Call 911, see if we can put an APB out for it.

Friday, July 07, 2006

SIX MONTHS!

Yes, it is six whole months since I puffed on a cigarette. On one hand, I can hardly believe it's already been 26 weeks, and on the other, it seems like a few years. Isn't that the way of important events? I cannot believe my son is already nearing 3, yet I can barely remember what life was like before he arrived.
It took a couple dozen tries to get here. The record before completely puff-free is 2 months. I made it 3 months twice, but was starting to cheat by that milestone. That's one trick I can share - it's the first puff that gets you, or "I'm a puff away from a pack a day". My quit gadget on Quitnet says I have NOT smoked over 3600 cigs as of today. Honestly, I have NOT smoked just one -- the first one. This is a recovery technique borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, but like so many other AA sayings and techniques, it's applicable to any addiction.
Many time I have just barely made it. Here are some things that helped me.

  • Coming up with my own goal. For me it was 1 week for each year smoked, which will be next week. I convinced myself that when I reached that it would get much easier. I didn't see the great improvement at 30, 60 or 90 days that others did.
  • Not expecting it to get easier after a week or a month or 100 days. Everyone is different, but for me it was a very gradual improvement though nothing has been as bad as hell week.
  • Delay & distract. IE, I will not smoke one right now, but I can if I still want one this badly in an hour or tomorrow I can have it; then get busy with something else.
  • WATER. Ice cold water has magical properties when it comes to cig cravings
  • Sunflower seeds.
  • Fireballs - the hot jawbreakers.
  • Quitnet - incredible amount of online support and quit info.
  • Hubby quitting at the same time. Da Kane has had an easier time than I, it looks like, but never judge another's recovery. All I know for sure is that not having cigs in the house made my quit much easier.
  • A complete list of every single reason I can think of to quit that I reviewed all the time the first couple months.
  • Nicoderm Patch, compliments of the state of Colorado.
  • Nicotine gum, for the really tough spots the first few weeks. I actually like the new mint coated Nicorette.
  • Several supporters at work. Personally, it worked well to tell everyone I was quitting and have them check in with me. Unfortunately, people who have never smoked pretty much think it's all over and done after a month or so.
  • Rewards! I may have spent all the $600 I've saved by not smoking so far, but it was worth it. Particularly the 30 min massages a few times a month.
  • Knowing that it's not over yet and probably never will be. And that's ok today. I smoked for 27 years, maybe after 27 years smokefree I will not have to keep my guard up, until then I must be aware.
  • Anger at Big Tobacco. It really helps to read up on their deceitful and dangerous practices. Once you fully understand that they do not care that they are killing their customers, and would like to addict more teenagesrs to kill them too eventually, you don't want to give them more money.

In other news - I had a run in with a bag of jersey sour cherries (if you don't know what they are, think giant cherry-sized jelly beans) last night that necessitated 5 cc of regular humalog in addition to my lantus. I have not told my endo that I am doing that, I don't know why I am hiding it, it's not even once a week. Not sure what I'm going to go when I run out of humalog. Fasting bg this am was 93, so I guessed right on the dosage. Just another example of how I'm playing fast and loose with the disease. As long as I keep my A1C (avg blood glucose over 2-3 months) down, I feel like I can do whatever I want. I don't think that's necessarily true.
I just don't know where to start to overcome this addictive eating! Argh! But for today, I will just try to keep it mindful and celebrate my success over smoking.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

2nd Monday this week :-(

Yes, I worked Monday-monday (7/3), had a holiday yesterday (Happy b-day USA), and now I'm working Monday-wednesday (7/5). Obviously, I am not working that hard.......
Had a spell after lunch when I felt drunk. Checked my sugar - 107, pretty darned good for 30 mins after lunch. Don't know what it was, but come to think of it, I've felt it a few times this week. Is it the levothyroxine? Who friggin' knows? I am back to the 50 mcg a day dosage, cutting it in half for a couple days really helped with the feeling crazy, emotional, panic attack-prone crud I was going through. If that starts again, I am demanding to see the endo early - hahahahahahaaha. Those of you with a popular specialist know how amusing that statement is. Mine requires 3 office personnel, 4 nurses and a couple Nurse Practioners who are diabetes educators too. That's how popular he is. If 1 doctor and 2 NPs require 6 exam rooms, you know somebody's sitting around waiting. (it's not the doc)
Anyways, pulling the diet back onto the straight and narrow is harder than I even imagined. Gained 10 lbs in 1 month of being a slacker. This am, a co-worker came by and told me he had stocked up on goodies from Costco and to stop by.
I lasted about 45 mins before I was in his office getting dry roasted peanuts and jelly belly jellybeans. Not diet, nor diabetic foods, last I checked. Not a huge amount at least. Certainly not as much as I could have eaten.
How much of the nation's obesity epidemic is directly attributable to Costco, Sam's or other warehouse type stores? They do sell some healthy snacky stuff in individual sized bags but how easy is it to grab another bag when you have 48? Reminds me of the day I bought some choc chip cookie 100-cal packs and ate all 6 packs before bed. (6x100=600 or 37.5% of my daily calories)
But then I had lunch out already scheduled, and went to Applebee's. They actually have a great Weight Watchers based menu, but oh no, I had to order the spinach shrimp salad with hot bacon dressing. I told them to go light on the dressing, but the salad was drenched. At least I left a great deal of the bacon at the bottom of the bowl. And I got my daily supply of popeye green.
However, my sugars have been fine today. This tells me, and correct me if I'm wrong, that my lantus and metformin are geared towards my eating poorly. We'll see how it goes as I improve my diet.
I have so much dieting info floating in my head again that I'm confused. Between South Beach, common sense, carb counting and Diabetic Exchanges, I am lost. I think I will just log in fitday everything I eat for a few days and watch how it goes. ONLY for a few days, otherwise this vague of an approach will get dropped. More planning of foods, less reading of plans. Logging every bite always helps anyway.
Feeling better now, not so drunk and foggy. Walked upstairs and I was puffing a bit at the top. Haven't done that much since I quit smoking 179 days ago. Maybe I am retaining water?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Return Continued

So, when last we met, I was up to why none of these medical issues have struck me as very serious and why that has changed.
I don't guess I really have a point - there has been no "AH HA" moment, no light bulb appearing above my head. I have spent my life waiting for such times, and they never come for me, I am more of a cumulative effect kinda gal.
Monday is 10 years since my Mother died. She started having her serious health issues at about my age - that's a part of it. She never really took care of her diabetes or weight issues. Didn't deal with alcohol until it caused so much pain that a little wine would put her in the hospital. (Pancreatitis).
My Dad and Step-Mom were just in town for 2 weeks. Dad will be 75 in a couple months, and his health is not the best, mostly because he has never addressed his diabetes or other health issues. He's losing vision in his left eye due to diabetic complications. He thinks nothing of waking up with a bg of 200.
Don't misunderstand me, my parents were/are very good people. But I would like to learn from their mistakes.
My mother never did quit smoking til the last trip to the hospital. My Dad quit at 42. I quit at 43, but the past 2-3 years I have spent more time not smoking than smoking, and hopefully that counts for something.
Interesting sidebar here - of my Dad and his wife, all original 4 marriage partners smoked. Dad quit at 42, Step-Mom quit at 40-something. Their spouses did not quit and both died in their early 60's. Does that tell you anything?
Ok, back to the topic at hand, to wit - me.
I have an almost 3-yr old son and I can see the day fast approaching when I cannot keep up with him. I don't want to be a spectator parent - I want to be active. Would losing 60 lbs and controlling my diabetes help? DUH.
I have been here so many times before though. All fired up about changing my eating and exercise behavior, only to see the motivation peter out rather quickly. One think I hope this blog will do is help me keep my motivation and focus going.
I thought blogging at 3fatchicks.com would help, but that turned into more of a forum, chatting and trying to elicit comments more than honest expression of my efforts and mental state.
Such as, why am I craving cigs more today than I have in a few weeks? Those that have gone before me over at quitnet say that anniversaries trigger this kind of thing, and I am only a few days away from 6 months. I can't begin to express how much I HATE craving poison. Which logically should keep me from smoking, but in actuality, it wears me down if I am not ever vigilant. I have not had a single puff since early 1/7/06, but I have blown a couple dozen prior quits because I let the desire and cravings wear me down. If da kane - my hubby, had not quit with me this time, I doubt I would have made it this long.
A big reason I am dwelling on the health issues is that I just feel like crap. I'm tired, I can't get a lot of normal chores done, I don't feel well.
Honestly, another reason is that I have to have some personal project to focus on. I will read, research, create a zillion charts and plans for a "while", then it all starts to peter out. I hate this about myself. I can be so diligent about work, or being a friend, daughter, mother - but not taking care of myself.
Is this low self-esteem? Or is that just an excuse I have trotted out regularly for 20 years?

Friday, June 30, 2006

Return of the Disappearing Blogger

Like 60% of the US population, I started a blog in 2004 and never returned to it! Amazingly enough, blogspot did not delete it!
I began reading some blogs re: diabetes and was inspired to come back here and start a new blog, but I didn't have to.
Here I am.
Not much has changed since Dec '04. Still working at to be nameless huge multi-national, still living on our 7 acres outside of the Springs. Still overweight, though 20 lbs lighter. Still mother to one incredible, wonderful, precious little boy.
The biggest change has been the diabetes diagnosis, but that was a while ago ( 8/5/05). I was pregnant at the time, and my prenatal HbA1c came back at 6.0. "Normal" is 4.0 - 6.0 but doc said that it was Type 2. I lost that baby at 7 weeks and the A1c didn't come down much.
Another pregnancy in February (lost at 8 weeks) of this year appears to have triggered an autoimmune attack on my thyroid (purely conjecture on my part, docs have neither confirmed nor denied the link yet). At any rate my thyroid function is dropping like a rock.
Even starting the synthetic thyroid 2 weeks ago didn't shake me awake regarding my medical status, but it seemed to start the process.