On Pins and Needles

Alas, I have been blog-reading rather than blog-writing yet again.
There are so many talented women writing compelling blogs out there. Blogs on weight loss, on baby loss (miscarriage) and on diabetes. I start reading and if it's one I like, I go to the archives and can get lost.
Work has also picked up a bit this week. It's welcome. Another person is leaving our small, and getting smaller staff. It's difficult around here some days.
I am on day 36 of my cycle now. My cycles have always run 28-30 days, with the oddball 33 every few years. I bought a 2-pack of home pregnancy tests and both were negative.
They were the Wally World Equate brand and I noticed they have gone DOWN in price (5 pregnancies in 4 years and you notice the price). Once they were both negative, I looked more carefully at the box and they are now made in China, rather than Michigan or Canada. Hmmmmm.
I'm having a couple symptoms, but not my usual ones.
I call my beloved ob/gyn nurse. She is the greatest and has been there for me many times. It was her avoidance of eye contact at the amnio test almost 4 years ago that told me that the first baby was gone.
She says a blood test is the only way to know for sure, but the thyroid meds may have affected my cycle. I started on thyroid meds about 9 weeks ago. Shouldn't they have affected the last cycle instead? Not necessarily.
I went in and had my blood drawn this morning. My favorite phelbotomist was there and thrilled I was having a Quant HcG drawn. She has probably drawn a dozen of them on me. So I ended up telling her the story. She said I popped into her head a month or so ago at home and she hoped I would get preggers soon. My son asked last weekend where his brother was - very odd question, even from an almost-3 year old.
I have taken those 2 strange comments as a sign from the gods, heavens, whatever, that I am indeed pregnant again.
Only half, or even a quarter, of me believes this.
The other half thinks I will never have another baby. That makes me sad.
To be on the safe side, I am keeping my sugars in tight control and limiting my coffee to one cup a day.
Then I read about a 10 week old baby boy murdered by abuse and found to have several broken bones in various stages of healing and I get ANGRY. That poor precious child. How could those monsters have a baby and I can't? And why is adoption so expensive and so difficult? And I rage against it all for a few minutes.
Then tears............
then resignation................
maybe, someday............... acceptance.