Friday, November 23, 2007
My new blogging gig has outed me, so my semi-anonymous soap box here is not even partially anon anymore. This leaves me wondering what I can say here without offending anyone, or sharing more than I'd like, or using up good diabetes blog fodder I could use at dLife.
I do intend to work my way back here. Things are heating up with the holidays of course, but Maile is almost 5 months and we're getting into a routine with her, so life approaches a semblance of normalcy.
Belated Happy Thanksgiving to the 2 people who are still checking in on me! I will try to get to the meme this weekend!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
(Funny, now that pacifiers are back "in" and proven to reduce SIDS risk, etc - Maile loves them. Kimo never much cared for them, which was good back in the day 4 years ago when pacifiers would ruin their teeth for life, etc, etc.)
Deep breath. No, I wasn't working terribly hard today, but I was still "on". I have been "on" since 6 am.
Yesterday and today I have been eating like the old me. Not good. I have lost almost 40 pounds since Maile's birthday. I don't want to put it back on. It's a stress thing, I'm sure.
I really need to take a few minutes several times a day to deep breath and feel joy and gratitude for this infant and my wonderful 3 year old and my crazy, busy life. Get centered again.
That's the project this week. For right now, I have 15 minutes to spend in mindless games before sleep, and I'm going to do so. Peace; out.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
We are all well. I am dropping weight quickly, nursing sure helps with that. Maile is gaining almost as fast as I am losing - well maybe more like 8/1 - I lose 8 and she gains 1!
I just started work up again yesterday, so we're all trying to adjust to the new routines. I will be working from home a lot the next month, so we're not totally on our new, 2-child routines yet. Da Kane is having some difficulty adjusting to having me home so much - he works from home already.
Kimo LOVES LOVES LOVES his baby sister. It is quite sweet and a relief. We've seen a little regression and acting out, but really very little. It's hard to believe he will be 4 in about 6 weeks.
I had a birthday this week - talk about hard to believe! Those birthdays ending in 0's or 5's are so much harder for some reason. This was a half-decade one - I'll let you guess the first digit.
Maile's most unforgettable trait right now - she eats her fill and pulls off with this milky half-smile, eyelids 90% closed, eyes rolling back in her head. It's most amazing and I hope to figure out how to film it without exposing myself too much!
Monday, June 25, 2007
I talked the ansthesiaologist out of the big shot of opiates after delivery, so I have all my memories intact this time. It's still pretty vague as far as the hour or so after the surgery.
Maile had a fair amount of hair which is a reddish-brown and nice big yummy cheeks. She went from 50th percentile in weight at 7 months to 75th percentile at birth. I suspect my blood sugars are to blame; but she's healthy and so am I so I guess we survived the sorbet and candy bars.
I happily packed away my insulin syringes. I've actually run low a couple days since and I think it's probably breastfeeding along with not being as diligent about my meals as I could/should be. All in good time.
I've lost 19 lbs in the week since she was born. Although it's not "real" weight loss, it does the heart good to see those numbers dropping rapidly.
Maile closes one eye and curls her lip sometimes and we just wait for her to say "ARGHHH", so I have been calling her my Pirate Princess. Kimo is doing well with the transition so far.
Monday, June 11, 2007
- I went out on medical leave 6/1.
- This is good, because as of today, I am finally starting to feel a little better as far as the sinus/cold/respiratory infection goes. Remember these started in early APRIL.
- This is bad, because it cuts into my yearly FMLA and I feel guilty.
- Maile is just fine. After all my endless debating about a VBAC, I am scheduling a c-section for next week. I seriously doubt she will spontaneously appear before then. I just want to have a baby, meet her and get on with respiratory recovery!
- Maile will be "substantially larger" than Kimo was. Kimo was only 5 lbs, 3 oz. I smoked with Kimo (no flaming please, at least I finally quit Jan 2006), so this is no surprise to me. My ob/gyn says he doesn't believe smoking was why Kimo was so small -- my ob/gyn smokes. Do you see a "Da Nile" connection there? I sure do.
- I am massively uncomfortable. When I arise from sitting or lying down, I walk like John Wayne for at least a few steps while Maile figures out she can't break out with my cervix shut like this.
- My chest gets tight like my old anxiety attacks almost daily. Fun Fun.
- I am still 0 cm dilated, but 60% effaced and my cervix is "soft". These are no indication of when labor might start.
- The guest room still isn't finished. The laundry and assorted other tasks are still behind. I don't care one minute, then feel horribly guilty the next.
- My sugars are all over the place. I'm trying to stay on top of it, but it is so hard for me to maintain any kind of "diet" when I am home with basically no schedule.
- Haagen-Daz Raspberry Sorbet is TO.DIE.FOR. If I ever entertained, it would be so good with some fresh raspberries with it. It is hell on blood sugar - 26 grams sugar per 1/4 cup, but what a taste treat!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I am concerned that some of this is prepartum depression. I have a long history of mild depression. I can feel it, but have been off my anti-depressants this whole pregnancy. When I had Kimo they were deemed pretty safe, so I was on them about 1/2 the time. This time around they have some mildly disturbing studies, so I haven't taken them at all.
My reading tells me that prepartum depression increases the risk of postpartum depression, so this is something I will bring up at my appointment Friday.
I am very irritable and on-edge. My husband is getting the brunt of it, but even working from home, I am taking a lot out on my co-workers and boss. I can hardly stand myself.
I vacillate about 10 times a day about taking short term disability. This indecisiveness is making me batty too! I also can't decide what to do with the early c-section suggestion.
I have absolutely no energy for housework or baby prep. I really must get going on washing baby clothes and fixing window treatments in the kids' room and keeping the mess to a minimum. Much less several other projects I would like to do.
Sorry for another incoherent, non-cohesive ramble. Someday I will write a real blog post with a theme, and intro, and a conclusion!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
- Still out on sick/vacation leave. I don't seem to be getting any better.
- Da Kane means "the man" in Hawaiian. Kimo and Maile are common Hawaiian names - so all my pseudonyms are HI in origin.
- I lived in HI for 5 years in the '90s and da Kane and I got married there. My favorite place in the world is the Big Island of Hawaii. Perhaps some day I will live there again.
- Ob/Gyn appt tomorrow. We will do an NST on Maile and discuss what the heck to do about my cold/congestion/strep - whatever the heck it is.
- Maile seems as active as ever. She just likes kicking my butt I guess.
- Da Kane and Kimo seem to be recovering from their Strep bouts just fine. Lucky guys.
- I got a new rocker/glider/recliner for mother's day for the kids' room. I'm SO EXCITED! The first year of Kimo's life I walked around with a sore neck most days from dozing off with him in the middle of the night. Now I won't have that particular problem!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Kimo's last cold was 3-4 weeks ago. Talking to his daycare today, one of his little friends (L) was diagnosed with strep 5 or 6 weeks ago after his brother came down with it. L never had a symptom. Daycare says they put a sign up. Well, they put a sign on the front door - "we have one confirmed case of strep". Of course, I took note of it, but come on - how about telling me that a child he spends 11 hours a day with has strep and no symptoms - that would have made more of an impression.
Anyway, all 3 of us are on antibiotics. I suspect I have just kept getting re-infected this past 6 weeks. Maybe there's hope yet that I will improve. But if Kimo goes back to school Monday and just gets re-infected because another kid in his class has symptom-less strep, I am going to be ANGRY. Untreated strep can cause rheumatic fever/scarlet fever, problems with the feteus I'm carrying.
Da Kane is in Las Vegas. I am single-momming it for the mother's day weekend, with both of us not feeling well. I went ahead and took a week off to try and get better. I'm sick of taking 2-3 days off each week and still not improving. My doc is willing to put me on disability, but I really hope that's not necessary.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Come to think of it, Kimo has been whinier and clingier than usual and has started having "accidents" much more frequently.
I have a call into his ped's office and I go back to my ob/gyn this afternoon. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of this and none of us will have lasting effects. Da Kane is still flying out tonight - boy bet that hurts with the fluid build up behind his ear drums.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I've done 2 rounds of antibiotics this month, so I think my immune system has been shot to hell. I started a pro-biotic today to try and bring things back into alignment. I also got some echinacea for my immunity. For the first time ever, my favorite health food store would not make any recommendations. They don't deal with too many women who are 8 months pregnant. I am too sick and tired to do all the research, so I'll stick with the probiotic and the echinacea for now.
Trying to remember what else to do to bolster immunity and it's pretty funny. Eat right (I have little or no appetite), sleep plenty (sure, like that's going to happen), exercise moderately (sure, like that's going to happen). Keep my sugars in control (yeah, right while drinking juice and eating cough drops and syrups).
I have started this superstitious thinking that this tough 3rd trimester does not bode well for the baby. The pregnancy with Kimo was so easy, and he was such an easy baby. This pregnancy has been so tough, I really hope Maile is not a cranky, colic-y baby.
I took another day off today to try and rest. I am burning through my sick leave like crazy. My desk is not unpacked at the new place. My attitude the few hours I was there yesterday wasn't good. I hope that my co-workers can understand that it's the pregnancy and the constant illness and not that my attitude just sucks. I'm not real thrilled about the new building, but so what, at least we're all in one building now and the digs are newer. I am going on maternity and then my job probably only lasts another 6 months after that, so I should just turn my attitude around.
Tonight is childbirth class. I might go alone. Da Kane is really sick (man-cold) so I don't think he should go spread his germs.
The house is pretty wrecked, which is a little embarassing with the babysitter. I am going to go take a hot shower and try to clean the kitchen at least.
Pray, chant, or send white light (or however you send good thoughts) for me. I honestly don't think I can stand another 6 weeks of this.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I am about 92% recovered from the cold/cough from hell. I still have a pulled muscle in my left side from coughing so hard and so uncontrollably. I lost a tremendous amount of sleep and actually took 3 days of sick leave last week. I cannot tell you the last time I took 3 days off in one week for my own illness. My immune system is just shot. I am taking precautions to try and not catch too much else from Kimo and the germ factory (daycare) over the next 7 or 8 weeks.
Da Kane and I attended our first Lamaze class this week. Which means Kimo had a babysitter - his first in over a year. He did great, we did great, but the sitter had trouble finding us so we were about 15 minutes late. I'm sure I am the oldest Mom in the class, but I don't think it was immediately apparent to everyone. The biggest divide was already having a child, while the rest of the class were first-timers. I didn't get an immediate warm fuzzy about the instructor, but she's ok. Only 3 more classes.
I swing like a metronome on triple-time from being sure I can do a natural/vaginal childbirth (with drugs) to wanting to sign up for another c-section. I know it's just plain old fear. I am almost dizzy from it. This is one reason a doula may be helpful in my situation. I know that this is my last chance to experience birth, and I know in my heart that if billions of women have done this for thousands of years, that I can too, but I'm afraid given the smallest obstacle, I will cave quickly and neither da Kane nor da Doctor will help me remember my goal.
Having Maile home safe and sound is the main objective, but I want to give birth to her, not have her extracted from me surgically. I want her to decide when she is ready to be born - not my doctor's son's soccer league.
It is amazing to me that we (humans) still do not know what starts labor exactly. Perhaps some of my medical blog buddies can correct that, but that's what the lamaze instructor said and my doctor seconded. We know it's probably the hormone oxytocin (not oxycontin, the rush's drug of choice), but we don't know why those levels suddenly surge.
My diet has not improved much, except for not having an appetite for a week. I lost 3 lbs. I am very glad I asked for the Humulin pen, that way I can respond to the handful of swedish fish or the pizza lunch rapidly.
The big work move is this weekend and I will be very glad to have that behind us. Then the following weekend da Kane has to go on business for 4 full days, leaving me single-parenting. After that I should be able to spend the last month nesting.
I also have several projects to get done on the kids room, so we can move Kimo in there at least a month before Maile comes home. I think that is best, even though she'll be in our room for 2-3 months, it would be good to get him settled for a while before we uproot his life.
Kimo is very cute talking about "my baby" in his belly. No matter how often his father and I tell him that only ladies can have babies, he is insistent. This weekend he said that he has TWO babies in his belly, so we will have 3 at home this summer. He also asked me to put my hand on his tummy and announced "did you feel my baby kick?". It is beyond adorable.
As with most mothers the 2nd time around (or so I have read), I have moments of worry that I will not be able to love Maile as much as I do Kimo. I try to trust that the more love you feel, experience, express then the more that is available to you.
OB/GYN UPDATE - I had my weekly NST today and baby was doing great. The 8 month growth check ultrasound is Monday. We are taking Kimo, which should be interesting!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I finally got the lab bill for the amnio in January and out of curiosity, I looked up the ICD-9 codes. Those are the International Classification of Diseases, commonly used by insurance companies. Mine were:
- Elderly multigravida (woman pregnant for at least the third time)
- Habitual aborter
- Antepartum Diabetes mellitus
Boy, that brings to mind an ugly visual, doesn't it? Like a decrepit old woman huddled in a dark, dirty back alley somewhere.
I am sure I will get flamed by lazy googler's - Habitual aborter is "a rather insensitive term for a woman who has repeated miscarriages."
In that line-up - Diabetes is my FAVORITE diagnosis!
In other news:
My persistent non-productive cough has morphed into a painfully major sore throat. On Friday I was negative for strep, but today it is so much worse, I may get re-tested, just because strep can be so dangerous for baby. I got some
I am up at 3:00 am due to this condition. Apparently swallowing becomes so painful as the meds wear off, that it wakes me up.
My sugars are fluctuating wildly - not only due to the illness and meds, I suspect, but because the only appealing foods are carbs - of course. I am so thankful I got the humalog pen last endo visit, at least I can bring them back into line quickly.
My HbA1C came back at 5.6 - a slight increase from my 5.5 the last couple of months.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Today is the tour of the birth center, then next week childbirth classes begin. I suppose I'd better get the kids' room finished off so that Kimo can move in and be settled before we uproot his life.
Darned cold still hanging on with this very annoying cough. Oh Well.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
For example, I decided with an 87 and no metformin in me, I could do the met and skip the insulin. We will see how that plays out. I managed to get some sprouted wheat toast in me and a banana, but I'm way short on protein. The kitchen is a disaster, so eggs are unlikely and the thought of peanut butter on my toast made me want to hurl. The protein from a diabetes perspective is to slow down the carbs, but my sprouted wheat bread already has 5 grams of protein and 2 grams of fiber for it's measly 15 grams of carbs per slice. The protein is also important for the baby, but nobody gives you numbers on that. This is just really boring rambling.
I admit to be surprised that there wasn't even a single comment on my last post. Here I am baring my soul about fertility and nobody's reading me anyway! Good pinprick to the ego.
I talked to the Lactation consultant and the Thomas W Hale book, Medications and Mothers' Milk - generally the bible for meds and breastfeeding - gives metformin an L1 ranking. Meaning it's about as safe as tylenol! Too bad the PA didn't just tell me that. Funny, it's a $30 book, but neither my ob/gyn, perinatologist nor endocrinologist have a copy for reference. No wonder the US breast-feeding rate is so low.
I don't want to go off on a rant on that topic! I certainly support a mother's choice to feed her baby however she decides, but c'mon - we have these appendages on our chests for a reason - and that reason is not to inflate them to a Double-E cup for the amusement of males of the species.
Back to bed for me, with lots of fluids and maybe a sudafed to see if I can lose awareness of my sinus cavities!
Friday, April 13, 2007
I will be 62 when this baby graduates from high school. My Mother died at 62. She died of lung cancer after 40+ years of smoking. I quit after 27 years - was it soon enough?
How can I continue my slapdash approach to my health (mainly weight and exercise)? Am I crazy or just selfish?
Who came up with such a derogatory sounding diagnosis? And why would it start at 35? Most women can conceive well past their 40th birthday and the risks increase at the same gradual pace from age 25 onward.
I saw my OB yesterday and told him I definitely want the tubal ligation while in the hospital for this baby's birth. I think that's what triggered this introspection. It is hard to make that decision to end your fertility, but it makes so much sense for me. As much as I would have theoretically liked a 3rd biologic child, the reality is that I will be 45 in August. I am most likely capable of having one more - but at what cost? I had 3 miscarriages before this pregnancy and 1 before Kimo. Would that mean 9 more miscarriages to have another child? My psyche cannot comprehend that much pain. They (my medical team) have me running between Perinatologist, Ob/Gyn and Endocrinologist NOW - I can't imagine keeping that up for another 3 years either. Hell, if it took 3 years again to conceive a viable pregnancy - I would be 48 at delivery! HELL NO, I won't go!
However, it is still a very final decision. Fertility has been part of me for some 30 years now. Most of that time it was an inconvenience and something to outwit, not celebrate. But it was an integral part of my womanhood. I distinctly remember being told the (only) benefit of menstruation was that I was capable of having babies.
Trying to turn that around in my head, I can see a certain freedom in no longer having to consider pregnancy. No diaphragms, no fertility charts, no trying to weigh the pros/cons of the pill, no buying pregnancy tests at 6 am on the way to work and no more dashed hopes by the negative results. No more dashed hopes by miscarriages. No more excruciatingly painful 1st trimesters (aka weeks) while I wait with breath held to see if I will miscarry or not.
In other news -
I return to my ob in 2 weeks for my first NST (Non Stress Test) - this is a fetal monitor they hook up to watch heartbeat, movement, etc for 10-20 minutes, or even longer depending on what baby is or is not doing. I will then have an NST every week until delivery. I must be getting closer.
Endocrinologist on Monday - I just HATE that I won't have results from the bloodwork until Friday. I really must ask why they are still in the dark ages and sending me info via snail mail. They have the results late Monday, mail out a form letter to me when they get around to it - Tuesday most likely and apparently the only outgoing mail is in the am - so it's not in the mail til Wed. My home is 60 miles away, so at least 2 days for delivery - voila! Friday. I don't get the mail until I get home from work, so god forbid if I have a question, it must wait until Monday when I can catch their office open. They only answer the phone from 8:30 - 11:30 and 1:30 -4:00 Mon- Thurs and only half a day on Friday. I would freak if I was expected to accept this type of service from Amazon.com or just about anyone but a medical professional!
Day Off today - I took a vacation day today. Full weeks are exhausting and I have some time saved up. I've actually been taking a day every other week now - if you count Good Friday, or the politically correct version - Spring Break day. We are having a bad snow storm - almost a blizzard according the news. A blizzard in mid-April. This and the piss-poor soil here are the 2 things that may drive me from Colorado. I really must get started on my to-do list!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Amazing, isn't it? I am stunned by how much Maile resembles Kimo. Head shape, face shape, nose and chin. I have a pic of Kimo at about 1 hour old and it's really uncanny. I realize they are full siblings, but still!
Maile weighs about 3 lbs now, and measures right on for my dates. Everything looks good except perhaps a little excess amniotic fluid. This is a common occurance for diabetics who's sugar is uncontrolled, which really isnt me. My next A1C is Monday and I expect it to remain within a point or two of 5.5, where it's been since conception. The doc didn't ask me to come back early, so I know it's not anything to fret about. Of course I came home and looked it up all over the internet and scared myself ~ but then realized he did say I didn't actually have the diagnosis.
I am mightily uncomfortable. I hate to complain because I am so grateful to be pregnant and this far along.
We are doing childbirth classes the month of May, 4 weeknights, I have arranged childcare and all. We tour the birth center later this month. We have decided against a doula for the time being, subject to reconsideration after lamaze class when we know better what we're facing.
I am excited this is all moving along, but also overwhelmed by the stuff left to do. Homelife is not the greatest. Worklife is not the greatest. I wish the person I was training to fill in for me would bother to take notes or act the least bit interested. Said person has absolutely no background in my job, and seems to think he can just call me every day. We are moving to a new building May 5th, and that is quite a project also.
The more blogs I read, the more I dislike my own, but perhaps after birth I will decide to get serious or give it up or turn it into Maile's development diary. We shall see.
My sugars have been "ok". I had a bowl of cocoa puffs at 2 am this morning and that was a HUGE mistake. I not only had heartburn for an hour and couldn't get back to sleep; my fasting sugar was 96. Now I don't want to send my sugars in because they will want me to up my dinnertime NPH dose again and that's not really the issue!
OB/Gyn appt tomorrow, Endo appt on Monday, then a break for a couple weeks again. I'm on every 2 weeks for OB, every 4 weeks for perinatologist and ultrasounds, every 6 weeks for endo. Since I only have about 10 weeks left, that's not so bad!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
This is awful because I *should* be oh-so-motivated because of the baby. That's why it's taken me 2 weeks just to own up to it enough to write this post.
I'm up to 18 U NPH at dinner and 10 U at breakfast to try and stay in range. My A1C is going to blow this month, I'm sure of it.
I guess the way to get back on board is to start journalling my food and meal/snack planning every day in advance. *sigh*
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Yesterday, I picked him up from daycare/preschool/whathaveyou - we call it "school". He put his jacket on and a little girl came over and said "Bye Bye Kimo" and held her arms out for a hug. He hugged her back gently and I would have given $1000 to have my camera on me at that moment. We turned to leave and another little girl came running over for a full-body hug and sloppy cheek kiss. It wasn't as cute, it was too obviously inspired by jealousy, but it was cute nonetheless. He is a little ladies' man. When he was a baby, I noticed that he responded more to women than men, and the trend continues.
My favorite lately is the way he will laugh with me, then get serious and say "Mommy, you are my best buddy".
And you are mine, too, Kimo.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
First Kimo started with the cold symptoms on Thursday, then da Kane on Friday, now me today. Great, another weekend with a houseful of sickies. Da Kane has a MAN-COLD, of course, so he is oh-so-much sicker than anybody else. :-)
Sugars have been going up again. Currently on 18 U of NPH at dinner, and 8 U at breakfast, along with the 2000 mg of Metformin daily. This is normal and good, I keep telling myself - it means the placenta is doing a good job. 28 weeks is when they generally test for gestational diabetes because the insulin resistance produced by the placenta is reaching it's peak.
Need to talk to a couple more doulas and then decide. Da Kane wants to talk to my final choice, but I do think we will be having a labor doula.
Having issues with palpitations, blood pressure and rapid weight gain this week, but ob/gyn assures me it's not toxemia. BP at wal-mart yesterday was 110/65 - much more normal for me. Dropped 2 lbs this morning, so the gain must have been a lot of water.
Hey, it's snowing outside! Gotta love Colorado!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Da Kane is out at the store with Kimo! I.AM.ALONE.IN.MY.HOME.
WOW. It's even been 90 minutes. This is sooooo coooooool. I think it should be mandatory that I get several of these evenings a month!
I must run go do stuff without a 3 year old's help! And blast my music! Yippee!
PS. Current physical conditions I would complain about if I weren't so grateful to be 6 months pregnant:
- Enough gas to light up Denver daily
- Constipation that colace cannot touch
- Heartburn that worsens every day and laughs at extra strength tums, gaviscon and/or milk/bananas/etc.
- Heartburn that becomes little mini throw-ups in my mouth in the middle of the night and wake me up most alarmingly
- Newest of the bunch - pounding and palpitating heart. BP was 130/84 and doc wasn't worried - I rarely go over 110/68, so this was shocking to me
- Moods that cause me to lie awake for 45 mins before tromping downstairs to attack my innocent husband over the most minor of infractions.
Friday, March 16, 2007
99 days til my due date! We're in the double digits!
For some reason this pic didn't scan as good as it looks IRL (In Real Life), but you can definitely see little Maile, her hands in front of her face, and a foot there too!
All is relatively well. Interviewed a Doula yesterday and I think I really would like one, just need to convince Da Kane of the reasons for the cost and perhaps talk to a couple more.
In a typical low self-esteem reaction; the Doula recommended that I definitely talk to a couple more before making my decision and I decided that meant she didn't like me and didn't really want to work with me but didn't want to turn down the $ and say no. ARGHHH. I hate the way my mind leaps to negative conclusions as a first impulse!
The dictionary defines Doula as "a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, and emotional support to a mother before, during, and just after childbirth". Since I have no family left that I would want to labor with me, or who are even close enough to consider it; and because I want to avoid another c-section, I think this would be a good thing for me. Da Kane will be there for me, for sure, but I don't think many man are as good at emotional support as women. Then my frugal side kicks in and says it would be a waste of money, and it ain't cheap.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Interesting that in this day and age of identity theft, my social security number is on every single one of the u/s prints.
Blood sugars have been fine, but diet is a bit off. I succumbed to the St Patrick's Day marketing and got a big box of Lucky Charms - they're Magically Delicious - don't cha know! Definitely not on the diabetes diet, or the pregnancy diet, but oh so yummy. I don't think I've had any in 2 or 3 years. What's truly amazing is that they don't do a number on my sugar levels any more than Cheerios or Oatmeal. Strange.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
But I doubt and dread and worry a lot too. This morning my fasting level was 76! My target is <90 and usually is 85ish. My first thought was that the placenta and it's insulin resistant hormones were crapping out and thus my 16U of NPH last night went much further than I thought. Upon further reflection, I was VERY active yesterday compared to normal and I ate a light dinner, didn't snack after dinner and it was 2 hours later than I normally get up.
Of course, if the placenta should start crapping out at this point, it would be pretty harsh for little Maile.
If I go more than 2 hours without feeling baby movements, I go off on a similar catastrophic thinking thread. Same thing with every oddball ache and pain, of which there are many.
I'm also feeling very unhappy with myself as a person of late. I procrastinate way, way, way too much. I have it elevated to an artform of sorts, an unattractive, smelly artform.
I am also lazy, slothful and full of more than my share of gluttony.
I am feeling very "less than" at work, which causes me to want to point the finger at everyone else, another very unattractive trait.
I took a holiday Friday just to try and get caught up with laundry and housework, so of course, I end up doing less than usual today, so I will be no further ahead than normal.
I have to work tomorrow, something I have been putting off for nearly 6 months, and I am resentful of it. I am REALLY resentful of the comments coming from the paid support people who bring up the length of time this issue has been sitting out there. A) the systems are still functioning just fine and B) WE pay YOUR company thousands of dollars a month, do you really need to get snide with the client?
I stopped by the wine store and got some red Zinfandel, my doc has ok'd a glass now and again, so I am having one tonight. Unfortunately, I once had a good red Zin that I enjoyed, so I keep chasing that dream, but this one is much too dry for my tastes. I should have just gotten a blush, I suspect this will end up being an eleven dollar glass of wine cause I won't keep the rest of the bottle for another time.
And WHAT is UP with the plastic corks? Why can't they make one that will go back into the bottle?
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I have started a 2nd shot of NPH in the morning to keep down my pre-dinner levels. Now that the Girl Scout Thin Mints are gone, maybe my next A1C will be lower. I'd love to see a 5.2. I return to the endo office in 6 more weeks. He said they wanted to see me every 4 weeks, but the PA said 6-8 weeks would be fine as long as I send in my sugars. I have heard from other patients here that they never see the doctor, but this is the first time in the 18 months I've been seeing him that I *haven't* seen him. We'll see how it goes. The PA had a baby 4 months ago, so we at least relate on that level.
My thyroid (TSH) came down a bit to 2.298. Seems to be a bit of controversy, my ob/gyn would like it close to 1.0, the endo said under 2 would be good, but the PA I saw this time said 2.298 is fine for pregnancy. I do find it interesting that I have all these hairs growing in at the hairline (and I assume all over my head). I'm not sure if they are due to pregnancy hormones or treating the thyroid. Perhaps in a year I will hear the hairdresser say once again "Wow, your hair is so thick, there's just so much of it". But I doubt it, since you usually lose a lot of hair 2-3 months post-partum.
I have been confronted with my "excuse calendar". First it's "Well, it's the holidays", then it's "Well, it's Valentine's Day", then it's "Well, you can only get Thin Mints this time of year". (leaving out cupcakes for my brothers in NM birthdays and Mardi Gras) Next of course is Easter. Where does it end? With me, of course. I have to remember I'm having a little girl and I DO NOT want to teach her my current/past relationship with food!
I feel very positive about the changes I have made in my health-life since Kimo was born. 14 months off cigarettes as of today. My diet is much better, with not-so-seldom binges here and there. Overall though, I'm probably eating 4x more veggies than I was. I probably haven't had 24 cocktails total in 3 years.
I am almost done with the 2nd trimester. I kind of dread what the next few months may bring. I LOVED being pregnant with Kimo, but this time, although I enjoy feeling movement, I am so much more uncomfortable at only 24 weeks. It is all worth it, I know that!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I think I was saying that the blues give me writer's block. Yes, I seem to have some prenatal depression stirring. I can feel it, almost physically. Kinda blah, my first take on everything is negative and obsessive, as opposed to my old positive and obsessive but fighting it. I don't want to get up in the morning or from my occasional weekend nap. I REALLY don't want to go to work and let every little thing there drive me batsh!t.
With Kimo I took Zoloft the 2nd half of the pregnancy because this happened. It was all fine then, my ob/gyn had even given it to his wife during gestation. Now of course, they have come out with a study that it's bad for the baby, particularly in the 3rd trimester. I start the 3rd tri in about 3 weeks. So, I'm left debating my options. Lemon Balm has been suggested. Exercise has helped in the past, which is the ultimate catch-22 - the only relief for not wanting to get out of bed is getting out of bed earlier.
I am feeling the baby move regularly now. She sleeps for long stretches sometimes during the day, which always freaks me out, so I am keeping the rented doppler for now. Funny, she gave me a good, solid kick while I wrote that. I hearby dub her "Maile" in keeping with the Hawaiian theme of my pseudonyms. I love the feeling of a baby moving inside me, it is so bizarre, yet sweet and your own little secret. Until we get to this point of course:
I catch myself thinking the worst still, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to trust that Maile will be here in June.
I had my yearly review at work yesterday - no bad news, no good. It's very hard to adjust to thinking of another 18 months there when I thought we were down to 10 months to go. I have known I was headed for a lay-off in this position since 2003, this is getting harder and harder. They have gotten rid of about 100 out of 225 associates at our location in the past year - it is demoralizing.
I am not planning menus on the weekend like I was for a while. This makes it extremely hard to eat according to plan and keep my sugars in range. I woke up hungry at 2 am last night and tested at 84, so I had a cup of warm milk thinking the dinnertime NPH would still be kicking in, I woke up at 6:30 at 90.
CRIPES, I just realized I did not take my 4u of NPH this morning that I just started yesterday. Telecommute day is hell on my medications and schedule. Then again, I am working in my robe at 11:20 am, so it DEFINITELY ROCKS for most of life.
I am just rambling now. I will close and look for a better afternoon. Maybe a shower, toothbrushing and clothes would improve my outlook.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Specialist (perinatologist) thinks there's no reason I can't try for a VBAC. HOWEVER, he does not like to see Type 2 diabetics go past 1 week before their due date. That's when I had the c-sec with Kimo, so I wonder what the chances are that I will go into labor before then. My mother was premature once and late twice with her pregnancies.
Doc was pleased with my A1C of 5.5%. He explained that high sugar levels cause the placenta to age more quickly, so that gave me another reason to stay on top of sugar levels.
I have a ZILLION reasons to keep my sugar levels low and exercise and eat right and that never seems to be enough for me. I wonder when I will find the magic answer.
I wanted a moment of clarity about quitting smoking for 5 years and when I was finally successful (13 months so far) there was no magic answer, no epiphany, no burning bush, I just did what I had to do to not put a cig in my mouth each day until it started getting easier.
Does this mean I should just journal every bite I eat and exercise for 20 mins a day no matter what until it starts getting easier? I think it does, but how do I start?
I need a cute blog name for my son - any ideas?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
I started a post with my letter to my pancreas, which is a topic making the rounds of the D-OC these days. It was boring. (My post, not the others I have read).
So here I am, just wanting to post something this week, but really no subjects I feel inspired to type on about.
I am tired, bored with work, constantly dealing with heartburn. Sick of the gerbil wheel I run from Monday through Sunday.
Took my little guy to the doc last night for the endless cold that will not leave and now includes a croupy sounding cough. His lungs were clear, no fever, no ear infection, no nothing but gobs of thick green snot. The PA thinks maybe a sinus infection and gave us a round of amoxicclyn (spelled wrong, I know, too lazy to look it up) and some codeine cough syrup (that actually works!). Normally, I wouldn't really want him on an antibiotic for such a vague diagnosis, but he's been sick (with one cold after another) since mid-December and he hasn't had an antibiotic in over a year, so I think it's safe to try.
Monday is our 5 year anniversary. I still say the mortgage signing was scarier. We had a beautiful wedding in Hawaii, but the mortgage signing the next year made the "til death do us part" all so much more real.
Next Wednesday is my level 2 ultrasound as well as Valentine's day and a V-day party at the little guy's daycare. They posted a letter asking that we bring in vegetables that start with a "V". (Or pre-processed snacks that must be in their original container with label so they can easily read the dozens of additives) HUH? Exactly which vegetables start with a "v". Vucchini? Vadishes? Varrots? Come ON, people!
They also had a permission slip for my son to make valentine's day cards which will then be sold for FIVE DOLLARS a piece to benefit the March of Dimes. I don't pay FIVE DOLLARS for Da Kane's v-day card. My son cannot draw anything representative. Why wouldn't they have the 3 year olds making Valentine's day cards for their parents? The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way ENTIRELY.
The March of Dimes has only a 1 star rating from CharityNavigator.com. Their president makes $467,544 a YEAR! Only 75% of your donation actually goes towards their programs. They are the lowest ranked of the 14 charities listed for "Birth Defects". Not to say they're not a worthwhile organization, but how did they rope Kindercare - one of the largest daycare chains in the USA - with over 200,000 kids - into coercing parents into donating so they can have a valentine's day card from their kid? They already collect over 214 MILLION dollars a year in donations.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
- Why do most calendars run the week from Sunday to Saturday? Not that I'm overly religious but didn't God rest on the 7th day? Which Christians observe on Sunday? Or is the average US calendar based on Judaism, where the Sabbath is Saturday? Why do we call it a week-END if one of the days is the first day of the week, and the other is actually the end of the week? Doesn't it actually feel like the week starts on Monday - at least if you work a standard Mon-Fri shift? It makes a lot more sense to see a calendar run Monday thru Sunday, but you can rarely find them. Especially if you wait until mid-January when calendars are 75% off to buy your yearly wall hanging.
- Are the grocery stores jumping on the "Make America Obese" bandwagon? I have noticed for a couple years that you cannot buy a pound of hamburger anymore, unless you get the "chubs" - those tube shaped pre-packaged hamburger packages that have a weird texture and contain who knows what from the slaughter house. At first, the packages went to 1.1 lbs. Or maybe 1.09 or 1.11, but well beyond 1.0 lbs, which is what every recipe in the world calls for. On my last grocery trip I could NOT find a package smaller than 1.23 lbs. That's almost a quarter larger than I need! That serves 5 people, instead of 4 and we're a family of 3. The large 5 lb packages that you could presumably re-package into 1 lb packages (in your spare time) are always the high fat meat - 84% lean my butt - that's 16% fat! If you buy it from the butcher man at the counter, you can get him to package 1 pound only but pay a premium. Would I rather pay 25% more for 25% more meat or for the luxury of only having 1 pound of meat?
- Why do people move to Colorado, buy a 1500 pound Dodge Neon, take it out in the snow and ice and then act amazed that it crashes and causes a traffic jam; making those of us in our sensible Subarus late for work?
Those are the random items that have irritated me beyond reason this week. How about you?
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Where Were You?
1. Where were you when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded? At work at a small newspaper in New Mexico. It was my first exposure to "bad news is good for newspapers". I worked with the circulation department and they were running around trying to decide how high to bump the press run since it was late enough in the morning to scoop the am papers.
2. Where were you when Armstrong first walked on the moon? Don't remember, I was barely in kindergarten, I think.
3. Where were you when Princess Diana died? In bed. Not alone. Enough said, as I think da Kane peruses this blog on occasion and it was before I met him.
4. Where were you on New Year’s Eve of 1999/2000? Las Vegas. But at home with da kane (before we got married). Went outside to watch the fireworks on the strip at midnight, had to go back inside as the neighbors behind us were firing weapons into the air to celebrate(!).
5. Where were you on September 11, 2001? Driving to work when I heard about the first one. My first thought was it was a little personal plane and somebody had royally screwed up. Then it quickly became apparent it was WAY more serious than that. Spent the day trying to see news on the internet as they wouldn't send us home. I had only been at that job for 2 months. Had a glass of wine at lunch I was so shaken. The woman I lunched with that day became a good friend and I think that day had something to do with it.
6. Where were you when you first heard about the big 2004 Tsunami? Sitting right here reading about it on the 'net.
7. Where were you when you first heard that Madonna would go on tour last year? Hahahahahaha
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
First of all, let me acknowledge that whatever I may choose, life may make other decisions for me. In other words, I may want to have a VBAC and prepare for one, but circumstances may dictate a c-section after all. That's ok - the number 1 priority is my bringing home a healthy baby within a few days of delivery.
Current research says that the chance of a uterine rupture in a VBAC is 0.6% - about 1/2 of 1 percent. Overall, a VBAC is SAFER for mother and baby than a repeat c-section (RCS).
Birth is a natural process. It's only in the last 100 years that it has become a medical condition. Granted, many women used to die in childbirth and medicalizing the process has improved those stats immeasurably. And I'm all for that. However, why should I choose major surgery over a natural experience? Women have been giving birth for either thousands or millions of years, depending on how fundamentalist your beliefs are.
I am honoring my body by believing that I am capable of giving birth to my child, and doing so. Having a c-section did not feel like giving birth to me - it felt like being opened up and having something removed.
I am honoring my child and the birth process to allow my body and the baby's body to notify me when he/she is ready to be born. Scheduling the birth to better fit my doctor's and my schedule seems just plain wrong.
Yes, the logistics, particularly with my 3-year old, are much more complicated. But again, having major surgery as a matter of "convenience" doesn't seem right.
This desire for a VBAC is very deeply rooted. I almost want to call it genetic memory. Every woman in my line from Lucy until my grandmother has waited for the baby to arrive, has experienced labor pains and delivered a baby. I don't know if that has any bearing or not, all I know is that the urge to deliver naturally is very strong and I think have the c-section with my son has made it even stronger.
Let me clarify something else - when I say deliver naturally, I really mean vaginally - I am not ruling out drugs, as a matter of fact I'm kind of counting on them. Better living through chemistry! The fewer interventions the better, but if the baby needs monitoring or I need an episiotomy - fine.
A friend of mine was telling me another theory. Birth is a battle for mother and child, it's not easy and it starts the child out as a fighter. I think we can all agree that the sooner a child realize that life's not always easy, the better.
Da Kane seems to be supportive now - meaning that he will not try to talk me out of a VBAC and he will be with me for the delivery, whichever route it takes.
My pro-RCS points seem rather lame at this point. More thought, research and discussions ahead.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
No 160s after lunch on the weekends would help a whole lot more.
The report said my 2 week test was normal as well. Huh? What 2 week blood glucose average test? Never heard of such an animal.
My TSH was actually up from Dec even though I've upped my thyroid meds - I guess pregnancy does a number on your thyroid as well, so my dosage is going up again on that too. I wish I could blame this tiredness on the thyroid but it's only 2.381. That's a lot lower than it used to be "normally" before I went to an endo who actually had read up on the latest suggested "normal" ranges.
I wonder if I might be anemic. Ob/Gyn said I could try iron and see how I felt. Cripes, I'm getting blood drawn about every 3 weeks from one doc or another, you'd think somebody could check it for me. I hesitate to just start taking iron because it's so constipating and I'm having enough issues with that just from the pregnancy hormones!
No wonder my husband calls me hypochondriac!
This afternoon I get my final crown put in! Hopefully back to every 3 months for the dentist. It will be nice to get to only FOUR medical/dental/therapeutic visits a month. Sarcasm intended. But I will do whatever it takes to ensure this baby's health and well-being.
I have given myself until May 1st to decide whether to persue the VBAC option. I am researching it and talking to all these experts. Expect to read more on the subject.
My elastic waistband today is uncomfortably tight. I do believe I have started growing in the belly area. This is difficult for me, being overweight already. As much as I am delighted to see proof of the baby - I dread seeing my waist expand even more. I doubt the average person on the street would even guess that I am expecting. I am thinking I need a couple pair of maternity slacks and maybe several tops that make it OBVIOUS that there is a baby in here. Maybe a sign for around my neck?
Everytime I tell another person, I feel a twinge of fear. Fear that telling people will cause me to lose this baby too. I can't even write about it much because it is a paralyzing emotion.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
My heart REALLY, REALLY wants to try for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). But, I have little support for this option from my ob/gyn who I would HATE to change after 5 years, 4 miscarriages and the birth of my son. Da Kane also doesn't see any reason for it. So, I might need to hire a Doula or just go it unsupported. It is supposed to be healthier for baby and less risky me than a surgical birth, but there is a 0.6 - 1% chance of uterine rupture which would mean surgery anyway, and a slighter risk of serious repercussions for baby or I (up to and including death, but that is a minuscule percentage).
I do not know why I want one so badly. To be a part of the sisterhood of women? To understand the natural birthing process? To be awake and alert and feel more like a mother and less like a vessel having a child removed?
The largest negatives are mostly logistical. My doc is up near work, home is 55 miles south. That means at least a 45 min drive to the hospital, which could be a problem for false labor or when labor actually starts and Da Kane and I are freaking out.
DS will need someplace to go or someone to come watch him. We have very few friends near where we live and certainly no one I'd feel comfortable calling at 2 am to come over. There isn't any family we could have come stay for a couple weeks either. Obviously this would be a PRIORITY to work out.
Those are 2 HUGE reasons to go with a scheduled surgical delivery. But they're just logistics, we're talking my last childbirth opportunity for life.
Oh yes, I also need to call my insurance company and see if they cover tubal ligation and if there's any financial benefit to doing it as part of the c-section rather than a separate surgical procedure a day or two after delivery. Funny, I feel inner resistance and I've always thought that was the way to go once we were done adding to our family. Part of me thinks if I am having this one at 44, maybe it's possible to have another at 46 or beyond, it's certainly not unheard of. But how many miscarriages can I take? 3 in a row was pretty devastating. Then we also get into the environmental reasons to stick with zero population growth (2 kids to replace Da Kane and I on the earth). Of course, we both have 2 siblings who haven't reproduced, so theoretically, we could have up to 6 and still be zero growth from our generation. MAN, am I splitting hairs or WHAT? Wouldn't adoption after 2 biologic children really be the way to go? I haven't used any birth control in 5 years and going back to it would be a major drag.
It helps to put all this in writing. I must say a repeat cesarean is looking like the logical choice.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
|You Are Austin|
Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick
Friday, January 19, 2007
Long discussion with Ob/Gyn yesterday about attempting a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). He's leaving it up to me, but stressed the 1% chance of bad things happening. Further research says it is really a 0.6% chance. I think he likes to do surgery.
I am still torn though. I want a "regular" birth, but also a little frightened of the pain and wondering if I'm physically fit enough to do it.
I also don't know how supportive this doc will be and if Da Kane will support me either. Good thing I have several months to decide.
Boring day at work today. I really need to get re-motivated or something.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
At 20 weeks (just 15 days away) the placenta really starts pumping out the insulin resistance hormones (which is why they test for glucose intolerance then), so I will need to be more vigilent to keep my insulin dose correct.
I was 6 lbs down from my pre-conception visit. No one is concerned about it except me. I do need to start testing for ketones a couple times a week. I love this doc, he realizes that I have a mild case of T2 (so far) and will jump on any big bg fluctuations without prompting. The last pregnancy, the endo had me testing my blood sugars SEVEN (7) times a day and ketones DAILY. This is with an A1C of 6.0.
I see my OB today. I have a whole list for him. This is weird, seeing both a perinatologist and an OB/GYN. Not only is it double co-pays, but add in the endo and the nutritionist and that's 4 specialist co-pays a month. Add in my teeth freaking out from pregnancy hormones and my therapy - and I am off to a doctors appt every other day it seems!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Tomorrow is my endocrinologist appointment. I have not seen him since I said:
"Let's change the focus from getting pregnant to losing weight"
then promptly conceived, probably that very night. I am a bit concerned because I have been lax on testing my blood sugar except for fasting levels. While I know fasting level is important, it's the after-meal levels that can damage you long-term and make for a fat little baby. I am not sure how to go about reminding myself. I think my A1C might be high. Also anxious because he is probably not going to be happy that he is just now seeing me at 17 weeks, when he stressed before he wanted to see me every 4 weeks. I have asked the nurse several times if he doesn't want to see me sooner via my faxed blood sugar reports (when I send them) and she doesn't respond.
It's that old male in authority fear - he might yell at me. OH WELL.
Work has been stinky, icky, yucky poo. Or as my darling son would say - POOPY.
OH WELL. I have to deal with these people for approximately 11 more months. And I get 3 of those months off for FMLA or good behavior.
It is of the utmost irony to me that the one time in my life that I am ALLOWED to gain weight (modest amounts anyway), I can barely stay the same. It really isn't fair. My appetite is off and when it's on, it seems to want fruit and such.
Da Kane is still reserving excitement over the impending birth. I realize that he is protecting his emotions, but we are past all the spots where we miscarried before and all the miscarriages were (most likely) genetic and we have a good Amnio report back now. Chances are very good that we will have a baby at the end of June. I feel a little shortchanged that my husband cannot be excited with me. This is not the first time I have been disappointed in da Kane's reaction or lack thereof. I can only surmise that this will not be the last time I feel this let-down. I cannot help but wonder if my next life will bring me a more satisfying primary relationship.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Big relief to me. Told work this week - it was fun.
New habit - waking at 1 or 2 am for 2-3 hours. It's wiping me out. I took a holiday tomorrow - will have dear son but still won't have to work and can sleep til 6 or maybe even 7 am. He sleeps later when I'm not prowling around the house getting ready for work at 5 am.
I have some blogs I really love and they are making me feel like a terrible blogger. Hopefully I will improve.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Note that they give the title Doctor to people quit for one year and beyond.
Is there a Doctor in the house?
From Ottoette on 1/7/2007 10:27:15 AM
Well, yes, as a matter of fact - there is!! ME.
In 30 minutes it will be exactly one year since I smoked a butt in the cold garage and asked myself if I was going to quit or not? I had intended to quit on the 3rd after the holiday, but had spent a few days torturing myself, bumming smokes, smoking half, going back hours later to find the butt and smoke it. It was a Saturday morning and I smoked the last bit of a butt some smoker had bummed me at work the day before. You remember how nasty those taste.
I asked myself if I was going to quit this time or not. Honestly, I was more concerned about blowing my husband's quit than anything. He had not tried to quit for 3 years and if we didn't do it this time, I thought he might take years to quit again. I knew I had a LOT of trouble quitting with his smokes in the house so I gathered my courage and told myself that I could stay quit as long as he could - I had more knowledge, more practice, more help (patch, zyban, the Q). This is about my 25th quit since 2000. I had learned A LOT.
So, it wasn't an epiphany and I didn't see a burning bush or suddenly just not want to smoke anymore, but everything changed that moment.
It hasn't been easy, especially the first 6 months. We put a lot of emphasis at the Q on making it to Elder, and probably for a lot of people, that is when it starts getting better. For me it was more like 6 months or 200 days.
I used Elder as an important goal that I had never reached before. Then I shot for 1 week quit for each year smoked (27) thinking maybe that was the magic calculation. Maybe it wasn't magic, but it kept me hanging on thinking it had to get better.
You know what? It did get better - a little tiny bit every day. I still have moments that I want a smoke, a nostalgic longing kind of thing. But I don't let myself dwell on it and I take a moment to be amazed at my quit and then I move on with the task at hand.
I will always need to keep my guard up, especially if alcohol is around. I see SO many quits blown after a few beers - if you can, just don't drink for a few months. If you can't - maybe you need to look at that behavior too?
Many thanks to the Q and all my friends here - and even some of my not-friends who kicked me in the butt when I needed that, even if I resented it at first. You guys are AMAZING and a truly wonderful resource.
364 days, 23 hours, 34 minutes and 44 seconds smoke free.
7300 cigarettes not smoked.
$1,241.00 and 1 month, 25 days, 18 hours of your life saved.
Your quit date: 1/7/2006 9:00:00 AM
Monday, January 01, 2007
Dick Clark. Geez. Ok, maybe I'm not inclusive enough or sensitive enough or whatever, but PLEASE do we have to see him every year so diminished from what he was? A minute or two's appearance would be ok, even heartwarming, but don't prop him up like some taxidermist project behind a desk like he's really appearing or something.
The fireworks off the top of Pike's Peak were especially beautiful this year. Maybe the coldness or all the snow or the almost-full moon. Quite lovely. No, I didn't get any pictures - standing in my robe on the front porch at 19 degrees Fahrenheit was enough suffering without struggling for the proper midnight camera settings. Just lazy, I know.
I am always reminded of New Year's Day in Kona when some neighborhoods looked like it had snowed a red blizzard all night. People lit 100,000 count firecracker strings like there was no tomorrow. Some Asian superstition/tradition about scaring the bad demons away from the new year
Resolutions. I sometimes make them, sometimes not - rarely keep them. It crossed my mind several times recently that Quitting Smoking is NOT on the resolution list for the first time in at least a decade, maybe 2? I knew I should quit long before I would admit it to anyone else. I was going to be a "die-hard" -- pun intended. I'm so glad I have 359 smoke-free days behind me. I continue to be, and probably always will be a puff away from a pack a day but I think as long as I avoid drinking alcohol with smokers, I think I can stay smokefree. As long as I always remember it's the first puff that kills you.
These thoughts lead me to consider that perhaps I can now move onto another important New Year's resolution. This one I haven't had on my list since "Tainted Love" was a hit by Soft Cell. It's related to a resolution I've had longer than the quit smoking one. I always VOWED to lose weight. Obviously at 15 weeks pregnant, I won't even consider that for this year, but I CAN consider....
Exercise. Yes, intentional exercise on a regular basis. I think 4 days a week, 30 mins minimum is reasonable, measurable and specific enough. I know that to many thousands of Americans, that would seem like a lame target -- but I know that to many MILLIONS of USA-folk, it is beyond what is currently achieved. Most importantly, it is much needed for me. I have had several streaks of 2-4 weeks this year but I have never, ever stuck to a routine for very long.
I don't want to get bogged down into all the reasons/excuses why I haven't done it before or why I have stopped. I want to focus on all the very good motives I have to do it this year. And that is a post for tomorrow.