Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Regrets, I've had a few
But not too few to mention.
There are only a couple of big regrets in my life. Even fewer that I am willing to discuss publicly.
My college experience. Although I discovered newspapers and started my first career at Slippery Rock; I thoroughly messed up the primary academic purpose of being there, and ended up dropping out. I could write a whole entry about it, but suffice it to say I have had more than a dozen opportunities to regret that.
My alcohol abuse. I wish I had somehow figured it out sooner, and perhaps I would have quit sooner and grown up spiritually and emotionally sooner. These 2 regrets are tied together in several ways, and launched their own smaller regrets throughout my life.
Starting motherhood so late. This is the one that I regret most of all, this is the one that I beat myself up over late at night. It appears that I started too late to have multiple biologic children as I have always wanted.
I ADORE my son. I really do. Even though I have this picture to blackmail him with later in life.
He has added dimensions to my life I never expected, as well as the ones I did expect.
I wanted so desperately to have at least 2 children.
I want James to be and have a sibling. My brothers are so important to me, and were such a big part of my life growing up, that I want that for James. I truly think your siblings are really the only people who totally get where you come from.
Our family feels a bit incomplete.
My body just wants another baby. I feel aches and yearnings when I see babies, which is each day that I pick James up at Kindercare.
I want the chance to do the infant thing again, hopefully better this time.
I want to take some of the pressure off James. The only child pressure, and the mommy-guilt-fear-hypochondriac pressure.
I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant before James, and I have had 3 since he was born, at 7, 7 and 8 weeks. This last disappointment really hurt.
I turned forty-four 10 days ago. I know that theoretically I am not too old to carry a baby - but I am 60 lbs overweight, I have hypothyroidism and Type 2 Diabetes. Getting in better health and shape is another regret - I just can't seem to do it.
I feel I must give up this 2nd baby dream, but it leaves me in tears each time I think it.
Posted by Ottoette at 8/22/2006 01:08:00 PM