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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Regrets, I've had a few


But not too few to mention.
There are only a couple of big regrets in my life. Even fewer that I am willing to discuss publicly.
My college experience. Although I discovered newspapers and started my first career at Slippery Rock; I thoroughly messed up the primary academic purpose of being there, and ended up dropping out. I could write a whole entry about it, but suffice it to say I have had more than a dozen opportunities to regret that.
My alcohol abuse. I wish I had somehow figured it out sooner, and perhaps I would have quit sooner and grown up spiritually and emotionally sooner. These 2 regrets are tied together in several ways, and launched their own smaller regrets throughout my life.
Starting motherhood so late. This is the one that I regret most of all, this is the one that I beat myself up over late at night. It appears that I started too late to have multiple biologic children as I have always wanted.
I ADORE my son. I really do. Even though I have this picture to blackmail him with later in life.
He has added dimensions to my life I never expected, as well as the ones I did expect.
I wanted so desperately to have at least 2 children.
I want James to be and have a sibling. My brothers are so important to me, and were such a big part of my life growing up, that I want that for James. I truly think your siblings are really the only people who totally get where you come from.
Our family feels a bit incomplete.
My body just wants another baby. I feel aches and yearnings when I see babies, which is each day that I pick James up at Kindercare.
I want the chance to do the infant thing again, hopefully better this time.
I want to take some of the pressure off James. The only child pressure, and the mommy-guilt-fear-hypochondriac pressure.
I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant before James, and I have had 3 since he was born, at 7, 7 and 8 weeks. This last disappointment really hurt.
I turned forty-four 10 days ago. I know that theoretically I am not too old to carry a baby - but I am 60 lbs overweight, I have hypothyroidism and Type 2 Diabetes. Getting in better health and shape is another regret - I just can't seem to do it.
I feel I must give up this 2nd baby dream, but it leaves me in tears each time I think it.

2 comments:

Michko said...

I felt the same aches and yearnings. I just knew we had another child in our future. I could see it, I could feel it. I also have Type 2, and am overweight, but I'm only 31, so I don't have as many factors against me. If it's truly your dream and desire to have a bigger biological family then I think you should do whatever it takes to realize your dream. Don't give up!

Rachel said...

I'm only 30, but I'm already regretting waiting so long to decide whether or not to have kids. I may be in perimenopause already, which is scary.