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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Bitterness is an awful breakfast

I awoke late again this morning. Checked my email while slugging down my first cup of coffee and I had a birth announcement. It's not pretty, but it made me angry, jealous and a tad upset. That sounds just awful.
The father is the man I dated prior to my husband. Among other problems, he did not want to ever have kids. I wasted a year of fertility on him is how I look at it now.
When I was pregnant the first time in 2002, his new girlfriend got pregnant. I miscarried in Oct '02, they had a baby boy in I think March '03. My son was born in Sept '03. Since then, I have had 3 miscarriages and they have had 3 babies, including twin girls this week.
I hate feeling like this but it's hard to stop it. I intellectually know that if we had had a child together, I wouldn't have had my wonderful son James (though wouldn't his soul have come to me anyway? Depends upon your beliefs I guess). I also know we would have made a poor match long term.
I accept responsibility for frittering away so many of my good fertile years with partying and focusing on my career. All those years of using birth control and trying to avoid pregnancy, I had the belief that as soon as I stopped bc I would turn up pregnant - it doesn't work that way past 35.
But I'm still hurt and angry and touchy this am. It does not help that I started my period today too, so I'm not pregnant again this cycle and I'm PMS'ing. Emotionally, every cycle these days feels like another miscarriage.
I think I'm going to have to accept that dear son will be an only OR cough up the bucks to get to a fertility specialist.
I feel like a good cry, but I have to find someplace private to do so.
Last night was Mommy Movie Night and The Lake House was good although difficult to bend your mind around the time warping. Da Kane has been making lots of cutting remarks about my going, but he will have to accept it, as I have decided I need a few hours for myself a couple times a month. A movie or dinner or even a trip to the library - I deserve it!
I must put all this behind me for the day and get some work done. It's tough.

2 comments:

Mel said...

Kim,

I'm sorry about all that fertility stuff. Although I have four kids, I was infertile, too. (Adopted twins, then got pregnant unexpectedly twice, five years apart.) Anyway, I remember the feelings of jealousy and bitterness when my friend would get pregnant while I was still waiting. And waiting.

Also, I go to movies three or four times a month ALONE. I love it. I deserve it. And no one can stop me! ;)

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