Saturday, July 01, 2006

Return Continued

So, when last we met, I was up to why none of these medical issues have struck me as very serious and why that has changed.
I don't guess I really have a point - there has been no "AH HA" moment, no light bulb appearing above my head. I have spent my life waiting for such times, and they never come for me, I am more of a cumulative effect kinda gal.
Monday is 10 years since my Mother died. She started having her serious health issues at about my age - that's a part of it. She never really took care of her diabetes or weight issues. Didn't deal with alcohol until it caused so much pain that a little wine would put her in the hospital. (Pancreatitis).
My Dad and Step-Mom were just in town for 2 weeks. Dad will be 75 in a couple months, and his health is not the best, mostly because he has never addressed his diabetes or other health issues. He's losing vision in his left eye due to diabetic complications. He thinks nothing of waking up with a bg of 200.
Don't misunderstand me, my parents were/are very good people. But I would like to learn from their mistakes.
My mother never did quit smoking til the last trip to the hospital. My Dad quit at 42. I quit at 43, but the past 2-3 years I have spent more time not smoking than smoking, and hopefully that counts for something.
Interesting sidebar here - of my Dad and his wife, all original 4 marriage partners smoked. Dad quit at 42, Step-Mom quit at 40-something. Their spouses did not quit and both died in their early 60's. Does that tell you anything?
Ok, back to the topic at hand, to wit - me.
I have an almost 3-yr old son and I can see the day fast approaching when I cannot keep up with him. I don't want to be a spectator parent - I want to be active. Would losing 60 lbs and controlling my diabetes help? DUH.
I have been here so many times before though. All fired up about changing my eating and exercise behavior, only to see the motivation peter out rather quickly. One think I hope this blog will do is help me keep my motivation and focus going.
I thought blogging at would help, but that turned into more of a forum, chatting and trying to elicit comments more than honest expression of my efforts and mental state.
Such as, why am I craving cigs more today than I have in a few weeks? Those that have gone before me over at quitnet say that anniversaries trigger this kind of thing, and I am only a few days away from 6 months. I can't begin to express how much I HATE craving poison. Which logically should keep me from smoking, but in actuality, it wears me down if I am not ever vigilant. I have not had a single puff since early 1/7/06, but I have blown a couple dozen prior quits because I let the desire and cravings wear me down. If da kane - my hubby, had not quit with me this time, I doubt I would have made it this long.
A big reason I am dwelling on the health issues is that I just feel like crap. I'm tired, I can't get a lot of normal chores done, I don't feel well.
Honestly, another reason is that I have to have some personal project to focus on. I will read, research, create a zillion charts and plans for a "while", then it all starts to peter out. I hate this about myself. I can be so diligent about work, or being a friend, daughter, mother - but not taking care of myself.
Is this low self-esteem? Or is that just an excuse I have trotted out regularly for 20 years?


Kerri. said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog, Kim! I'll be linking you from Six Until Me. and coming back to read your new posts (once I finally score a reliable internet service!)

-- Kerri.

Monika said...

You quit smoking! You are SO my hero. I'm really having a hard time with it, but I know I have to give 'them' up.