Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I have been in hiding

Great - the "save as draft" feature on blogger deletes your text. But it saves your title! Just wonderful.

I think I was saying that the blues give me writer's block. Yes, I seem to have some prenatal depression stirring. I can feel it, almost physically. Kinda blah, my first take on everything is negative and obsessive, as opposed to my old positive and obsessive but fighting it. I don't want to get up in the morning or from my occasional weekend nap. I REALLY don't want to go to work and let every little thing there drive me batsh!t.
With Kimo I took Zoloft the 2nd half of the pregnancy because this happened. It was all fine then, my ob/gyn had even given it to his wife during gestation. Now of course, they have come out with a study that it's bad for the baby, particularly in the 3rd trimester. I start the 3rd tri in about 3 weeks. So, I'm left debating my options. Lemon Balm has been suggested. Exercise has helped in the past, which is the ultimate catch-22 - the only relief for not wanting to get out of bed is getting out of bed earlier.

I am feeling the baby move regularly now. She sleeps for long stretches sometimes during the day, which always freaks me out, so I am keeping the rented doppler for now. Funny, she gave me a good, solid kick while I wrote that. I hearby dub her "Maile" in keeping with the Hawaiian theme of my pseudonyms. I love the feeling of a baby moving inside me, it is so bizarre, yet sweet and your own little secret. Until we get to this point of course:

I catch myself thinking the worst still, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to trust that Maile will be here in June.

I had my yearly review at work yesterday - no bad news, no good. It's very hard to adjust to thinking of another 18 months there when I thought we were down to 10 months to go. I have known I was headed for a lay-off in this position since 2003, this is getting harder and harder. They have gotten rid of about 100 out of 225 associates at our location in the past year - it is demoralizing.
I am not planning menus on the weekend like I was for a while. This makes it extremely hard to eat according to plan and keep my sugars in range. I woke up hungry at 2 am last night and tested at 84, so I had a cup of warm milk thinking the dinnertime NPH would still be kicking in, I woke up at 6:30 at 90.
CRIPES, I just realized I did not take my 4u of NPH this morning that I just started yesterday. Telecommute day is hell on my medications and schedule. Then again, I am working in my robe at 11:20 am, so it DEFINITELY ROCKS for most of life.
I am just rambling now. I will close and look for a better afternoon. Maybe a shower, toothbrushing and clothes would improve my outlook.

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