More Wait and See

I didn't get my HcG re-tested until Friday, due to the blizzard. It was 10,000. This is quite an improvement over past pregnancies but it should have doubled every 2 days, meaning it should have been 16,000. However, I have read that a 150% increase instead of 200% increase is acceptable, so maybe 10,000 means the baby's still viable.
I see the specialist on Thursday including an ultrasound to see if there's a visible sac/embryo/heart beat. I will just continue to try to stay calm and healthy but not fixate on it. (No days spent at Babycenter boards).
I have not told any medical professionals that I'm using the progesterone gel from the last pregnancy. I just called the pharmacy and I did have a refill left so I ordered it. It won't be in until tomorrow. If that's what's sustaining the pregnancy, 4 or 5 days without it might be enough to end it? Unless it was sustaining it because I am deficient. My fasting blood sugar this morning was the lowest (92) that it's been in a couple weeks - is that a bad sign that HcG is dropping (HcG increases insulin resistance)? I don't know. Then again, maybe it's the thyroid meds or the increased metformin or the luck of the egg genetics draw.
Or the sperm genetics. The doctors just assume these lost pregnancies are due to "bad eggs". I realize at my age that's probably a safe assumption, but it's NOT CERTAIN. STOP BLAMING ME. Although I have no control over it, I can still feel a lot of guilt over the "bad eggs".
You can see how quickly I can go crazy trying to analyze all the data without a medical or statistical degree.
The nurse at the specialist was trying to pin me down about labor and delivery and if I would continue to see my regular ob/gyn and all these other details. I finally said, with my voice cracking and the tears probably evident, "I haven't thought that far ahead, let's just get to the 11th week and then we'll see".
The 11th week is the genetic testing, so if we get past this 7/8 week jinx, I can worry about that instead.
Ok, must get my head back on straight. If it is meant to be, it will be. I can only do everything I can do to maintain a healthy pregnancy, and then it is no longer up to me!

Drive-by

A quick drive-by post as this is a busy day.
The Blizzard of '06 kept me home yesterday. No way was I going to risk an accident or getting stuck at work, or sleeping by the highway when I can telecommute. Luckily, my boss is very cool about it. We got 21 inches of snow in about 15 hours - it was AMAZING.
What is even more bizarre is that it's supposed to be 55 degrees today! Colorado is the oddest weather I have ever lived in. With 12 states under my belt, that's saying something.
Still pregnant! Going to a specialist next week for a consultation because I am not confident that my ob/gyn knows every available option to deal with my particular situation. The new guy will co-manage with my reg doc, so that's very good.
Of course by late next week when my consultation is, I will be coming up on 7 weeks very quickly, and that is the most common time for me to miscarry.
HOWEVER, my HcG on Monday was 3976 and it has NEVER gotten that high in the past 3 pregnancies. Honestly, I am just trying not to think about it too much. I'm being as healthy as I can, although I could do some more exercise.
I am dressed as a pirate today, and have lots to do before the company kids halloween party at 3 this afternoon. My son should be here about 2:30 - I can't wait - he looks really awesome in his pirate costume. I will post a pic very soon!

High Sugar Hand Lotion

My blood sugar was much higher than I thought it should be yesterday, so I went and washed my hands really well and tested again and it was 30 pts lower! I put my new hand lotion on again and re-tested - high again.
So, my lovely new Nightingale Naturals Natural Body Lotion must contain a LOT of sugar! I have the Lavendar Tangerine and it smells almost good enough to eat. But it is HIGH SUGAR.
I read over at busymom.net yesterday about hand lotioners and lip balmers and how winter brings them out. Yep, that's me! Where's my carmax??

Here we go again

I am elated and terrified. On day 37 of my cycle (yesterday) I finally decided that waking up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom and the persistent fatigue last week were enough reasons to test and it was positive.
No doubt, 2nd line came up fast and much darker than the test line.
This is my 4th pregnancy in 2 years. The other 3 ended in weeks 7 or 8 for unknown reasons. I am week 5 now.
I have already quit smoking (9.5 months now), I don't drink hardly anyway, I am eating as well as I know how with the new nutritionist's plan. I already cut out most of the aspartame that was in my diet.
I started the progesterone suppositories last week just in case. This is another long story with my ob/gyn.
There's not much else I know to do, except cut my coffee to a minimum, exercise daily and perhaps eat a little more.
I have not told da kane yet. In an effort to protect his own feelings, he has been less than enthusiastic the last 2 pregnancies. I can understand, but I also know that we cannot get to a live biological child without going through the pregnancy, so it is cause for guarded celebration.
I need to call my endo and I'm sure they'll start me on Lantus again. I actually took 4 units last night - the starting dose of my last pregnancy. My fasting bg was 108 this morning, too high for pregnancy. However, the lantus may be old. Stupid stuff goes bad in 6-8 weeks.
I need to call my nutritionist and see what she says. Haha, this is very funny as I have left 2 messages for them in the past 10 days and they haven't returned the calls yet. I am assuming I should just up my calorie intake, but she may want to bail on the situation, given her specialty is bariatrics and sports performance.
I need to decide if I want my ob/gyn to refer me to another specialist. I like him and ADORE his nurse, but he doesn't seem to have much experience with high risk pregnancies - he certainly got DS delivered safely, but I am 3 years older and now have T2 diabetes added to the mix.
I need a good cry probably. I feel very emotional. I can't believe how frightened I am. That can't be good. I need to pray. I am not much of an organized religion person, but I do have my own strong beliefs in a higher power.
It's so ironic, my last period was 9/16. On 9/29 I told my endo we should switch focus from pregnancy to weight loss and I probably conceived within a day or two of that statement.
This is very good in that I could still get a maternity leave in under my present company. My position isn't supposed to end until 12/31/07. They have even better maternity leave now than when DS was born.
Oh, I finally dropped the lb I was stalled on Saturday. Today I am up 2 lbs from there. Funny I'm not even concerned about it now.
Now for the fun of the day:

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

Are you SURE it's not Saturday?

I didn't set my alarm last night. I woke up at 5:50-something and thought "oh, it must be Saturday since my alarm didn't go off". Stretched for a couple minutes and got to thinking that it really must be Friday. Started to doze off and heard the doorbell. Now, the doorbell didn't actually chime, but in my half-sleep I would have sworn it did. This is usually my sub-conscious mind trying to alert my conscious mind that it needs to WAKE UP. It's funny, normally it's a phone ringing sound. Once it was my Dad's voice calling me. Sometimes it is becuase DS is calling me or it's my pager going off.
I got up late and DS got up early. We try to avoid crossing our paths in the am because I hear a lot of "Mommy, you stay with me today!" or "I come to work with you!" Neither of which is likely most days. The Da Kane was irritated because he felt that I woke DS up unnecessarily. When he's calling loudly to me "Mommmy, need to go potty" - I can't just ignore him.
And I got on the scale and was down .5 lbs - then I got on it again to be sure I was in the exact right spot on the scale and I was UP .5 lbs. Now I'm getting PISSED!
This is my history with dieting. I do really well for a couple weeks (usually I lose more like 12 or 15 lbs the first 2-3 weeks) and then I stall out. And then I start cheating. And then it's all over.
How do I break that cycle this time? I am tired of writing down every bite. Of being really hungry from 10:00 - 11:30 every morning and waiting anxiously for my 3 pm snack every afternoon. It really sucks to think about food almost all the time, but only eat a tiny bit. I am so ready for a big mexican combo plate at Amigo's - the chile relleno, tamale and cheese enchilada is my favorite - all smothered with green sauce. Or the Chicken Chimichanga - which is just to DIE FOR.
Shit.


And to add insult to injury - the nutritionist's office never called me back yesterday. Both the doctor and the dietician told me to call anytime and I have called twice but never had a return call.
Can you believe I was thinner when DS was 8 weeks old than I am today??

What to be for Halloween?

This was fun! Actually, my son and I are going to be "non-Pirates of the Carribbean" pirates!

Your Halloween Costume Should Be

A Martini

What Should You Be For Halloween?

Still Stalled

Another day. I was perfectly on plan yesterday. 2 frozen meals though, which may have been a bit much sodium. I did work out. I am going to drink at least 60 oz of water today and stay on plan and cross my fingers.
Day 34 of the cycle too. That would truly be ironic if I got knocked up again the month I decided to stop "trying" so hard.
Many people might question why I weigh everyday, but believe me, it works better for me. If I weigh weekly, I am more tempted to indulge thinking I have days before the weigh in.

Weight loss stalled

Day 5 of the same weigh in. I find these stalls extremely frustrating. Why am I going hungry, spending all this time planning meals, etc, with no results? Of course I would probably feel the same if I had only lost .5 or 1 lb in this time frame. I wish I would start feeling better physically and then I could at least have that to keep my motivation waxing.
Also day 33 of this cycle. My average cycle length since the last miscarriage is 29.5 days. I don't feel preggers. Maybe my weight is stalling as a result of prolonged PMS? Every negative HPT feels like a huge failure these days, so I don't want to take one.
Admittedly, I am slacking on the working out. Today is my telecommute day. I have 1/2 hr of my lunch left, perhaps I should go downstairs and work out. That's what I'll do.

Temptation Island

Sunday afternoon and I'm feeling weak. My son just had a mini-pizza for lunch and there are several little slices left over. I ate like 700 calories for lunch.
Sunday afternoons have always been hard times for me. I get a mini-case of the blues.

Lucky 7

Yipppee!! I'm 7.5 lbs down as of this morning! WoooHooo. Let's hope tomorrow shows it's sustained. I did very well today, actually 100% on plan, whereas yesterday was pretty bad with the off-site meeting at a country club, all catered. I tried to balance my poor choices anyway.
Sugars are running a little higher than I'd like, but still low enough that they won't put me back on Lantus. I really need to get more faithful about checking them on this eating plan - which is now 2 weeks old!

Blog Downer

• Is anyone reading this and just not commenting? If so, would you de-lurk and post a comment just so I know?
• I have gotten hooked on several blogs and all of them seem to be taking a hiatus. Or posting once a week instead of daily. It has let me down.
• I am back up a pound. I guess spaghetti is not really good for me, even though it was ww pasta, extra veggie sauce and ground turkey. I am not going to let it get me down.
• I am NOT GOING TO LET IT GET ME DOWN.
• I am on plan (OP) today at least
• The Biggest Loser is on tonight
• Soccer Buddies make-up session is also tonight
• I must shut down my pc so that I may get something done around here - pitiful, isn't it?

First Follow Up

I went yesterday and met with the dietician at the nutritionists office. According to their scale I am only down 2.8, at home I am down 4.5. Very discouraging. Of course, she told me that's what they'd like to see - max of 2 lbs a week. I don't go back for a month.
I was looking for a reward after the appointment and I had let myself get too hungry - not excuses, just examining my behavior so I can improve next time. I got back to work, and over the course of the afternoon I had my planned lunch plus a giant poppyseed muffin, a small scoop of jelly beans, a bag of micro popcorn. What is up with that? I *should* have felt all motivated and ready to stay steady on my course and instead I go nuts. I got back to normal after work and have been on plan since, but it was very revealing on an emotional level.
I was down 5 lbs yesterday morning, put 1/2 back on. It's unrealistic, but I feel like 4-5 lbs for 10 days is not commendable. The RD talked to me about not weighing so often, but I'm not sure I can do that. I don't know how to get my expectations in line. I guess in a way, The Biggest Loser is an anti-motivator, because they post 7-10 lb losses a week regularly, if not more! Heck, if I was at a spa someplace working out 2-3 hours a day I could probably do that too. But, I'm NOT.

This is the big allure of the fad diet - lose 12 lbs in 2 weeks!

1925: The Cigarette Diet — In the age before tobacco advertising restrictions, several cigarette companies hailed the appetite-suppressing qualities of their products. One ad for Lucky Strikes urged smokers to "Reach for a Lucky instead
of a sweet."

The RD is concerned I might end up smoking if I diet too hard, having just quit 9 months ago. I promised her I would eat before I would smoke. Current wisdom is that even 1 cig a day can be toxic, while 1 lb is really not much. Just 5-10% weight loss can improve your health whereas you have to quit totally to really benefit from quitting and I am living proof of the difficulty of that task!
I think I need something else to focus on - I am putting too much pressure on the scale. I guess I will take my measurements tonight and see if inches can help? Or maybe something totally different - some non-food related project. Any ideas?

Another One Bites the Dust!

Another pound gone! Looking back though, I put these 4 lbs on in about 5 days time a couple weeks ago so taking them off in 5 days time is not so thrilling. I have an appt with the nutritionist's nurse on Monday, so that will keep me going strong another 4 days, hopefully.
I am wearing my JDRF wristband to help me remember all the reasons I am doing this. They are mostly health-based, or son-based, very little to do with vanity. But I gotta tell you, I caught a glimpse of my butt in a pair of slacks the other day and it was horrifying.
Mostly still struggling with the lack of gum. Surprisingly enough the coffee thing hasn't bothered me much today, but I have had 2 cups of tea.
Yesterday I did my WW DVD at lunchtime and then ran around like a maniac at Soccer Buddies with my little guy after work. My heart started skipping beats and beating and odd rhythm at dinner, so I just went and layed (laid?) down and ended up asleep at 8:45, which is really when I should go to sleep anyway with a 4:45 wake-up time. I felt fine this am. I have premature ventricular contractions, but they don't usually act up unless I'm pretty hungover. Since I no longer drink enough to get that way, I was surprised. I will be watching it.
Oh, have you guys read "Julia" - another GREAT blog - I am adding it to the Blogroll!

Munching Withdrawl

Telecommute day is SO nice! But so close to the kitchen! I'm having troubles with the not snacking and the getting enough vegetables. I can only eat so many salads!
I am missing my coffee too! However, I'm on day 5 and lost 3 lbs in the first 4 days.
I cannot get excited about 3 lbs when I can gain 3 overnight and have been known to lose 8 or 9 in a week. But I'm trying to feel proud at least! I'm going in the right direction and I am learning new, healthy habits!

New Life

Hmm, wonder if I should change my title since I'm not on insulin now?
The nutritionist (Dr S.) I went to was super-cool, I really liked her. I was so afraid she would be a skinny blonde cheerleader type that I just couldn't relate to, but she's brunette, cute figure but not super-skinny, glasses, smart and warm.
She has me on a Glycemic Index type diet but the biggest changes for me are eating 3 meals and one snack a day ONLY. NO sugarless gum or flavored waters or coffee with creamer between meals. Whoa - big change for me. The theory is that the constant stimulus of sweets in your mouth keeps the insulin and cortisol levels high in your body which messes up fat storage. (Obviously not everything she told me) My waist was 51” while my hips were 48”, so I’m a prime candidate for this theory of visceral fat being from cortisol. I have gained 15 lbs in the last 4 months while trying to lose, so it does make me wonder if the constant sugarless gum and flavored h2o wasn’t more hinderance than help.
The coffee thing is challenging me. I used to drink coffee pretty much all morning with sugarless french vanilla creamer in it. And flavored water the rest of the day.
It’s not strictly GI as I am allowed small portions of pasta or rice or whatever, but she stresses 20+ grams of protein at every meal! At least 60 gr protein a day, and each meal should have a carb/protein ratio of < 3.
The gum thing is challenging me, I had replaced smoking with the gum almost completely and didn't even realize it.
Dr. S didn’t make big promises she can’t/won’t keep, I check in with someone at her office every 2 weeks in person, I can call her for a pep talk, etc, etc.
She did offer phentermine (only after I brought it up because my endo had suggested it instead of Byetta) which I am afraid of, but will keep it in the back of my mind if I can stick to this plan but hit a plateau. I might consider a month of it here or there, maybe. I dunno - I did phen-fen in the 90’s before it was illegal and it made me feel really weird. This is the “safe” part of that potion, but she won’t use it for more than a month at a time, which was a relief. Made me feel like she wasn’t a quack. I have had friends lose a lot on phentermine, only to act very unlike themselves while on it, then gain it back within a year—not the solution I am looking for.
She also offered a meal replacement for 2 meals a day, only after I have done the GI thing for a couple months and only if I plateaued.
BEST of all - Dr S. works with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders/emotional eating, etc. The therapist even has an office in Dr S’s office. I actually feel hopeful and have been totally OP for 3 whole days!!!! In a row! amazing for me - huh?
I am having a much tougher time this morning. I want to munch, I want more coffee. I want, I want, I want! I want some gum, I want some food, I want coffee. I want water that tastes like something. I can have tea, so perhaps I will try a cup of that - without any sweetener - caloric or not.

Toddler Funnies

In the midst of potty training, DS was on the potty and I heard a noise.
"Are you pooping?", I ask.
"No, passing gasoline", he says. :-) Boy wouldn't that pay for college!

"I tell you joke", he says.
"knock-knock"
"who's there?" Mommy asks
"Banana" says James with a big grin
"Banana who?"
"Banana Eaten", says James who then cracks up with big belly laughs. I still don't get it but boy is it funny!