I awoke late again this morning. Checked my email while slugging down my first cup of coffee and I had a birth announcement. It's not pretty, but it made me angry, jealous and a tad upset. That sounds just awful.
The father is the man I dated prior to my husband. Among other problems, he did not want to ever have kids. I wasted a year of fertility on him is how I look at it now.
When I was pregnant the first time in 2002, his new girlfriend got pregnant. I miscarried in Oct '02, they had a baby boy in I think March '03. My son was born in Sept '03. Since then, I have had 3 miscarriages and they have had 3 babies, including twin girls this week.
I hate feeling like this but it's hard to stop it. I intellectually know that if we had had a child together, I wouldn't have had my wonderful son James (though wouldn't his soul have come to me anyway? Depends upon your beliefs I guess). I also know we would have made a poor match long term.
I accept responsibility for frittering away so many of my good fertile years with partying and focusing on my career. All those years of using birth control and trying to avoid pregnancy, I had the belief that as soon as I stopped bc I would turn up pregnant - it doesn't work that way past 35.
But I'm still hurt and angry and touchy this am. It does not help that I started my period today too, so I'm not pregnant again this cycle and I'm PMS'ing. Emotionally, every cycle these days feels like another miscarriage.
I think I'm going to have to accept that dear son will be an only OR cough up the bucks to get to a fertility specialist.
I feel like a good cry, but I have to find someplace private to do so.
Last night was Mommy Movie Night and The Lake House was good although difficult to bend your mind around the time warping. Da Kane has been making lots of cutting remarks about my going, but he will have to accept it, as I have decided I need a few hours for myself a couple times a month. A movie or dinner or even a trip to the library - I deserve it!
I must put all this behind me for the day and get some work done. It's tough.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Where's my Motivation?
Hey YOU! Over there, in the blue shirt! Did you take my motivation? No? Well, have you seen it? Call 911, see if we can put an APB out for it.
Friday, July 07, 2006
SIX MONTHS!
Yes, it is six whole months since I puffed on a cigarette. On one hand, I can hardly believe it's already been 26 weeks, and on the other, it seems like a few years. Isn't that the way of important events? I cannot believe my son is already nearing 3, yet I can barely remember what life was like before he arrived.
It took a couple dozen tries to get here. The record before completely puff-free is 2 months. I made it 3 months twice, but was starting to cheat by that milestone. That's one trick I can share - it's the first puff that gets you, or "I'm a puff away from a pack a day". My quit gadget on Quitnet says I have NOT smoked over 3600 cigs as of today. Honestly, I have NOT smoked just one -- the first one. This is a recovery technique borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, but like so many other AA sayings and techniques, it's applicable to any addiction.
Many time I have just barely made it. Here are some things that helped me.
- Coming up with my own goal. For me it was 1 week for each year smoked, which will be next week. I convinced myself that when I reached that it would get much easier. I didn't see the great improvement at 30, 60 or 90 days that others did.
- Not expecting it to get easier after a week or a month or 100 days. Everyone is different, but for me it was a very gradual improvement though nothing has been as bad as hell week.
- Delay & distract. IE, I will not smoke one right now, but I can if I still want one this badly in an hour or tomorrow I can have it; then get busy with something else.
- WATER. Ice cold water has magical properties when it comes to cig cravings
- Sunflower seeds.
- Fireballs - the hot jawbreakers.
- Quitnet - incredible amount of online support and quit info.
- Hubby quitting at the same time. Da Kane has had an easier time than I, it looks like, but never judge another's recovery. All I know for sure is that not having cigs in the house made my quit much easier.
- A complete list of every single reason I can think of to quit that I reviewed all the time the first couple months.
- Nicoderm Patch, compliments of the state of Colorado.
- Nicotine gum, for the really tough spots the first few weeks. I actually like the new mint coated Nicorette.
- Several supporters at work. Personally, it worked well to tell everyone I was quitting and have them check in with me. Unfortunately, people who have never smoked pretty much think it's all over and done after a month or so.
- Rewards! I may have spent all the $600 I've saved by not smoking so far, but it was worth it. Particularly the 30 min massages a few times a month.
- Knowing that it's not over yet and probably never will be. And that's ok today. I smoked for 27 years, maybe after 27 years smokefree I will not have to keep my guard up, until then I must be aware.
- Anger at Big Tobacco. It really helps to read up on their deceitful and dangerous practices. Once you fully understand that they do not care that they are killing their customers, and would like to addict more teenagesrs to kill them too eventually, you don't want to give them more money.
I just don't know where to start to overcome this addictive eating! Argh! But for today, I will just try to keep it mindful and celebrate my success over smoking.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
2nd Monday this week :-(
Yes, I worked Monday-monday (7/3), had a holiday yesterday (Happy b-day USA), and now I'm working Monday-wednesday (7/5). Obviously, I am not working that hard.......
Had a spell after lunch when I felt drunk. Checked my sugar - 107, pretty darned good for 30 mins after lunch. Don't know what it was, but come to think of it, I've felt it a few times this week. Is it the levothyroxine? Who friggin' knows? I am back to the 50 mcg a day dosage, cutting it in half for a couple days really helped with the feeling crazy, emotional, panic attack-prone crud I was going through. If that starts again, I am demanding to see the endo early - hahahahahahaaha. Those of you with a popular specialist know how amusing that statement is. Mine requires 3 office personnel, 4 nurses and a couple Nurse Practioners who are diabetes educators too. That's how popular he is. If 1 doctor and 2 NPs require 6 exam rooms, you know somebody's sitting around waiting. (it's not the doc)
Anyways, pulling the diet back onto the straight and narrow is harder than I even imagined. Gained 10 lbs in 1 month of being a slacker. This am, a co-worker came by and told me he had stocked up on goodies from Costco and to stop by.
I lasted about 45 mins before I was in his office getting dry roasted peanuts and jelly belly jellybeans. Not diet, nor diabetic foods, last I checked. Not a huge amount at least. Certainly not as much as I could have eaten.
How much of the nation's obesity epidemic is directly attributable to Costco, Sam's or other warehouse type stores? They do sell some healthy snacky stuff in individual sized bags but how easy is it to grab another bag when you have 48? Reminds me of the day I bought some choc chip cookie 100-cal packs and ate all 6 packs before bed. (6x100=600 or 37.5% of my daily calories)
But then I had lunch out already scheduled, and went to Applebee's. They actually have a great Weight Watchers based menu, but oh no, I had to order the spinach shrimp salad with hot bacon dressing. I told them to go light on the dressing, but the salad was drenched. At least I left a great deal of the bacon at the bottom of the bowl. And I got my daily supply of popeye green.
However, my sugars have been fine today. This tells me, and correct me if I'm wrong, that my lantus and metformin are geared towards my eating poorly. We'll see how it goes as I improve my diet.
I have so much dieting info floating in my head again that I'm confused. Between South Beach, common sense, carb counting and Diabetic Exchanges, I am lost. I think I will just log in fitday everything I eat for a few days and watch how it goes. ONLY for a few days, otherwise this vague of an approach will get dropped. More planning of foods, less reading of plans. Logging every bite always helps anyway.
Feeling better now, not so drunk and foggy. Walked upstairs and I was puffing a bit at the top. Haven't done that much since I quit smoking 179 days ago. Maybe I am retaining water?
Had a spell after lunch when I felt drunk. Checked my sugar - 107, pretty darned good for 30 mins after lunch. Don't know what it was, but come to think of it, I've felt it a few times this week. Is it the levothyroxine? Who friggin' knows? I am back to the 50 mcg a day dosage, cutting it in half for a couple days really helped with the feeling crazy, emotional, panic attack-prone crud I was going through. If that starts again, I am demanding to see the endo early - hahahahahahaaha. Those of you with a popular specialist know how amusing that statement is. Mine requires 3 office personnel, 4 nurses and a couple Nurse Practioners who are diabetes educators too. That's how popular he is. If 1 doctor and 2 NPs require 6 exam rooms, you know somebody's sitting around waiting. (it's not the doc)
Anyways, pulling the diet back onto the straight and narrow is harder than I even imagined. Gained 10 lbs in 1 month of being a slacker. This am, a co-worker came by and told me he had stocked up on goodies from Costco and to stop by.
I lasted about 45 mins before I was in his office getting dry roasted peanuts and jelly belly jellybeans. Not diet, nor diabetic foods, last I checked. Not a huge amount at least. Certainly not as much as I could have eaten.
How much of the nation's obesity epidemic is directly attributable to Costco, Sam's or other warehouse type stores? They do sell some healthy snacky stuff in individual sized bags but how easy is it to grab another bag when you have 48? Reminds me of the day I bought some choc chip cookie 100-cal packs and ate all 6 packs before bed. (6x100=600 or 37.5% of my daily calories)
But then I had lunch out already scheduled, and went to Applebee's. They actually have a great Weight Watchers based menu, but oh no, I had to order the spinach shrimp salad with hot bacon dressing. I told them to go light on the dressing, but the salad was drenched. At least I left a great deal of the bacon at the bottom of the bowl. And I got my daily supply of popeye green.
However, my sugars have been fine today. This tells me, and correct me if I'm wrong, that my lantus and metformin are geared towards my eating poorly. We'll see how it goes as I improve my diet.
I have so much dieting info floating in my head again that I'm confused. Between South Beach, common sense, carb counting and Diabetic Exchanges, I am lost. I think I will just log in fitday everything I eat for a few days and watch how it goes. ONLY for a few days, otherwise this vague of an approach will get dropped. More planning of foods, less reading of plans. Logging every bite always helps anyway.
Feeling better now, not so drunk and foggy. Walked upstairs and I was puffing a bit at the top. Haven't done that much since I quit smoking 179 days ago. Maybe I am retaining water?
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Return Continued
So, when last we met, I was up to why none of these medical issues have struck me as very serious and why that has changed.
I don't guess I really have a point - there has been no "AH HA" moment, no light bulb appearing above my head. I have spent my life waiting for such times, and they never come for me, I am more of a cumulative effect kinda gal.
Monday is 10 years since my Mother died. She started having her serious health issues at about my age - that's a part of it. She never really took care of her diabetes or weight issues. Didn't deal with alcohol until it caused so much pain that a little wine would put her in the hospital. (Pancreatitis).
My Dad and Step-Mom were just in town for 2 weeks. Dad will be 75 in a couple months, and his health is not the best, mostly because he has never addressed his diabetes or other health issues. He's losing vision in his left eye due to diabetic complications. He thinks nothing of waking up with a bg of 200.
Don't misunderstand me, my parents were/are very good people. But I would like to learn from their mistakes.
My mother never did quit smoking til the last trip to the hospital. My Dad quit at 42. I quit at 43, but the past 2-3 years I have spent more time not smoking than smoking, and hopefully that counts for something.
Interesting sidebar here - of my Dad and his wife, all original 4 marriage partners smoked. Dad quit at 42, Step-Mom quit at 40-something. Their spouses did not quit and both died in their early 60's. Does that tell you anything?
Ok, back to the topic at hand, to wit - me.
I have an almost 3-yr old son and I can see the day fast approaching when I cannot keep up with him. I don't want to be a spectator parent - I want to be active. Would losing 60 lbs and controlling my diabetes help? DUH.
I have been here so many times before though. All fired up about changing my eating and exercise behavior, only to see the motivation peter out rather quickly. One think I hope this blog will do is help me keep my motivation and focus going.
I thought blogging at 3fatchicks.com would help, but that turned into more of a forum, chatting and trying to elicit comments more than honest expression of my efforts and mental state.
Such as, why am I craving cigs more today than I have in a few weeks? Those that have gone before me over at quitnet say that anniversaries trigger this kind of thing, and I am only a few days away from 6 months. I can't begin to express how much I HATE craving poison. Which logically should keep me from smoking, but in actuality, it wears me down if I am not ever vigilant. I have not had a single puff since early 1/7/06, but I have blown a couple dozen prior quits because I let the desire and cravings wear me down. If da kane - my hubby, had not quit with me this time, I doubt I would have made it this long.
A big reason I am dwelling on the health issues is that I just feel like crap. I'm tired, I can't get a lot of normal chores done, I don't feel well.
Honestly, another reason is that I have to have some personal project to focus on. I will read, research, create a zillion charts and plans for a "while", then it all starts to peter out. I hate this about myself. I can be so diligent about work, or being a friend, daughter, mother - but not taking care of myself.
Is this low self-esteem? Or is that just an excuse I have trotted out regularly for 20 years?
I don't guess I really have a point - there has been no "AH HA" moment, no light bulb appearing above my head. I have spent my life waiting for such times, and they never come for me, I am more of a cumulative effect kinda gal.
Monday is 10 years since my Mother died. She started having her serious health issues at about my age - that's a part of it. She never really took care of her diabetes or weight issues. Didn't deal with alcohol until it caused so much pain that a little wine would put her in the hospital. (Pancreatitis).
My Dad and Step-Mom were just in town for 2 weeks. Dad will be 75 in a couple months, and his health is not the best, mostly because he has never addressed his diabetes or other health issues. He's losing vision in his left eye due to diabetic complications. He thinks nothing of waking up with a bg of 200.
Don't misunderstand me, my parents were/are very good people. But I would like to learn from their mistakes.
My mother never did quit smoking til the last trip to the hospital. My Dad quit at 42. I quit at 43, but the past 2-3 years I have spent more time not smoking than smoking, and hopefully that counts for something.
Interesting sidebar here - of my Dad and his wife, all original 4 marriage partners smoked. Dad quit at 42, Step-Mom quit at 40-something. Their spouses did not quit and both died in their early 60's. Does that tell you anything?
Ok, back to the topic at hand, to wit - me.
I have an almost 3-yr old son and I can see the day fast approaching when I cannot keep up with him. I don't want to be a spectator parent - I want to be active. Would losing 60 lbs and controlling my diabetes help? DUH.
I have been here so many times before though. All fired up about changing my eating and exercise behavior, only to see the motivation peter out rather quickly. One think I hope this blog will do is help me keep my motivation and focus going.
I thought blogging at 3fatchicks.com would help, but that turned into more of a forum, chatting and trying to elicit comments more than honest expression of my efforts and mental state.
Such as, why am I craving cigs more today than I have in a few weeks? Those that have gone before me over at quitnet say that anniversaries trigger this kind of thing, and I am only a few days away from 6 months. I can't begin to express how much I HATE craving poison. Which logically should keep me from smoking, but in actuality, it wears me down if I am not ever vigilant. I have not had a single puff since early 1/7/06, but I have blown a couple dozen prior quits because I let the desire and cravings wear me down. If da kane - my hubby, had not quit with me this time, I doubt I would have made it this long.
A big reason I am dwelling on the health issues is that I just feel like crap. I'm tired, I can't get a lot of normal chores done, I don't feel well.
Honestly, another reason is that I have to have some personal project to focus on. I will read, research, create a zillion charts and plans for a "while", then it all starts to peter out. I hate this about myself. I can be so diligent about work, or being a friend, daughter, mother - but not taking care of myself.
Is this low self-esteem? Or is that just an excuse I have trotted out regularly for 20 years?
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