Dazed by the Blogosphere

As you can see by my growing links section, I have been stumbling about the blogosphere, turning up rare gems left and right. This would seem like a waste of time on par with the boob tube, but it certainly feels more productive.
I really must organize the links better. I'm trying to decide whether to organize by theme - i.e. (in)fertility, diabetes, quit smoking, or by type - i.e. websites or blogs. I think themes would be easier for you - the reader, but many blogs cross topics. Hmmmmm.
Feeling rather sickly all of a sudden. Going to go lie down.

Cranky, Irritable, not much fun

Yep, that's me today. I don't even have a good excuse. Not PMS, nor TOM, or high-low sugar.
It started last night when I got home and my toddler head-butted me AGAIN, this time right in the mouth, quickly causing a fat lip. I adore my little guy, but we have talked about this time and time and time again, he's been doing it for about 18 months. He just doesn't have that good of a sense of where his body resides in space yet. Or what throwing his head back can do when he is sitting on Mommy or Daddy's lap. But it can be aggravating.
Actually it started before that when I was driving home and it was taking FOREVER. My time is so over-booked that some days I really resent driving a couple hours a day. Even though my pay and benefits are good.
Then da kane ticked me off. Then I had forgotten I had a side-job to do on an antique computer system in California. I cannot believe this company is still running this 15 year old PC with 20 year old software for an important part of their business. I am just about the only person in the United States that can help them for a reasonable sum and for some strange reason I feel obligated to assist. It only took about 90 minutes but STILL.
Today I continue to feel all pi$$y. Ugly word, but it truly fits. I can't really say Cranky anymore, because it makes me think of the crane on the Island of Sodor. (Where Thomas the Tank Engine resides). Irritable sounds like a rash.
Speaking of rashes, I found a new blog to love - DoctorMama. Check it out.
Now I am just rambling. This blog is starting to irritate me too - I do not spend enough time on my posts - it is more like a diary than any kind of art. Other blogs are so much better crafted than mine.
Ok, now I can hardly stand myself. Time to put the ear buds in with some "Adult Alternative" music and try to focus on actually doing what I am paid to do!

Return to the Working World

Back to work today and it was BRUTAL.
The alarm going off at 4:45 - UGH.
I hit the snooze 3 times, therefore did not do a workout.
I thought I had kept up last week pretty well, but I was WRONG. Very busy, which made the day go faster.
I took the car in for an oil change at lunchtime. Put my tennies on to walk around the block while it was there (yay me!). Got to the end of the block and SWORE I smelled wacky tobaccy. It's been a lotta years, but this guy parked in his truck was glaring at me funny, so I walked back down the way I had come. At least it was 10 mins extra intentional exercise.
The drive home seemed to take forever, like the drive in. I guess I am so used to the 45 mins each way I had forgotten how LONG it takes.
I am exhausted and had forgotten about an outside job I promised to do tonight. It's done running now and it's 9 pm, and 4:45 comes awful early.

Attack of the Munching Redhead

My lord, eat, eat, eat, that's all I'm doing for this one week online class at home. NOTHING is safe! Not the animal crackers, nor the cheese sticks!
I have done a few work-outs at lunchtime, which has helped with the bg levels at least.
I feel fatter than ever. The funny thing is that I keep reading about weight loss and diabetes control and then just do whatever! ARGHHH.

Regrets, I've had a few

But not too few to mention.
There are only a couple of big regrets in my life. Even fewer that I am willing to discuss publicly.
My college experience. Although I discovered newspapers and started my first career at Slippery Rock; I thoroughly messed up the primary academic purpose of being there, and ended up dropping out. I could write a whole entry about it, but suffice it to say I have had more than a dozen opportunities to regret that.
My alcohol abuse. I wish I had somehow figured it out sooner, and perhaps I would have quit sooner and grown up spiritually and emotionally sooner. These 2 regrets are tied together in several ways, and launched their own smaller regrets throughout my life.
Starting motherhood so late. This is the one that I regret most of all, this is the one that I beat myself up over late at night. It appears that I started too late to have multiple biologic children as I have always wanted.
I ADORE my son. I really do. Even though I have this picture to blackmail him with later in life.
He has added dimensions to my life I never expected, as well as the ones I did expect.
I wanted so desperately to have at least 2 children.
I want James to be and have a sibling. My brothers are so important to me, and were such a big part of my life growing up, that I want that for James. I truly think your siblings are really the only people who totally get where you come from.
Our family feels a bit incomplete.
My body just wants another baby. I feel aches and yearnings when I see babies, which is each day that I pick James up at Kindercare.
I want the chance to do the infant thing again, hopefully better this time.
I want to take some of the pressure off James. The only child pressure, and the mommy-guilt-fear-hypochondriac pressure.
I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant before James, and I have had 3 since he was born, at 7, 7 and 8 weeks. This last disappointment really hurt.
I turned forty-four 10 days ago. I know that theoretically I am not too old to carry a baby - but I am 60 lbs overweight, I have hypothyroidism and Type 2 Diabetes. Getting in better health and shape is another regret - I just can't seem to do it.
I feel I must give up this 2nd baby dream, but it leaves me in tears each time I think it.