On Line On Life Off Insulin

Hallllooooooo Out There

2007-11-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still living.
My new blogging gig has outed me, so my semi-anonymous soap box here is not even partially anon anymore. This leaves me wondering what I can say here without offending anyone, or sharing more than I'd like, or using up good diabetes blog fodder I could use at dLife.
I do intend to work my way back here. Things are heating up with the holidays of course, but Maile is almost 5 months and we're getting into a routine with her, so life approaches a semblance of normalcy.
Belated Happy Thanksgiving to the 2 people who are still checking in on me! I will try to get to the meme this weekend!

Mid-week Moment

2007-08-15T21:27:00.000-06:00

Ahhhhh. 9:30 pm. My alarm went off at 5:45 am. My first chance to really breath, yet I'm still having to re-insert pacifier every 3-5 minutes.
(Funny, now that pacifiers are back "in" and proven to reduce SIDS risk, etc - Maile loves them. Kimo never much cared for them, which was good back in the day 4 years ago when pacifiers would ruin their teeth for life, etc, etc.)
Deep breath. No, I wasn't working terribly hard today, but I was still "on". I have been "on" since 6 am.
Yesterday and today I have been eating like the old me. Not good. I have lost almost 40 pounds since Maile's birthday. I don't want to put it back on. It's a stress thing, I'm sure.
I really need to take a few minutes several times a day to deep breath and feel joy and gratitude for this infant and my wonderful 3 year old and my crazy, busy life. Get centered again.
That's the project this week. For right now, I have 15 minutes to spend in mindless games before sleep, and I'm going to do so. Peace; out.

I'm Baaaccckk!

2007-08-14T21:09:00.000-06:00

Maile is 8 weeks old, I am back to work and no more excuses for not blogging!
We are all well. I am dropping weight quickly, nursing sure helps with that. Maile is gaining almost as fast as I am losing - well maybe more like 8/1 - I lose 8 and she gains 1!
I just started work up again yesterday, so we're all trying to adjust to the new routines. I will be working from home a lot the next month, so we're not totally on our new, 2-child routines yet. Da Kane is having some difficulty adjusting to having me home so much - he works from home already.
Kimo LOVES LOVES LOVES his baby sister. It is quite sweet and a relief. We've seen a little regression and acting out, but really very little. It's hard to believe he will be 4 in about 6 weeks.
I had a birthday this week - talk about hard to believe! Those birthdays ending in 0's or 5's are so much harder for some reason. This was a half-decade one - I'll let you guess the first digit.
Maile's most unforgettable trait right now - she eats her fill and pulls off with this milky half-smile, eyelids 90% closed, eyes rolling back in her head. It's most amazing and I hope to figure out how to film it without exposing myself too much!

Maile arrived; safe and sound

2007-06-25T13:15:00.000-06:00

Maile was delivered last Monday, 6/18 via an uneventful c-section. She was 7 lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches long. My tubes were clipped (they don't tie or cut them anymore, they use plastic clips - no growing back together) and we spent 4 days in the hosp enjoying some peace and quiet and *good* hospital food. Amazing, but they have a chef and a quite decent menu.
I talked the ansthesiaologist out of the big shot of opiates after delivery, so I have all my memories intact this time. It's still pretty vague as far as the hour or so after the surgery.
Maile had a fair amount of hair which is a reddish-brown and nice big yummy cheeks. She went from 50th percentile in weight at 7 months to 75th percentile at birth. I suspect my blood sugars are to blame; but she's healthy and so am I so I guess we survived the sorbet and candy bars.
I happily packed away my insulin syringes. I've actually run low a couple days since and I think it's probably breastfeeding along with not being as diligent about my meals as I could/should be. All in good time.
I've lost 19 lbs in the week since she was born. Although it's not "real" weight loss, it does the heart good to see those numbers dropping rapidly.
Maile closes one eye and curls her lip sometimes and we just wait for her to say "ARGHHH", so I have been calling her my Pirate Princess. Kimo is doing well with the transition so far.

38 Weeks, 2 days

2007-06-11T12:57:00.000-06:00

I have been negligent in posting again. I shall resort to bullets yet again.

I went out on medical leave 6/1.
This is good, because as of today, I am finally starting to feel a little better as far as the sinus/cold/respiratory infection goes. Remember these started in early APRIL.
This is bad, because it cuts into my yearly FMLA and I feel guilty.
Maile is just fine. After all my endless debating about a VBAC, I am scheduling a c-section for next week. I seriously doubt she will spontaneously appear before then. I just want to have a baby, meet her and get on with respiratory recovery!
Maile will be "substantially larger" than Kimo was. Kimo was only 5 lbs, 3 oz. I smoked with Kimo (no flaming please, at least I finally quit Jan 2006), so this is no surprise to me. My ob/gyn says he doesn't believe smoking was why Kimo was so small -- my ob/gyn smokes. Do you see a "Da Nile" connection there? I sure do.
I am massively uncomfortable. When I arise from sitting or lying down, I walk like John Wayne for at least a few steps while Maile figures out she can't break out with my cervix shut like this.
My chest gets tight like my old anxiety attacks almost daily. Fun Fun.
I am still 0 cm dilated, but 60% effaced and my cervix is "soft". These are no indication of when labor might start.
The guest room still isn't finished. The laundry and assorted other tasks are still behind. I don't care one minute, then feel horribly guilty the next.
My sugars are all over the place. I'm trying to stay on top of it, but it is so hard for me to maintain any kind of "diet" when I am home with basically no schedule.
Haagen-Daz Raspberry Sorbet is TO.DIE.FOR. If I ever entertained, it would be so good with some fresh raspberries with it. It is hell on blood sugar - 26 grams sugar per 1/4 cup, but what a taste treat!!

35 weeks 3 days

2007-05-22T08:28:00.000-06:00

Still feeling pretty yucky. That would be the medical term. Ob/Gyn Doc's latest guess is Asthmatic Bronchitis. But since he doesn't even listen to my heart, much less my lungs, I think he is just guessing. I may need to see my Primary Care doc.
I am concerned that some of this is prepartum depression. I have a long history of mild depression. I can feel it, but have been off my anti-depressants this whole pregnancy. When I had Kimo they were deemed pretty safe, so I was on them about 1/2 the time. This time around they have some mildly disturbing studies, so I haven't taken them at all.
My reading tells me that prepartum depression increases the risk of postpartum depression, so this is something I will bring up at my appointment Friday.
I am very irritable and on-edge. My husband is getting the brunt of it, but even working from home, I am taking a lot out on my co-workers and boss. I can hardly stand myself.
I vacillate about 10 times a day about taking short term disability. This indecisiveness is making me batty too! I also can't decide what to do with the early c-section suggestion.
I have absolutely no energy for housework or baby prep. I really must get going on washing baby clothes and fixing window treatments in the kids' room and keeping the mess to a minimum. Much less several other projects I would like to do.
Sorry for another incoherent, non-cohesive ramble. Someday I will write a real blog post with a theme, and intro, and a conclusion!

Quick Update

2007-05-17T10:54:00.000-06:00

Still out on sick/vacation leave. I don't seem to be getting any better.
Da Kane means "the man" in Hawaiian. Kimo and Maile are common Hawaiian names - so all my pseudonyms are HI in origin.
I lived in HI for 5 years in the '90s and da Kane and I got married there. My favorite place in the world is the Big Island of Hawaii. Perhaps some day I will live there again.
Ob/Gyn appt tomorrow. We will do an NST on Maile and discuss what the heck to do about my cold/congestion/strep - whatever the heck it is.
Maile seems as active as ever. She just likes kicking my butt I guess.
Da Kane and Kimo seem to be recovering from their Strep bouts just fine. Lucky guys.
I got a new rocker/glider/recliner for mother's day for the kids' room. I'm SO EXCITED! The first year of Kimo's life I walked around with a sore neck most days from dozing off with him in the middle of the night. Now I won't have that particular problem!

3 down, 1 without symptoms

2007-05-11T16:34:00.000-06:00

Perhaps we've found the answer to my illness mystery. Kimo has strep also. Not a single symptom - no fever, no cold, no sore throat. A small patch of rash on his upper chest. I wouldn't have ever suspected Strep if Da Kane's test hadn't come back positive.
Kimo's last cold was 3-4 weeks ago. Talking to his daycare today, one of his little friends (L) was diagnosed with strep 5 or 6 weeks ago after his brother came down with it. L never had a symptom. Daycare says they put a sign up. Well, they put a sign on the front door - "we have one confirmed case of strep". Of course, I took note of it, but come on - how about telling me that a child he spends 11 hours a day with has strep and no symptoms - that would have made more of an impression.
Anyway, all 3 of us are on antibiotics. I suspect I have just kept getting re-infected this past 6 weeks. Maybe there's hope yet that I will improve. But if Kimo goes back to school Monday and just gets re-infected because another kid in his class has symptom-less strep, I am going to be ANGRY. Untreated strep can cause rheumatic fever/scarlet fever, problems with the feteus I'm carrying.
Da Kane is in Las Vegas. I am single-momming it for the mother's day weekend, with both of us not feeling well. I went ahead and took a week off to try and get better. I'm sick of taking 2-3 days off each week and still not improving. My doc is willing to put me on disability, but I really hope that's not necessary.

Freaked Out

2007-05-10T11:03:00.000-06:00

Da Kane just called, he wouldn't go to the clinic yesterday, but went today and sure enough, he has Strep. My rapid test 2 weeks ago was negative, but now I wonder if this is why I can't get well. Untreated Strep can cause all kinds of problems for me and baby. I am so worried! Plus, Kimo has some red spots on his neck, near his chest so I am worried about Scarlet Fever with him. He has run a small temp a few times, but really hasn't seemed too sick since the original cold we all got 5 or 6 weeks ago.
Come to think of it, Kimo has been whinier and clingier than usual and has started having "accidents" much more frequently.
I have a call into his ped's office and I go back to my ob/gyn this afternoon. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of this and none of us will have lasting effects. Da Kane is still flying out tonight - boy bet that hurts with the fluid build up behind his ear drums.

Unbelievable

2007-05-08T14:55:00.000-06:00

I can hardly believe it but I have another cold. It started on Friday and I hoped for a day that it was just the last legs of the last cold. But no, a completely different set of symptoms. This makes 3 colds in a row, in less than a month.
I've done 2 rounds of antibiotics this month, so I think my immune system has been shot to hell. I started a pro-biotic today to try and bring things back into alignment. I also got some echinacea for my immunity. For the first time ever, my favorite health food store would not make any recommendations. They don't deal with too many women who are 8 months pregnant. I am too sick and tired to do all the research, so I'll stick with the probiotic and the echinacea for now.
Trying to remember what else to do to bolster immunity and it's pretty funny. Eat right (I have little or no appetite), sleep plenty (sure, like that's going to happen), exercise moderately (sure, like that's going to happen). Keep my sugars in control (yeah, right while drinking juice and eating cough drops and syrups).
I have started this superstitious thinking that this tough 3rd trimester does not bode well for the baby. The pregnancy with Kimo was so easy, and he was such an easy baby. This pregnancy has been so tough, I really hope Maile is not a cranky, colic-y baby.
I took another day off today to try and rest. I am burning through my sick leave like crazy. My desk is not unpacked at the new place. My attitude the few hours I was there yesterday wasn't good. I hope that my co-workers can understand that it's the pregnancy and the constant illness and not that my attitude just sucks. I'm not real thrilled about the new building, but so what, at least we're all in one building now and the digs are newer. I am going on maternity and then my job probably only lasts another 6 months after that, so I should just turn my attitude around.
Tonight is childbirth class. I might go alone. Da Kane is really sick (man-cold) so I don't think he should go spread his germs.
The house is pretty wrecked, which is a little embarassing with the babysitter. I am going to go take a hot shower and try to clean the kitchen at least.
Pray, chant, or send white light (or however you send good thoughts) for me. I honestly don't think I can stand another 6 weeks of this.

Back in Action - who else is out there?

2007-05-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

Forgive my break in posting. I was feeling un-read until 1of3wishes posted yesterday. Somedays I look at my blog and see a couple weeks with no comments and lose the urge to post. I don't really post just for readers - but it's obviously a big part of the blog-lure. (So, please de-lurk and leave me a comment!)
I am about 92% recovered from the cold/cough from hell. I still have a pulled muscle in my left side from coughing so hard and so uncontrollably. I lost a tremendous amount of sleep and actually took 3 days of sick leave last week. I cannot tell you the last time I took 3 days off in one week for my own illness. My immune system is just shot. I am taking precautions to try and not catch too much else from Kimo and the germ factory (daycare) over the next 7 or 8 weeks.
Da Kane and I attended our first Lamaze class this week. Which means Kimo had a babysitter - his first in over a year. He did great, we did great, but the sitter had trouble finding us so we were about 15 minutes late. I'm sure I am the oldest Mom in the class, but I don't think it was immediately apparent to everyone. The biggest divide was already having a child, while the rest of the class were first-timers. I didn't get an immediate warm fuzzy about the instructor, but she's ok. Only 3 more classes.
I swing like a metronome on triple-time from being sure I can do a natural/vaginal childbirth (with drugs) to wanting to sign up for another c-section. I know it's just plain old fear. I am almost dizzy from it. This is one reason a doula may be helpful in my situation. I know that this is my last chance to experience birth, and I know in my heart that if billions of women have done this for thousands of years, that I can too, but I'm afraid given the smallest obstacle, I will cave quickly and neither da Kane nor da Doctor will help me remember my goal.
Having Maile home safe and sound is the main objective, but I want to give birth to her, not have her extracted from me surgically. I want her to decide when she is ready to be born - not my doctor's son's soccer league.
It is amazing to me that we (humans) still do not know what starts labor exactly. Perhaps some of my medical blog buddies can correct that, but that's what the lamaze instructor said and my doctor seconded. We know it's probably the hormone oxytocin (not oxycontin, the rush's drug of choice), but we don't know why those levels suddenly surge.
My diet has not improved much, except for not having an appetite for a week. I lost 3 lbs. I am very glad I asked for the Humulin pen, that way I can respond to the handful of swedish fish or the pizza lunch rapidly.
The big work move is this weekend and I will be very glad to have that behind us. Then the following weekend da Kane has to go on business for 4 full days, leaving me single-parenting. After that I should be able to spend the last month nesting.
I also have several projects to get done on the kids room, so we can move Kimo in there at least a month before Maile comes home. I think that is best, even though she'll be in our room for 2-3 months, it would be good to get him settled for a while before we uproot his life.
Kimo is very cute talking about "my baby" in his belly. No matter how often his father and I tell him that only ladies can have babies, he is insistent. This weekend he said that he has TWO babies in his belly, so we will have 3 at home this summer. He also asked me to put my hand on his tummy and announced "did you feel my baby kick?". It is beyond adorable.
As with most mothers the 2nd time around (or so I have read), I have moments of worry that I will not be able to love Maile as much as I do Kimo. I try to trust that the more love you feel, experience, express then the more that is available to you.
OB/GYN UPDATE - I had my weekly NST today and baby was doing great. The 8 month growth check ultrasound is Monday. We are taking Kimo, which should be interesting!

And I thought AMA was bad!

2007-04-24T02:42:00.000-06:00

A few posts ago I talked about how my diagnosis of "Advanced Maternal Age" was a bit degrading. Well.
I finally got the lab bill for the amnio in January and out of curiosity, I looked up the ICD-9 codes. Those are the International Classification of Diseases, commonly used by insurance companies. Mine were:

Elderly multigravida (woman pregnant for at least the third time)
Habitual aborter
Antepartum Diabetes mellitus

Boy, that brings to mind an ugly visual, doesn't it? Like a decrepit old woman huddled in a dark, dirty back alley somewhere.

I am sure I will get flamed by lazy googler's - Habitual aborter is "a rather insensitive term for a woman who has repeated miscarriages."
In that line-up - Diabetes is my FAVORITE diagnosis!

In other news:
My persistent non-productive cough has morphed into a painfully major sore throat. On Friday I was negative for strep, but today it is so much worse, I may get re-tested, just because strep can be so dangerous for baby. I got some ~~narcotic~~ ~~decent~~ prescription cough syrup yesterday after trying to work most of the day. I am now committed to rest and lots of fluids until I get better. Maile has been much less active which ~~alarms~~ me.
I am up at 3:00 am due to this condition. Apparently swallowing becomes so painful as the meds wear off, that it wakes me up.
My sugars are fluctuating wildly - not only due to the illness and meds, I suspect, but because the only appealing foods are carbs - of course. I am so thankful I got the humalog pen last endo visit, at least I can bring them back into line quickly.
My HbA1C came back at 5.6 - a slight increase from my 5.5 the last couple of months.

Into the 8th Month!

2007-04-22T07:55:00.000-06:00

See my ticker above? I have moved into the 2nd to the last month - yes, I am in my 8th month of pregnancy! It still seems I have so far to go, but it really is moving right along, less than 9 weeks -- at least until my due date! Only 5% of babies are born on their due dates, so it should be called a guess date.
Today is the tour of the birth center, then next week childbirth classes begin. I suppose I'd better get the kids' room finished off so that Kimo can move in and be settled before we uproot his life.
Darned cold still hanging on with this very annoying cough. Oh Well.

Sick Day

2007-04-19T10:13:00.000-06:00

Yet another cold - my 2nd in a month. I didn't sleep much last night, so called in sick about 5:30 am, fasting sugar was 86 and went back to bed for 4 hours. Then I got up and my sugar was 87. I am never quite sure how to handle sick days. The hand-out from my doc's office is little to no help, so I try to eat well or some for the baby, take my metformin, because I think consistency with that prescription is key; and wing it for the rest.
For example, I decided with an 87 and no metformin in me, I could do the met and skip the insulin. We will see how that plays out. I managed to get some sprouted wheat toast in me and a banana, but I'm way short on protein. The kitchen is a disaster, so eggs are unlikely and the thought of peanut butter on my toast made me want to hurl. The protein from a diabetes perspective is to slow down the carbs, but my sprouted wheat bread already has 5 grams of protein and 2 grams of fiber for it's measly 15 grams of carbs per slice. The protein is also important for the baby, but nobody gives you numbers on that. This is just really boring rambling.
I admit to be surprised that there wasn't even a single comment on my last post. Here I am baring my soul about fertility and nobody's reading me anyway! Good pinprick to the ego.
I talked to the Lactation consultant and the Thomas W Hale book, Medications and Mothers' Milk - generally the bible for meds and breastfeeding - gives metformin an L1 ranking. Meaning it's about as safe as tylenol! Too bad the PA didn't just tell me that. Funny, it's a $30 book, but neither my ob/gyn, perinatologist nor endocrinologist have a copy for reference. No wonder the US breast-feeding rate is so low.
I don't want to go off on a rant on that topic! I certainly support a mother's choice to feed her baby however she decides, but c'mon - we have these appendages on our chests for a reason - and that reason is not to inflate them to a Double-E cup for the amusement of males of the species.
Back to bed for me, with lots of fluids and maybe a sudafed to see if I can lose awareness of my sinus cavities!

Advanced Maternal Age

2007-04-13T09:28:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking about this label a lot lately. It is the first diagnosis on all my perinatologist's reports - ahead of Type 2 Diabetes, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Hypo-thyroid - obesity doesn't even make the list although I know it is yet another factor for my high-risk assessment.
I will be 62 when this baby graduates from high school. My Mother died at 62. She died of lung cancer after 40+ years of smoking. I quit after 27 years - was it soon enough?
How can I continue my slapdash approach to my health (mainly weight and exercise)? Am I crazy or just selfish?
Who came up with such a derogatory sounding diagnosis? And why would it start at 35? Most women can conceive well past their 40th birthday and the risks increase at the same gradual pace from age 25 onward.
I saw my OB yesterday and told him I definitely want the tubal ligation while in the hospital for this baby's birth. I think that's what triggered this introspection. It is hard to make that decision to end your fertility, but it makes so much sense for me. As much as I would have theoretically liked a 3rd biologic child, the reality is that I will be 45 in August. I am most likely capable of having one more - but at what cost? I had 3 miscarriages before this pregnancy and 1 before Kimo. Would that mean 9 more miscarriages to have another child? My psyche cannot comprehend that much pain. They (my medical team) have me running between Perinatologist, Ob/Gyn and Endocrinologist NOW - I can't imagine keeping that up for another 3 years either. Hell, if it took 3 years again to conceive a viable pregnancy - I would be 48 at delivery! HELL NO, I won't go!
However, it is still a very final decision. Fertility has been part of me for some 30 years now. Most of that time it was an inconvenience and something to outwit, not celebrate. But it was an integral part of my womanhood. I distinctly remember being told the (only) benefit of menstruation was that I was capable of having babies.
Trying to turn that around in my head, I can see a certain freedom in no longer having to consider pregnancy. No diaphragms, no fertility charts, no trying to weigh the pros/cons of the pill, no buying pregnancy tests at 6 am on the way to work and no more dashed hopes by the negative results. No more dashed hopes by miscarriages. No more excruciatingly painful 1st trimesters (aka weeks) while I wait with breath held to see if I will miscarry or not.

In other news -
I return to my ob in 2 weeks for my first NST (Non Stress Test) - this is a fetal monitor they hook up to watch heartbeat, movement, etc for 10-20 minutes, or even longer depending on what baby is or is not doing. I will then have an NST every week until delivery. I must be getting closer.

Endocrinologist on Monday - I just HATE that I won't have results from the bloodwork until Friday. I really must ask why they are still in the dark ages and sending me info via snail mail. They have the results late Monday, mail out a form letter to me when they get around to it - Tuesday most likely and apparently the only outgoing mail is in the am - so it's not in the mail til Wed. My home is 60 miles away, so at least 2 days for delivery - voila! Friday. I don't get the mail until I get home from work, so god forbid if I have a question, it must wait until Monday when I can catch their office open. They only answer the phone from 8:30 - 11:30 and 1:30 -4:00 Mon- Thurs and only half a day on Friday. I would freak if I was expected to accept this type of service from Amazon.com or just about anyone but a medical professional!

Day Off today - I took a vacation day today. Full weeks are exhausting and I have some time saved up. I've actually been taking a day every other week now - if you count Good Friday, or the politically correct version - Spring Break day. We are having a bad snow storm - almost a blizzard according the news. A blizzard in mid-April. This and the piss-poor soil here are the 2 things that may drive me from Colorado. I really must get started on my to-do list!

This Month's Ultrasound

2007-04-11T08:09:00.000-06:00

Amazing, isn't it? I am stunned by how much Maile resembles Kimo. Head shape, face shape, nose and chin. I have a pic of Kimo at about 1 hour old and it's really uncanny. I realize they are full siblings, but still!
Maile weighs about 3 lbs now, and measures right on for my dates. Everything looks good except perhaps a little excess amniotic fluid. This is a common occurance for diabetics who's sugar is uncontrolled, which really isnt me. My next A1C is Monday and I expect it to remain within a point or two of 5.5, where it's been since conception. The doc didn't ask me to come back early, so I know it's not anything to fret about. Of course I came home and looked it up all over the internet and scared myself ~ but then realized he did say I didn't actually have the diagnosis.
I am mightily uncomfortable. I hate to complain because I am so grateful to be pregnant and this far along.
We are doing childbirth classes the month of May, 4 weeknights, I have arranged childcare and all. We tour the birth center later this month. We have decided against a doula for the time being, subject to reconsideration after lamaze class when we know better what we're facing.
I am excited this is all moving along, but also overwhelmed by the stuff left to do. Homelife is not the greatest. Worklife is not the greatest. I wish the person I was training to fill in for me would bother to take notes or act the least bit interested. Said person has absolutely no background in my job, and seems to think he can just call me every day. We are moving to a new building May 5th, and that is quite a project also.
The more blogs I read, the more I dislike my own, but perhaps after birth I will decide to get serious or give it up or turn it into Maile's development diary. We shall see.
My sugars have been "ok". I had a bowl of cocoa puffs at 2 am this morning and that was a HUGE mistake. I not only had heartburn for an hour and couldn't get back to sleep; my fasting sugar was 96. Now I don't want to send my sugars in because they will want me to up my dinnertime NPH dose again and that's not really the issue!
OB/Gyn appt tomorrow, Endo appt on Monday, then a break for a couple weeks again. I'm on every 2 weeks for OB, every 4 weeks for perinatologist and ultrasounds, every 6 weeks for endo. Since I only have about 10 weeks left, that's not so bad!

Diabetes Slump

2007-04-01T21:09:00.000-06:00

I'm just in that place where I don't really care, I just want to eat what I want to eat. I already can't drink, have cut my caffiene drastically, get heartburn from nearly everything I do eat (how the hell do you get heartburn from a damned donut?), and am pretty uncomfortable. I have another 12 weeks to go. I don't really want to have a string cheese and an apple for a snack, I want a Payday bar. I don't want peanut butter and honey on sprouted wheat bread for breakfast - I want a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant. How about some jellybeans?
This is awful because I *should* be oh-so-motivated because of the baby. That's why it's taken me 2 weeks just to own up to it enough to write this post.
I'm up to 18 U NPH at dinner and 10 U at breakfast to try and stay in range. My A1C is going to blow this month, I'm sure of it.
I guess the way to get back on board is to start journalling my food and meal/snack planning every day in advance. *sigh*

Pre-schooler Cuteness

2007-03-29T13:23:00.000-06:00

Kimo has been talking to Maile via my belly button on most nights. Particularly since he saw the 3-d photo of her. Last night he whispered "Hello little sister, I have got some mail for you" and jammed his finger into my belly button. It was SO CUTE.
Yesterday, I picked him up from daycare/preschool/whathaveyou - we call it "school". He put his jacket on and a little girl came over and said "Bye Bye Kimo" and held her arms out for a hug. He hugged her back gently and I would have given $1000 to have my camera on me at that moment. We turned to leave and another little girl came running over for a full-body hug and sloppy cheek kiss. It wasn't as cute, it was too obviously inspired by jealousy, but it was cute nonetheless. He is a little ladies' man. When he was a baby, I noticed that he responded more to women than men, and the trend continues.
My favorite lately is the way he will laugh with me, then get serious and say "Mommy, you are my best buddy".
Awwwwwwwwww.
And you are mine, too, Kimo.

Visual DNA

2007-03-27T10:45:00.000-06:00

This is pretty cool. It's interesting to see the finished product that is you.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Breaking News!

2007-03-26T20:48:00.000-06:00

I'm psychic!
Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental drug overdose!!!
I announced this the day her tragic demise hit the news!
Now I shall train my enormous powers on the DNA test.

3rd Trimester!

2007-03-24T08:42:00.000-06:00

Wow, I have started the 3rd trimester, 7th month. Hard to believe. I still worry far too much. Poor baby's cortisol level is going to be much elevated above what it should be.
First Kimo started with the cold symptoms on Thursday, then da Kane on Friday, now me today. Great, another weekend with a houseful of sickies. Da Kane has a MAN-COLD, of course, so he is oh-so-much sicker than anybody else. :-)
Sugars have been going up again. Currently on 18 U of NPH at dinner, and 8 U at breakfast, along with the 2000 mg of Metformin daily. This is normal and good, I keep telling myself - it means the placenta is doing a good job. 28 weeks is when they generally test for gestational diabetes because the insulin resistance produced by the placenta is reaching it's peak.
Need to talk to a couple more doulas and then decide. Da Kane wants to talk to my final choice, but I do think we will be having a labor doula.
Having issues with palpitations, blood pressure and rapid weight gain this week, but ob/gyn assures me it's not toxemia. BP at wal-mart yesterday was 110/65 - much more normal for me. Dropped 2 lbs this morning, so the gain must have been a lot of water.
Hey, it's snowing outside! Gotta love Colorado!

Can we talk?

2007-03-21T18:04:00.000-06:00

Da Kane is out at the store with Kimo! I.AM.ALONE.IN.MY.HOME.
WOW. It's even been 90 minutes. This is sooooo coooooool. I think it should be mandatory that I get several of these evenings a month!
I must run go do stuff without a 3 year old's help! And blast my music! Yippee!
PS. Current physical conditions I would complain about if I weren't so grateful to be 6 months pregnant:

Enough gas to light up Denver daily
Constipation that colace cannot touch
Heartburn that worsens every day and laughs at extra strength tums, gaviscon and/or milk/bananas/etc.
Heartburn that becomes little mini throw-ups in my mouth in the middle of the night and wake me up most alarmingly
Newest of the bunch - pounding and palpitating heart. BP was 130/84 and doc wasn't worried - I rarely go over 110/68, so this was shocking to me
Dizziness
Moods that cause me to lie awake for 45 mins before tromping downstairs to attack my innocent husband over the most minor of infractions.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

2007-03-16T05:32:00.000-06:00

99 days til my due date! We're in the double digits!
For some reason this pic didn't scan as good as it looks IRL (In Real Life), but you can definitely see little Maile, her hands in front of her face, and a foot there too!
All is relatively well. Interviewed a Doula yesterday and I think I really would like one, just need to convince Da Kane of the reasons for the cost and perhaps talk to a couple more.
In a typical low self-esteem reaction; the Doula recommended that I definitely talk to a couple more before making my decision and I decided that meant she didn't like me and didn't really want to work with me but didn't want to turn down the $ and say no. ARGHHH. I hate the way my mind leaps to negative conclusions as a first impulse!
The dictionary defines Doula as "a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, and emotional support to a mother before, during, and just after childbirth". Since I have no family left that I would want to labor with me, or who are even close enough to consider it; and because I want to avoid another c-section, I think this would be a good thing for me. Da Kane will be there for me, for sure, but I don't think many man are as good at emotional support as women. Then my frugal side kicks in and says it would be a waste of money, and it ain't cheap.

Ultrasound & Lucky Charms

2007-03-14T10:42:00.000-06:00

I had my monthly ultrasound on Monday. Maile is measuring right on for dates, and all looks fine. Because of the diabetes, I will get monthly ultrasounds to make sure baby isn't getting too big. It is quite a relief. And so COOL to watch. They flipped the machine onto 3-d and I have some great pics, if I can get around to scanning and cropping them, I will post one.
Interesting that in this day and age of identity theft, my social security number is on every single one of the u/s prints.
Blood sugars have been fine, but diet is a bit off. I succumbed to the St Patrick's Day marketing and got a big box of Lucky Charms - they're Magically Delicious - don't cha know! Definitely not on the diabetes diet, or the pregnancy diet, but oh so yummy. I don't think I've had any in 2 or 3 years. What's truly amazing is that they don't do a number on my sugar levels any more than Cheerios or Oatmeal. Strange.

Oh, W(h)ine!

2007-03-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

I really don't mean to whine, I am THRILLED to pieces over being 25 weeks pregnant. I was beginning to believe that I'd never get this far again.
But I doubt and dread and worry a lot too. This morning my fasting level was 76! My target is <90 and usually is 85ish. My first thought was that the placenta and it's insulin resistant hormones were crapping out and thus my 16U of NPH last night went much further than I thought. Upon further reflection, I was VERY active yesterday compared to normal and I ate a light dinner, didn't snack after dinner and it was 2 hours later than I normally get up.
Of course, if the placenta should start crapping out at this point, it would be pretty harsh for little Maile.
If I go more than 2 hours without feeling baby movements, I go off on a similar catastrophic thinking thread. Same thing with every oddball ache and pain, of which there are many.
I'm also feeling very unhappy with myself as a person of late. I procrastinate way, way, way too much. I have it elevated to an artform of sorts, an unattractive, smelly artform.
I am also lazy, slothful and full of more than my share of gluttony.
I am feeling very "less than" at work, which causes me to want to point the finger at everyone else, another very unattractive trait.
I took a holiday Friday just to try and get caught up with laundry and housework, so of course, I end up doing less than usual today, so I will be no further ahead than normal.
I have to work tomorrow, something I have been putting off for nearly 6 months, and I am resentful of it. I am REALLY resentful of the comments coming from the paid support people who bring up the length of time this issue has been sitting out there. A) the systems are still functioning just fine and B) WE pay YOUR company thousands of dollars a month, do you really need to get snide with the client?
I stopped by the wine store and got some red Zinfandel, my doc has ok'd a glass now and again, so I am having one tonight. Unfortunately, I once had a good red Zin that I enjoyed, so I keep chasing that dream, but this one is much too dry for my tastes. I should have just gotten a blush, I suspect this will end up being an eleven dollar glass of wine cause I won't keep the rest of the bottle for another time.
And WHAT is UP with the plastic corks? Why can't they make one that will go back into the bottle?

Another 5.5 HbA1C

2007-03-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

My A1C is holding steady at 5.5. Pretty good considering my valentine day binges were 2-4 weeks before the test. (Damn Necco Conversation Hearts)
I have started a 2nd shot of NPH in the morning to keep down my pre-dinner levels. Now that the Girl Scout Thin Mints are gone, maybe my next A1C will be lower. I'd love to see a 5.2. I return to the endo office in 6 more weeks. He said they wanted to see me every 4 weeks, but the PA said 6-8 weeks would be fine as long as I send in my sugars. I have heard from other patients here that they never see the doctor, but this is the first time in the 18 months I've been seeing him that I *haven't* seen him. We'll see how it goes. The PA had a baby 4 months ago, so we at least relate on that level.
My thyroid (TSH) came down a bit to 2.298. Seems to be a bit of controversy, my ob/gyn would like it close to 1.0, the endo said under 2 would be good, but the PA I saw this time said 2.298 is fine for pregnancy. I do find it interesting that I have all these hairs growing in at the hairline (and I assume all over my head). I'm not sure if they are due to pregnancy hormones or treating the thyroid. Perhaps in a year I will hear the hairdresser say once again "Wow, your hair is so thick, there's just so much of it". But I doubt it, since you usually lose a lot of hair 2-3 months post-partum.
I have been confronted with my "excuse calendar". First it's "Well, it's the holidays", then it's "Well, it's Valentine's Day", then it's "Well, you can only get Thin Mints this time of year". (leaving out cupcakes for my brothers in NM birthdays and Mardi Gras) Next of course is Easter. Where does it end? With me, of course. I have to remember I'm having a little girl and I DO NOT want to teach her my current/past relationship with food!
I feel very positive about the changes I have made in my health-life since Kimo was born. 14 months off cigarettes as of today. My diet is much better, with not-so-seldom binges here and there. Overall though, I'm probably eating 4x more veggies than I was. I probably haven't had 24 cocktails total in 3 years.
I am almost done with the 2nd trimester. I kind of dread what the next few months may bring. I LOVED being pregnant with Kimo, but this time, although I enjoy feeling movement, I am so much more uncomfortable at only 24 weeks. It is all worth it, I know that!

I have been in hiding

2007-02-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

Great - the "save as draft" feature on blogger deletes your text. But it saves your title! Just wonderful.

I think I was saying that the blues give me writer's block. Yes, I seem to have some prenatal depression stirring. I can feel it, almost physically. Kinda blah, my first take on everything is negative and obsessive, as opposed to my old positive and obsessive but fighting it. I don't want to get up in the morning or from my occasional weekend nap. I REALLY don't want to go to work and let every little thing there drive me batsh!t.
With Kimo I took Zoloft the 2nd half of the pregnancy because this happened. It was all fine then, my ob/gyn had even given it to his wife during gestation. Now of course, they have come out with a study that it's bad for the baby, particularly in the 3rd trimester. I start the 3rd tri in about 3 weeks. So, I'm left debating my options. Lemon Balm has been suggested. Exercise has helped in the past, which is the ultimate catch-22 - the only relief for not wanting to get out of bed is getting out of bed earlier.

I am feeling the baby move regularly now. She sleeps for long stretches sometimes during the day, which always freaks me out, so I am keeping the rented doppler for now. Funny, she gave me a good, solid kick while I wrote that. I hearby dub her "Maile" in keeping with the Hawaiian theme of my pseudonyms. I love the feeling of a baby moving inside me, it is so bizarre, yet sweet and your own little secret. Until we get to this point of course:

I catch myself thinking the worst still, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to trust that Maile will be here in June.

I had my yearly review at work yesterday - no bad news, no good. It's very hard to adjust to thinking of another 18 months there when I thought we were down to 10 months to go. I have known I was headed for a lay-off in this position since 2003, this is getting harder and harder. They have gotten rid of about 100 out of 225 associates at our location in the past year - it is demoralizing.
I am not planning menus on the weekend like I was for a while. This makes it extremely hard to eat according to plan and keep my sugars in range. I woke up hungry at 2 am last night and tested at 84, so I had a cup of warm milk thinking the dinnertime NPH would still be kicking in, I woke up at 6:30 at 90.
CRIPES, I just realized I did not take my 4u of NPH this morning that I just started yesterday. Telecommute day is hell on my medications and schedule. Then again, I am working in my robe at 11:20 am, so it DEFINITELY ROCKS for most of life.
I am just rambling now. I will close and look for a better afternoon. Maybe a shower, toothbrushing and clothes would improve my outlook.

Lovely Organs, m'dear

2007-02-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

The Level 2 ultrasound went swimmingly. All organs present and accounted for. They zoomed into the heart and we could even see the valves opening and closing. Weight and length were good, amniotic fluid level was good. Phew!
Specialist (perinatologist) thinks there's no reason I can't try for a VBAC. HOWEVER, he does not like to see Type 2 diabetics go past 1 week before their due date. That's when I had the c-sec with Kimo, so I wonder what the chances are that I will go into labor before then. My mother was premature once and late twice with her pregnancies.
Doc was pleased with my A1C of 5.5%. He explained that high sugar levels cause the placenta to age more quickly, so that gave me another reason to stay on top of sugar levels.
I have a ZILLION reasons to keep my sugar levels low and exercise and eat right and that never seems to be enough for me. I wonder when I will find the magic answer.
I wanted a moment of clarity about quitting smoking for 5 years and when I was finally successful (13 months so far) there was no magic answer, no epiphany, no burning bush, I just did what I had to do to not put a cig in my mouth each day until it started getting easier.
Does this mean I should just journal every bite I eat and exercise for 20 mins a day no matter what until it starts getting easier? I think it does, but how do I start?
I need a cute blog name for my son - any ideas?

Amazingly close

2007-02-14T10:07:00.001-07:00

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Thursday with nothing really up

2007-02-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

I started a post on the fear I feel about this baby. Didn't finish it because it's so DONE. Everyone who reads this blog must know how afraid I am that this baby won't get here safely. I think it winds me up more to talk about it.
I started a post with my letter to my pancreas, which is a topic making the rounds of the D-OC these days. It was boring. (My post, not the others I have read).
So here I am, just wanting to post something this week, but really no subjects I feel inspired to type on about.
I am tired, bored with work, constantly dealing with heartburn. Sick of the gerbil wheel I run from Monday through Sunday.
Took my little guy to the doc last night for the endless cold that will not leave and now includes a croupy sounding cough. His lungs were clear, no fever, no ear infection, no nothing but gobs of thick green snot. The PA thinks maybe a sinus infection and gave us a round of amoxicclyn (spelled wrong, I know, too lazy to look it up) and some codeine cough syrup (that actually works!). Normally, I wouldn't really want him on an antibiotic for such a vague diagnosis, but he's been sick (with one cold after another) since mid-December and he hasn't had an antibiotic in over a year, so I think it's safe to try.
Monday is our 5 year anniversary. I still say the mortgage signing was scarier. We had a beautiful wedding in Hawaii, but the mortgage signing the next year made the "til death do us part" all so much more real.
Next Wednesday is my level 2 ultrasound as well as Valentine's day and a V-day party at the little guy's daycare. They posted a letter asking that we bring in vegetables that start with a "V". (Or pre-processed snacks that must be in their original container with label so they can easily read the dozens of additives) HUH? Exactly which vegetables start with a "v". Vucchini? Vadishes? Varrots? Come ON, people!
They also had a permission slip for my son to make valentine's day cards which will then be sold for FIVE DOLLARS a piece to benefit the March of Dimes. I don't pay FIVE DOLLARS for Da Kane's v-day card. My son cannot draw anything representative. Why wouldn't they have the 3 year olds making Valentine's day cards for their parents? The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way ENTIRELY.
The March of Dimes has only a 1 star rating from CharityNavigator.com. Their president makes $467,544 a YEAR! Only 75% of your donation actually goes towards their programs. They are the lowest ranked of the 14 charities listed for "Birth Defects". Not to say they're not a worthwhile organization, but how did they rope Kindercare - one of the largest daycare chains in the USA - with over 200,000 kids - into coercing parents into donating so they can have a valentine's day card from their kid? They already collect over 214 MILLION dollars a year in donations.

Ranting on Calendars and Hamburger

2007-02-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

Quite a title, isn't it? I am tired of debating VBAC/RCS and discussing pregnancy, so I thought I would rant about some other things that have caught my eye lately.

Why do most calendars run the week from Sunday to Saturday? Not that I'm overly religious but didn't God rest on the 7th day? Which Christians observe on Sunday? Or is the average US calendar based on Judaism, where the Sabbath is Saturday? Why do we call it a week-END if one of the days is the first day of the week, and the other is actually the end of the week? Doesn't it actually feel like the week starts on Monday - at least if you work a standard Mon-Fri shift? It makes a lot more sense to see a calendar run Monday thru Sunday, but you can rarely find them. Especially if you wait until mid-January when calendars are 75% off to buy your yearly wall hanging.
Are the grocery stores jumping on the "Make America Obese" bandwagon? I have noticed for a couple years that you cannot buy a pound of hamburger anymore, unless you get the "chubs" - those tube shaped pre-packaged hamburger packages that have a weird texture and contain who knows what from the slaughter house. At first, the packages went to 1.1 lbs. Or maybe 1.09 or 1.11, but well beyond 1.0 lbs, which is what every recipe in the world calls for. On my last grocery trip I could NOT find a package smaller than 1.23 lbs. That's almost a quarter larger than I need! That serves 5 people, instead of 4 and we're a family of 3. The large 5 lb packages that you could presumably re-package into 1 lb packages (in your spare time) are always the high fat meat - 84% lean my butt - that's 16% fat! If you buy it from the butcher man at the counter, you can get him to package 1 pound only but pay a premium. Would I rather pay 25% more for 25% more meat or for the luxury of only having 1 pound of meat?
Why do people move to Colorado, buy a 1500 pound Dodge Neon, take it out in the snow and ice and then act amazed that it crashes and causes a traffic jam; making those of us in our sensible Subarus late for work?

Those are the random items that have irritated me beyond reason this week. How about you?

Meme

2007-01-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

How do you pronounce it? ME-ME or Mem like Memo or rhymes with theme like I read the other day?
Where Were You?
1. Where were you when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded? At work at a small newspaper in New Mexico. It was my first exposure to "bad news is good for newspapers". I worked with the circulation department and they were running around trying to decide how high to bump the press run since it was late enough in the morning to scoop the am papers.
2. Where were you when Armstrong first walked on the moon? Don't remember, I was barely in kindergarten, I think.
3. Where were you when Princess Diana died? In bed. Not alone. Enough said, as I think da Kane peruses this blog on occasion and it was before I met him.
4. Where were you on New Year’s Eve of 1999/2000? Las Vegas. But at home with da kane (before we got married). Went outside to watch the fireworks on the strip at midnight, had to go back inside as the neighbors behind us were firing weapons into the air to celebrate(!).
5. Where were you on September 11, 2001? Driving to work when I heard about the first one. My first thought was it was a little personal plane and somebody had royally screwed up. Then it quickly became apparent it was WAY more serious than that. Spent the day trying to see news on the internet as they wouldn't send us home. I had only been at that job for 2 months. Had a glass of wine at lunch I was so shaken. The woman I lunched with that day became a good friend and I think that day had something to do with it.
6. Where were you when you first heard about the big 2004 Tsunami? Sitting right here reading about it on the 'net.
7. Where were you when you first heard that Madonna would go on tour last year? Hahahahahaha

Pro-VBAC thoughts

2007-01-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am still thinking about this and doing research. The answer is beginning to seem clear, but I still want to talk to my perinatalogist and some more to my regular ob/gyn. Luckily I don't have to have an answer for a couple months yet.
First of all, let me acknowledge that whatever I may choose, life may make other decisions for me. In other words, I may want to have a VBAC and prepare for one, but circumstances may dictate a c-section after all. That's ok - the number 1 priority is my bringing home a healthy baby within a few days of delivery.
Current research says that the chance of a uterine rupture in a VBAC is 0.6% - about 1/2 of 1 percent. Overall, a VBAC is SAFER for mother and baby than a repeat c-section (RCS).
Birth is a natural process. It's only in the last 100 years that it has become a medical condition. Granted, many women used to die in childbirth and medicalizing the process has improved those stats immeasurably. And I'm all for that. However, why should I choose major surgery over a natural experience? Women have been giving birth for either thousands or millions of years, depending on how fundamentalist your beliefs are.
I am honoring my body by believing that I am capable of giving birth to my child, and doing so. Having a c-section did not feel like giving birth to me - it felt like being opened up and having something removed.
I am honoring my child and the birth process to allow my body and the baby's body to notify me when he/she is ready to be born. Scheduling the birth to better fit my doctor's and my schedule seems just plain wrong.
Yes, the logistics, particularly with my 3-year old, are much more complicated. But again, having major surgery as a matter of "convenience" doesn't seem right.
This desire for a VBAC is very deeply rooted. I almost want to call it genetic memory. Every woman in my line from Lucy until my grandmother has waited for the baby to arrive, has experienced labor pains and delivered a baby. I don't know if that has any bearing or not, all I know is that the urge to deliver naturally is very strong and I think have the c-section with my son has made it even stronger.
Let me clarify something else - when I say deliver naturally, I really mean vaginally - I am not ruling out drugs, as a matter of fact I'm kind of counting on them. Better living through chemistry! The fewer interventions the better, but if the baby needs monitoring or I need an episiotomy - fine.
A friend of mine was telling me another theory. Birth is a battle for mother and child, it's not easy and it starts the child out as a fighter. I think we can all agree that the sooner a child realize that life's not always easy, the better.
Da Kane seems to be supportive now - meaning that he will not try to talk me out of a VBAC and he will be with me for the delivery, whichever route it takes.
My pro-RCS points seem rather lame at this point. More thought, research and discussions ahead.

A1C 5.5%

2007-01-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, my A1C was 5.5% - down from 5.7 last Sept. Moving in the right direction, and actually pretty good considering Thanksgiving and Christmas were within those red blood cells' lifespans. (hmmm, something grammatically odd about that phrase). I get to go back every 4 weeks from now until delivery, we'll see if I can get it down to 5.2 or so. These overnight glucoses in the 80s have got to help tremendously.
No 160s after lunch on the weekends would help a whole lot more.
The report said my 2 week test was normal as well. Huh? What 2 week blood glucose average test? Never heard of such an animal.
My TSH was actually up from Dec even though I've upped my thyroid meds - I guess pregnancy does a number on your thyroid as well, so my dosage is going up again on that too. I wish I could blame this tiredness on the thyroid but it's only 2.381. That's a lot lower than it used to be "normally" before I went to an endo who actually had read up on the latest suggested "normal" ranges.
I wonder if I might be anemic. Ob/Gyn said I could try iron and see how I felt. Cripes, I'm getting blood drawn about every 3 weeks from one doc or another, you'd think somebody could check it for me. I hesitate to just start taking iron because it's so constipating and I'm having enough issues with that just from the pregnancy hormones!
No wonder my husband calls me hypochondriac!
This afternoon I get my final crown put in! Hopefully back to every 3 months for the dentist. It will be nice to get to only FOUR medical/dental/therapeutic visits a month. Sarcasm intended. But I will do whatever it takes to ensure this baby's health and well-being.
I have given myself until May 1st to decide whether to persue the VBAC option. I am researching it and talking to all these experts. Expect to read more on the subject.
My elastic waistband today is uncomfortably tight. I do believe I have started growing in the belly area. This is difficult for me, being overweight already. As much as I am delighted to see proof of the baby - I dread seeing my waist expand even more. I doubt the average person on the street would even guess that I am expecting. I am thinking I need a couple pair of maternity slacks and maybe several tops that make it OBVIOUS that there is a baby in here. Maybe a sign for around my neck?
Everytime I tell another person, I feel a twinge of fear. Fear that telling people will cause me to lose this baby too. I can't even write about it much because it is a paralyzing emotion.

VBAC Decision

2007-01-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

To VBAC or not to VBAC, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to face the slings and arrows of outrageous childbirth or to take scalpel up with a scheduled cesarean section?
My heart REALLY, REALLY wants to try for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). But, I have little support for this option from my ob/gyn who I would HATE to change after 5 years, 4 miscarriages and the birth of my son. Da Kane also doesn't see any reason for it. So, I might need to hire a Doula or just go it unsupported. It is supposed to be healthier for baby and less risky me than a surgical birth, but there is a 0.6 - 1% chance of uterine rupture which would mean surgery anyway, and a slighter risk of serious repercussions for baby or I (up to and including death, but that is a minuscule percentage).
I do not know why I want one so badly. To be a part of the sisterhood of women? To understand the natural birthing process? To be awake and alert and feel more like a mother and less like a vessel having a child removed?
The largest negatives are mostly logistical. My doc is up near work, home is 55 miles south. That means at least a 45 min drive to the hospital, which could be a problem for false labor or when labor actually starts and Da Kane and I are freaking out.
DS will need someplace to go or someone to come watch him. We have very few friends near where we live and certainly no one I'd feel comfortable calling at 2 am to come over. There isn't any family we could have come stay for a couple weeks either. Obviously this would be a PRIORITY to work out.
Those are 2 HUGE reasons to go with a scheduled surgical delivery. But they're just logistics, we're talking my last childbirth opportunity for life.
Oh yes, I also need to call my insurance company and see if they cover tubal ligation and if there's any financial benefit to doing it as part of the c-section rather than a separate surgical procedure a day or two after delivery. Funny, I feel inner resistance and I've always thought that was the way to go once we were done adding to our family. Part of me thinks if I am having this one at 44, maybe it's possible to have another at 46 or beyond, it's certainly not unheard of. But how many miscarriages can I take? 3 in a row was pretty devastating. Then we also get into the environmental reasons to stick with zero population growth (2 kids to replace Da Kane and I on the earth). Of course, we both have 2 siblings who haven't reproduced, so theoretically, we could have up to 6 and still be zero growth from our generation. MAN, am I splitting hairs or WHAT? Wouldn't adoption after 2 biologic children really be the way to go? I haven't used any birth control in 5 years and going back to it would be a major drag.
It helps to put all this in writing. I must say a repeat cesarean is looking like the logical choice.

I'm Austin?

2007-01-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.You're totally weird and very proud of it.Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way.
Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

Check it out - 5th month!

2007-01-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

OOOOOoohhh, I just noticed my pregnancy ticker above moved to the 5th month! WooooHooooo.
Long discussion with Ob/Gyn yesterday about attempting a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). He's leaving it up to me, but stressed the 1% chance of bad things happening. Further research says it is really a 0.6% chance. I think he likes to do surgery.
I am still torn though. I want a "regular" birth, but also a little frightened of the pain and wondering if I'm physically fit enough to do it.
I also don't know how supportive this doc will be and if Da Kane will support me either. Good thing I have several months to decide.
Any input?
Boring day at work today. I really need to get re-motivated or something.

Thursday Thanks

2007-01-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

The endo visit actually went quite well yesterday. Unfortunately I will not have blood results until Friday or Monday. He wasn't too concerned about my lack of consistent testing, as a matter of fact, he showed me a new scatter testing method which boils down to only testing twice a day. The tough part is that every other day I still have to remember to test pre and post dinnertime. When trying to get dinner on the table for all 3 of us and keep the 3 yr old entertained, it is tough to remember. We don't eat until 7, so 2 hours post-dinner I am often snug in my bed. I guess I take the glucometer to bed with me.
At 20 weeks (just 15 days away) the placenta really starts pumping out the insulin resistance hormones (which is why they test for glucose intolerance then), so I will need to be more vigilent to keep my insulin dose correct.
I was 6 lbs down from my pre-conception visit. No one is concerned about it except me. I do need to start testing for ketones a couple times a week. I love this doc, he realizes that I have a mild case of T2 (so far) and will jump on any big bg fluctuations without prompting. The last pregnancy, the endo had me testing my blood sugars SEVEN (7) times a day and ketones DAILY. This is with an A1C of 6.0.
I see my OB today. I have a whole list for him. This is weird, seeing both a perinatologist and an OB/GYN. Not only is it double co-pays, but add in the endo and the nutritionist and that's 4 specialist co-pays a month. Add in my teeth freaking out from pregnancy hormones and my therapy - and I am off to a doctors appt every other day it seems!

Miscellany

2007-01-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

I like Diane Keaton. I think she's a good actress and she certainly looks stunning for 61 years old. I had the impression that she was intelligent. I like L'Oreal too - I even use one of their moisturizers, and LOVE Garnier Fructis. HOWEVER, "re-densify" is not even CLOSE to a real word. So, DO NOT use it in a commercial, a blog, a book, even a magazine ad or article!

Tomorrow is my endocrinologist appointment. I have not seen him since I said:

"Let's change the focus from getting pregnant to losing weight"

then promptly conceived, probably that very night. I am a bit concerned because I have been lax on testing my blood sugar except for fasting levels. While I know fasting level is important, it's the after-meal levels that can damage you long-term and make for a fat little baby. I am not sure how to go about reminding myself. I think my A1C might be high. Also anxious because he is probably not going to be happy that he is just now seeing me at 17 weeks, when he stressed before he wanted to see me every 4 weeks. I have asked the nurse several times if he doesn't want to see me sooner via my faxed blood sugar reports (when I send them) and she doesn't respond.

It's that old male in authority fear - he might yell at me. OH WELL.

Work has been stinky, icky, yucky poo. Or as my darling son would say - POOPY.
OH WELL. I have to deal with these people for approximately 11 more months. And I get 3 of those months off for FMLA or good behavior.

It is of the utmost irony to me that the one time in my life that I am ALLOWED to gain weight (modest amounts anyway), I can barely stay the same. It really isn't fair. My appetite is off and when it's on, it seems to want fruit and such.

Da Kane is still reserving excitement over the impending birth. I realize that he is protecting his emotions, but we are past all the spots where we miscarried before and all the miscarriages were (most likely) genetic and we have a good Amnio report back now. Chances are very good that we will have a baby at the end of June. I feel a little shortchanged that my husband cannot be excited with me. This is not the first time I have been disappointed in da Kane's reaction or lack thereof. I can only surmise that this will not be the last time I feel this let-down. I cannot help but wonder if my next life will bring me a more satisfying primary relationship.

Amnio Results are Back!

2007-01-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

The amnio results are back and everything genetic is fine! Two of each chromosone and all in the right place, etc. Whewww.
Big relief to me. Told work this week - it was fun.
New habit - waking at 1 or 2 am for 2-3 hours. It's wiping me out. I took a holiday tomorrow - will have dear son but still won't have to work and can sleep til 6 or maybe even 7 am. He sleeps later when I'm not prowling around the house getting ready for work at 5 am.
I have some blogs I really love and they are making me feel like a terrible blogger. Hopefully I will improve.

One Year Quit!

2007-01-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

It's amazing. I am quit for one year today! Here is the post I wrote on quitnet.com - a terrific resource for quitting smoking!
Note that they give the title Doctor to people quit for one year and beyond.

Is there a Doctor in the house?
From Ottoette on 1/7/2007 10:27:15 AM
Well, yes, as a matter of fact - there is!! ME.
In 30 minutes it will be exactly one year since I smoked a butt in the cold garage and asked myself if I was going to quit or not? I had intended to quit on the 3rd after the holiday, but had spent a few days torturing myself, bumming smokes, smoking half, going back hours later to find the butt and smoke it. It was a Saturday morning and I smoked the last bit of a butt some smoker had bummed me at work the day before. You remember how nasty those taste.
I asked myself if I was going to quit this time or not. Honestly, I was more concerned about blowing my husband's quit than anything. He had not tried to quit for 3 years and if we didn't do it this time, I thought he might take years to quit again. I knew I had a LOT of trouble quitting with his smokes in the house so I gathered my courage and told myself that I could stay quit as long as he could - I had more knowledge, more practice, more help (patch, zyban, the Q). This is about my 25th quit since 2000. I had learned A LOT.
So, it wasn't an epiphany and I didn't see a burning bush or suddenly just not want to smoke anymore, but everything changed that moment.
It hasn't been easy, especially the first 6 months. We put a lot of emphasis at the Q on making it to Elder, and probably for a lot of people, that is when it starts getting better. For me it was more like 6 months or 200 days.
I used Elder as an important goal that I had never reached before. Then I shot for 1 week quit for each year smoked (27) thinking maybe that was the magic calculation. Maybe it wasn't magic, but it kept me hanging on thinking it had to get better.
You know what? It did get better - a little tiny bit every day. I still have moments that I want a smoke, a nostalgic longing kind of thing. But I don't let myself dwell on it and I take a moment to be amazed at my quit and then I move on with the task at hand.
I will always need to keep my guard up, especially if alcohol is around. I see SO many quits blown after a few beers - if you can, just don't drink for a few months. If you can't - maybe you need to look at that behavior too?
Many thanks to the Q and all my friends here - and even some of my not-friends who kicked me in the butt when I needed that, even if I resented it at first. You guys are AMAZING and a truly wonderful resource.
364 days, 23 hours, 34 minutes and 44 seconds smoke free.
7300 cigarettes not smoked.
$1,241.00 and 1 month, 25 days, 18 hours of your life saved.
Your quit date: 1/7/2006 9:00:00 AM

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

2007. Wow. That sounded so far away when it was first mentioned as my possible layoff date.
Dick Clark. Geez. Ok, maybe I'm not inclusive enough or sensitive enough or whatever, but PLEASE do we have to see him every year so diminished from what he was? A minute or two's appearance would be ok, even heartwarming, but don't prop him up like some taxidermist project behind a desk like he's really appearing or something.
The fireworks off the top of Pike's Peak were especially beautiful this year. Maybe the coldness or all the snow or the almost-full moon. Quite lovely. No, I didn't get any pictures - standing in my robe on the front porch at 19 degrees Fahrenheit was enough suffering without struggling for the proper midnight camera settings. Just lazy, I know.
I am always reminded of New Year's Day in Kona when some neighborhoods looked like it had snowed a red blizzard all night. People lit 100,000 count firecracker strings like there was no tomorrow. Some Asian superstition/tradition about scaring the bad demons away from the new year
Resolutions. I sometimes make them, sometimes not - rarely keep them. It crossed my mind several times recently that Quitting Smoking is NOT on the resolution list for the first time in at least a decade, maybe 2? I knew I should quit long before I would admit it to anyone else. I was going to be a "die-hard" -- pun intended. I'm so glad I have 359 smoke-free days behind me. I continue to be, and probably always will be a puff away from a pack a day but I think as long as I avoid drinking alcohol with smokers, I think I can stay smokefree. As long as I always remember it's the first puff that kills you.
These thoughts lead me to consider that perhaps I can now move onto another important New Year's resolution. This one I haven't had on my list since "Tainted Love" was a hit by Soft Cell. It's related to a resolution I've had longer than the quit smoking one. I always VOWED to lose weight. Obviously at 15 weeks pregnant, I won't even consider that for this year, but I CAN consider....
Exercise. Yes, intentional exercise on a regular basis. I think 4 days a week, 30 mins minimum is reasonable, measurable and specific enough. I know that to many thousands of Americans, that would seem like a lame target -- but I know that to many MILLIONS of USA-folk, it is beyond what is currently achieved. Most importantly, it is much needed for me. I have had several streaks of 2-4 weeks this year but I have never, ever stuck to a routine for very long.
I don't want to get bogged down into all the reasons/excuses why I haven't done it before or why I have stopped. I want to focus on all the very good motives I have to do it this year. And that is a post for tomorrow.

Woman charged with malicious castration

2006-12-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

How could one NOT read a story with that headline? Apparently, she did it with her BARE HANDS and he required FIFTY stitches! She must have those really long acrylic nails or something. This happened at a Christmas party and my favorite quote of the story is "All three [victim, attacker and hostess] were heavily intoxicated, police Chief Frank Powers said." NO DOUBT!

Another Blizzard ?!?!?!?!?!??

2006-12-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

This is not normal for Colorado front range - 2 blizzards in 10 days?
I am working from home again today. Took Kimo to the ear doc's this am. He has negative pressure and it could be this, yada yada, it could be that yada yada. Net result, I have to take him back yet again in 4 months. I wonder if they don't just like the steady stream of $30 specialist co-pays and insurance checks. That's not very nice but when you work 55 miles from home and the doc is 15 miles in the opposite direction, a "simple" appointment becomes a logistical nightmare.
I know da kane is a lot closer, but I handle all the medical appts because he doesn't get all my questions answered and can't repeat the appointment verbatim for me when I get home.
This is related to my strong interest in medicine. This is how I prefer to describe my hypochondria!
I was able to get the heartbeat on my rented doppler over last weekend. I am not listening daily as there is some debate over the effect of the sonic waves on the little bean when used a lot. Boy, let me tell you what a reassurance it is to be able to hear him/her.
I've been a LOT MORE nauseous this past week or so than the first trimester, which is weird. Whatever it takes to get to a healthy bouncing June baby!

Elf Name

2006-12-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

Your Elf Name Is...

Twinkles Hot Chocolate

What's Your Elf Name?

Blizzard!

2006-12-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

My Goodness! The Christmas Blizzard of '06 is upon us. It's been windy and snowing like crazy since 6 am.
If you want to get into the mood, check out this site - this is the scientist that took the snowflake pictures on this year's secular postage stamps - Snowflakes. Very cool. I think a crafty type person could do some very neat stuff with those pics.
Yesterday's appt was reassuring. Honestly, until I get the amnio back and maybe not even until 20 weeks, I will be unsure of this and somewhat nervous. It's just inevitable after 4 losses in 5 pregnancies in 4 years. All prayers, white light and good thoughts are appreciated. You will notice I got over the jinx enough to post my pg ticker above.
The Christmas pic is just of DS and I because da Kane has STRICTLY PROHIBITED release of his photos! I did get a nice shot of da Kane and DS for my office and a surprisingly good shot of da Kane and I (I generally detest pics of myself) this year. Our family shot was disappointing, but que sera, it will make me look that much more stunning in next year's.
I have eaten terribly today. I don't know what it is about working from home so close to the kitchen, but I don't eat actual meals, I graze a lot and I don't focus on protein like I am *trying* to do. Much like I do on weekends, but at least on those days I try to have regular breaky/lunch times with DS.
My fasting blood sugar was better today - 86. Not surprising since I had a run-in with a piece of fudge before bed. Doc wants it below 90 while pregnant. I with the stupid Dr R-J would get in touch. A rant for another day.

Fasting Blood Sugars Dropping?

2006-12-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a little concerned that my fasting blood sugars are dropping when my meds and insulin dose are staying the same. Could my cold be causing this? Or the fact that I stopped Progesterone supplementation a week ago? I don't think I'm eating that much differently, but I am not snacking much after dinner because I'm either going to sleep or I'm battling heartburn. This has me worried that something is wrong with Little Bean.
Luckily, I have an ultrasound at 11 am today - that will put my mind at ease. Then, after that I will call the endo's office, if I can get through during their short window of operation - 8:30 to 11 and 1:30 to 3:30 or something ridiculous like that. I want to know why he wanted to see me every 4 weeks last preg and this time he hasn't wanted to see me yet and I'm 13 wks. And shouldn't he be testing my TSH? I thought the synthetic thyroid would need to be adjusted during preg.
I guess I was due for a day with a lot of questions - it's been a few. If anyone knows anything about this stuff, PLEASE POST.
PS Little Bean is just fine - kicking and rolling and bouncing up a storm. I can see why Tom Cruise had to buy his own ultrasound machine. It would be tempting if I had the money.

Mommy and James Xmas '06

2006-12-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

Mommy and James Xmas '06
Originally uploaded by Ottoette.

Not too bad, don't know how they can charge what they do and not take the glare off my specs. I can do it, but no time yet!
13 WEEKS today!! WooooHoooooo! Bye-buh 1st trimester!

Me as a Christmas Ornament

2006-12-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

You Are a Snowman

Friendly and fun, you enjoy bringing holiday cheer to everyone you know!

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

Not morning sickness

2006-12-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

I had an awful 48 hour bug. I am still not better, but at least I can sit upright and type a little.
Got the test results. My odds of a Downs baby based on my age alone are 1 in 22. After the screening, it's 1:421. Odds of Trisomy 13 or 18 on age alone are 1:41, post-screening, they are 1:801. I am pretty happy with those numbers, so we will wait on an amnio and skip the CVS and risks with that.
Do NOT want to go to work today. Am going to try and take tomorrow off so I can get ahead of the xmas stuff. I wasn't doing too badly but 2 sick days in prime card/shipping time messed me up. I would like to get EVERYTHING wrapped up this weekend so I can enjoy the week before Christmas. Not likely but I can Try!

Always waiting

2006-12-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Just vomited for the first time this pregnancy. It was the damn protein bar I had for breakfast. It can make me kinda nauseated even when not pregnant. Yuck, just want a nap now, but I'm at work!
Waiting, waiting, waiting on the Peri's office to call with the rest of the 1st trimester screening results. They told me Mon or Tues - I should have known it would be Tues or Wed!
Yuck, yuck, yuck, can't get the smell and taste gone. Must go brush teeth now.

Debating Decisions

2006-12-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

I am questioning the CVS test again. 1 in 100 causing a m/c (miscarriage) doesn't seem too bad, but the amnio is 1 in 1000. I can't imagine the devastation if I had the CVS, then had a m/c that may have been caused by the CVS, then found out the genes were all normal.
I guess I'm taking my lead from the specialist, Dr. Bill. He would actually perform the test. Since Dr. Bill kept going on about how invasive it was and how the amnio is safer; naturally I was influenced. My reg ob/gyn, Dr. H., tried that on me too, but I reminded him that we had done CVS with Kimo and I knew his wife had done CVS on both their pgs, including twice on one because the first sample didn't grow.
The question always comes down to what would we do with bad results. If you would terminate, the sooner you know the better. I am still not sure. We were so sure in the past, but there is such a range of defects and possibilities.
I must get back to being semi-productive. My day off was wonderful but I didn't get a whole lot accomplished.

So far so good on 1st Trimester Screen

2006-12-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

The little bean was kicking and waving up a storm. Good strong heartbeat AND he/she measures right on for our 6/23 due date.
We had some trouble getting him to pose for the Nuchal Translucency measurement which mean a lot of probing around with the transvaginal ultrasound. Can you say - Ow? But got one somewhat clear shot and it was 1.5 which is right in the middle of what they want to see, anything over 2.5 is really pointing towards Downs.
Ultrasound Tech and hubby thought they saw a dangle between the legs, but I missed it. I have a gut feeling it's a boy anyway.
5 days till the hormone work comes back and we'll have a better look at our odds of major chromosonal problems. We will PROBABLY not do CVS and just wait and do an amnio. It will depend on the results on Mon or Tues.
I am very happy with the results so far.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and good wishes, I could really feel them today.

Today's the Big Test!

2006-12-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

I am SO anxious! 5 hours to go and I'm about to jump out of my skin.
I am not worried they will find genetic problems, I am worried they will not find a heartbeat.
Da Kane is coming up to go to the appt with me.
Dang root canal is bugging me big time today. Not fun.
Sleep was spotty and much interrupted last night. 1 Phone call - 2 DS nightmares - 2 potty runs and insomnia each time from thinking about today. No wonder my tooth hurts. I have often noted that my pain threshold lowers substantially when I am tired.
I have been thinking about the Wheel of Fortune card below. I have always been extremely lucky. From getting into the newspaper business, to getting moved to Hawaii, to marrying da Kane and having my son. Even moving back from Hawaii to Las Vegas in time for my Mother's final illness was luck. I need to trust that this pregnancy is going to turn out just as it is supposed to.

11 weeks 2 days!

2006-12-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Feeling ok. No painkillers (even ibuprofen) for several days. Questioning if I need this root canal today. Will have a long talk with dentist before he begins.
Level II ultra-sound and possible CVS (kinda like amnio, but done earlier) on Thursday. Hopefully, this appt will put my mind at rest at least for a little while. It has been difficult to get to this point. Still no heartbeat on home doppler, but still many signs of pregnancy.
Up another pound on the scale. Trying not to beat myself up over it, but try to eat according to plan.

Ahhhhhhhh, falling apart!

2006-12-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Gosh, now I have a cold. Very sore throat, headache, earache, sinuses packed and alternately draining and aching. Tooth still hurts.
Yucky, yucky, yucky.
And big, big holiday events weekend planned. I really would like to spend a couple days in bed. But soccer buddies, library, community tree lighting/Santa arrival, church and 4 yr old b-day party all await. Plus I need to get my holiday letter done AND get the rest of the decorations out and put the boxes away!
Let's cross off the baking I hoped to do - just one batch of cookies, but that's a 2-3 hr project I can't afford this weekend.
This morning is espresso cart day and lobby tree trimming at work - so I must run to fit that in along with the actual work.
Nausea keeps coming and going, now I'm not sure if it's the Little Bean or the cold or the tooth!
I was getting pretty stressed about L.B. yesterday and called my ob/gyn's nurse. My new mantra is "no cramping, no bleeding = all is well".

10w 2d or now my teeth give out

2006-11-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

My body has a way of getting even with me. I am so worried about every lower abdominal twinge and trickling feelings that I just ignored a sore jaw Friday. Saturday I found the Anbesol and started applying it regularly. Sunday I was grateful that they have now ok'd ibuprofen for the first 6 months of pregnancy.
Of course, my quarterly cleaning appt is tomorrow but I could NOT wait another day for some help. Went to see Dr Paul, my dentist/comedian today. Apparently a root canal I had done in Hawaii some 12-14 years ago is not completely root free and I have some sort of infection below the tooth. Loverly.
I never did like that dentist, didn't feel comfortable in his professionalism. Having moved so much in my life; I have seen lots of different dentists. There are only 2 who I really felt weren't doing a good job. Or maybe a couple more that I never went back to, but only 2 who did any substantive work on my pearly whites. (after 27 years of smoking and 25 years of heavy coffe/cola consumption, perhaps ivories would be a better choice of words).
This is not the first time my teeth have started acting up in the 1st trimester. I'll save you the boring stories but I will offer some hard-learned advice - NEVER, EVER, EVER go for a dental cleaning in your 8th month of pregnancy!! Ouchie!
I had a nice thanksgiving overall. I must admit that I let the teeth and preg worries take over and I was rather snappish to both da Kane and my dear son. I will have to make it up to them. 4 days straight of a 3 yr old is a bit much unless you're some kind of early childhood education saint!

Worth 1,000 Words?

2006-11-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

My darling son was NOT posed like this. This was his natural inclination. Should this concern me? Or let me know he appears to be hetero?
Edited to add that I think he was trying to take her hand. Of course I'm not sure, but he doesn't grab at my breasts or anyone else's that I know of.

9w 2d - moving right along

2006-11-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

Only 18 days to go til the next ultrasound - big screening to see how bebe is doing. Actually seems like a very long time since the last u/s was 7 days ago. I worry with every twinge. It's awful in a way.
I'm in a pumpkin pie contest today. I made a lower sugar pie yesterday and only made one! When da Kane complained, I mentioned that he doesn't even like pump.pie and he said it smelled good so he wanted a piece. Oh I see, you eat one piece and then I have 7 slices of my favorite pie hanging around the house? And it won't still be good in 4 or 5 days, so I still have to make one fresh on Wed or Thurs.
Sugars are "ok". Could still be a little lower in the am. I am up to 8 units of Humulin N at dinner time and today's fasting was still 93. They want it below 90 while I am preggers. Easy enough to do if I would stick to my eating plan!!

Another Dr's Appt - 8wks 2 days

2006-11-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

All is well. I was SO happy to see the heartbeat again. Baby measures right on for timing. Now if we could just skip ahead 5 or 6 weeks and be out of the first trimester!

Great Trip, now nerves 7 5/7th weeks

2006-11-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful trip to NM. Great to see my Aunt & Uncle, I haven't seen them in 3 years. Both my brothers and sis-in-law came up for lunch on Sat. We had a nice lunch then went to a park for a couple hours. Lots of good green chile, but I don't know if I will EVER again find a smothered breakfast burrito with green sauce like Clark's in Alamogordo used to make. Oh, I miss the green sauce of Southern NM!
Lots of nausea in odd moments, which I take to be a WONDERFUL sign. I haven't actually thrown up (sorry, tmi) but I never did with DS either.
I should be over the moon about the heartbeat. In the past 5 pregnancies in 4 years, only twice has there been a heartbeat at 6 weeks. Once was my son, the other was the trisomy 21 (down syndrome) baby who passed at 17 weeks. So I feel like I'm still looking at 50/50 odds of a healthy full-term baby. And that's perhaps optimistic since I am 4 years older than the first loss, 3 yrs older than when my son was born.
December 7th is my next appointment with the Obstetrics specialist and I can have the CVS test at that time. It slightly increases the risk of miscarriage but we had that test with DS and all was well. Optimistically speaking, I should know by December 12th if this baby is genetically ok. That's only 4 weeks from Monday. So why can't I just relax?
Today I have an appt with the nutritionist and I'm hoping she can get me fired up. I really fell off the wagon on the NM trip, and I really need to be as healthy as possible for this baby.
I am keeping my therapy sessions too. I don't know how we can afford all these co-pays. 4x therapy a month, 1x nutritionist, 1x Obstetrician, 1x my regular ob/gyn, 1x my endocrinologist. And I think I'm forgetting somebody! Whatever happened to 1 doctor for EVERYTHING??
I really need to get some work done today. But I would like to leave you with this thought. Why are all the eggs we don't use while we're on the pill wasted? Why can't they be stored up and used in our 40's? I was on the pill for about 10 years, so that's 120 eggs! I only need ONE good egg!

Houston, We have a heart beat

2006-11-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe, but the fetus is 0.62 cm (1/5 inch) long and ALREADY has a heartbeat! So far so good.
Off to Albuquerque with the travel trailer for a long weekend, be back Tuesday for the election. PLEASE let sanity prevail this time and let's throw those republicans OUT! I considered myself a republican for a long time, but face it, we need to shake Washington up! Is this the country you thought it was as a child?
Blood sugar was 84 at bedtime, so I drank a cup of warm milk to keep from going low overnight with the Humulin N I am taking now. So this morning, it was 107! Doctor would like it below 90 since I'm preggers, so I guess I didn't need the milk? Isn't there a happy medium SOMEWHERE? This balancing act is kinda tricky with the additional hormones doing god knows what.

More Wait and See

2006-10-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't get my HcG re-tested until Friday, due to the blizzard. It was 10,000. This is quite an improvement over past pregnancies but it should have doubled every 2 days, meaning it should have been 16,000. However, I have read that a 150% increase instead of 200% increase is acceptable, so maybe 10,000 means the baby's still viable.
I see the specialist on Thursday including an ultrasound to see if there's a visible sac/embryo/heart beat. I will just continue to try to stay calm and healthy but not fixate on it. (No days spent at Babycenter boards).
I have not told any medical professionals that I'm using the progesterone gel from the last pregnancy. I just called the pharmacy and I did have a refill left so I ordered it. It won't be in until tomorrow. If that's what's sustaining the pregnancy, 4 or 5 days without it might be enough to end it? Unless it was sustaining it because I am deficient. My fasting blood sugar this morning was the lowest (92) that it's been in a couple weeks - is that a bad sign that HcG is dropping (HcG increases insulin resistance)? I don't know. Then again, maybe it's the thyroid meds or the increased metformin or the luck of the egg genetics draw.
Or the sperm genetics. The doctors just assume these lost pregnancies are due to "bad eggs". I realize at my age that's probably a safe assumption, but it's NOT CERTAIN. STOP BLAMING ME. Although I have no control over it, I can still feel a lot of guilt over the "bad eggs".
You can see how quickly I can go crazy trying to analyze all the data without a medical or statistical degree.
The nurse at the specialist was trying to pin me down about labor and delivery and if I would continue to see my regular ob/gyn and all these other details. I finally said, with my voice cracking and the tears probably evident, "I haven't thought that far ahead, let's just get to the 11th week and then we'll see".
The 11th week is the genetic testing, so if we get past this 7/8 week jinx, I can worry about that instead.
Ok, must get my head back on straight. If it is meant to be, it will be. I can only do everything I can do to maintain a healthy pregnancy, and then it is no longer up to me!

Drive-by

2006-10-27T09:50:00.000-06:00

A quick drive-by post as this is a busy day.
The Blizzard of '06 kept me home yesterday. No way was I going to risk an accident or getting stuck at work, or sleeping by the highway when I can telecommute. Luckily, my boss is very cool about it. We got 21 inches of snow in about 15 hours - it was AMAZING.
What is even more bizarre is that it's supposed to be 55 degrees today! Colorado is the oddest weather I have ever lived in. With 12 states under my belt, that's saying something.
Still pregnant! Going to a specialist next week for a consultation because I am not confident that my ob/gyn knows every available option to deal with my particular situation. The new guy will co-manage with my reg doc, so that's very good.
Of course by late next week when my consultation is, I will be coming up on 7 weeks very quickly, and that is the most common time for me to miscarry.
HOWEVER, my HcG on Monday was 3976 and it has NEVER gotten that high in the past 3 pregnancies. Honestly, I am just trying not to think about it too much. I'm being as healthy as I can, although I could do some more exercise.
I am dressed as a pirate today, and have lots to do before the company kids halloween party at 3 this afternoon. My son should be here about 2:30 - I can't wait - he looks really awesome in his pirate costume. I will post a pic very soon!

High Sugar Hand Lotion

2006-10-24T08:14:00.000-06:00

My blood sugar was much higher than I thought it should be yesterday, so I went and washed my hands really well and tested again and it was 30 pts lower! I put my new hand lotion on again and re-tested - high again.
So, my lovely new Nightingale Naturals Natural Body Lotion must contain a LOT of sugar! I have the Lavendar Tangerine and it smells almost good enough to eat. But it is HIGH SUGAR.
I read over at busymom.net yesterday about hand lotioners and lip balmers and how winter brings them out. Yep, that's me! Where's my carmax??

Here we go again

2006-10-23T08:14:00.000-06:00

I am elated and terrified. On day 37 of my cycle (yesterday) I finally decided that waking up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom and the persistent fatigue last week were enough reasons to test and it was positive.
No doubt, 2nd line came up fast and much darker than the test line.
This is my 4th pregnancy in 2 years. The other 3 ended in weeks 7 or 8 for unknown reasons. I am week 5 now.
I have already quit smoking (9.5 months now), I don't drink hardly anyway, I am eating as well as I know how with the new nutritionist's plan. I already cut out most of the aspartame that was in my diet.
I started the progesterone suppositories last week just in case. This is another long story with my ob/gyn.
There's not much else I know to do, except cut my coffee to a minimum, exercise daily and perhaps eat a little more.
I have not told da kane yet. In an effort to protect his own feelings, he has been less than enthusiastic the last 2 pregnancies. I can understand, but I also know that we cannot get to a live biological child without going through the pregnancy, so it is cause for guarded celebration.
I need to call my endo and I'm sure they'll start me on Lantus again. I actually took 4 units last night - the starting dose of my last pregnancy. My fasting bg was 108 this morning, too high for pregnancy. However, the lantus may be old. Stupid stuff goes bad in 6-8 weeks.
I need to call my nutritionist and see what she says. Haha, this is very funny as I have left 2 messages for them in the past 10 days and they haven't returned the calls yet. I am assuming I should just up my calorie intake, but she may want to bail on the situation, given her specialty is bariatrics and sports performance.
I need to decide if I want my ob/gyn to refer me to another specialist. I like him and ADORE his nurse, but he doesn't seem to have much experience with high risk pregnancies - he certainly got DS delivered safely, but I am 3 years older and now have T2 diabetes added to the mix.
I need a good cry probably. I feel very emotional. I can't believe how frightened I am. That can't be good. I need to pray. I am not much of an organized religion person, but I do have my own strong beliefs in a higher power.
It's so ironic, my last period was 9/16. On 9/29 I told my endo we should switch focus from pregnancy to weight loss and I probably conceived within a day or two of that statement.
This is very good in that I could still get a maternity leave in under my present company. My position isn't supposed to end until 12/31/07. They have even better maternity leave now than when DS was born.
Oh, I finally dropped the lb I was stalled on Saturday. Today I am up 2 lbs from there. Funny I'm not even concerned about it now.
Now for the fun of the day:

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic
While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good
Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

Are you SURE it's not Saturday?

2006-10-20T08:50:00.000-06:00

I didn't set my alarm last night. I woke up at 5:50-something and thought "oh, it must be Saturday since my alarm didn't go off". Stretched for a couple minutes and got to thinking that it really must be Friday. Started to doze off and heard the doorbell. Now, the doorbell didn't actually chime, but in my half-sleep I would have sworn it did. This is usually my sub-conscious mind trying to alert my conscious mind that it needs to WAKE UP. It's funny, normally it's a phone ringing sound. Once it was my Dad's voice calling me. Sometimes it is becuase DS is calling me or it's my pager going off.
I got up late and DS got up early. We try to avoid crossing our paths in the am because I hear a lot of "Mommy, you stay with me today!" or "I come to work with you!" Neither of which is likely most days. The Da Kane was irritated because he felt that I woke DS up unnecessarily. When he's calling loudly to me "Mommmy, need to go potty" - I can't just ignore him.
And I got on the scale and was down .5 lbs - then I got on it again to be sure I was in the exact right spot on the scale and I was UP .5 lbs. Now I'm getting PISSED!
This is my history with dieting. I do really well for a couple weeks (usually I lose more like 12 or 15 lbs the first 2-3 weeks) and then I stall out. And then I start cheating. And then it's all over.
How do I break that cycle this time? I am tired of writing down every bite. Of being really hungry from 10:00 - 11:30 every morning and waiting anxiously for my 3 pm snack every afternoon. It really sucks to think about food almost all the time, but only eat a tiny bit. I am so ready for a big mexican combo plate at Amigo's - the chile relleno, tamale and cheese enchilada is my favorite - all smothered with green sauce. Or the Chicken Chimichanga - which is just to DIE FOR.
Shit.

And to add insult to injury - the nutritionist's office never called me back yesterday. Both the doctor and the dietician told me to call anytime and I have called twice but never had a return call.
Can you believe I was thinner when DS was 8 weeks old than I am today??

What to be for Halloween?

2006-10-19T15:18:00.000-06:00

This was fun! Actually, my son and I are going to be "non-Pirates of the Carribbean" pirates!

Your Halloween Costume Should Be

A Martini

What Should You Be For Halloween?

Still Stalled

2006-10-19T05:40:00.000-06:00

Another day. I was perfectly on plan yesterday. 2 frozen meals though, which may have been a bit much sodium. I did work out. I am going to drink at least 60 oz of water today and stay on plan and cross my fingers.
Day 34 of the cycle too. That would truly be ironic if I got knocked up again the month I decided to stop "trying" so hard.
Many people might question why I weigh everyday, but believe me, it works better for me. If I weigh weekly, I am more tempted to indulge thinking I have days before the weigh in.

Weight loss stalled

2006-10-18T12:26:00.000-06:00

Day 5 of the same weigh in. I find these stalls extremely frustrating. Why am I going hungry, spending all this time planning meals, etc, with no results? Of course I would probably feel the same if I had only lost .5 or 1 lb in this time frame. I wish I would start feeling better physically and then I could at least have that to keep my motivation waxing.
Also day 33 of this cycle. My average cycle length since the last miscarriage is 29.5 days. I don't feel preggers. Maybe my weight is stalling as a result of prolonged PMS? Every negative HPT feels like a huge failure these days, so I don't want to take one.
Admittedly, I am slacking on the working out. Today is my telecommute day. I have 1/2 hr of my lunch left, perhaps I should go downstairs and work out. That's what I'll do.

Temptation Island

2006-10-15T15:08:00.000-06:00

Sunday afternoon and I'm feeling weak. My son just had a mini-pizza for lunch and there are several little slices left over. I ate like 700 calories for lunch.
Sunday afternoons have always been hard times for me. I get a mini-case of the blues.

Lucky 7

2006-10-14T21:04:00.000-06:00

Yipppee!! I'm 7.5 lbs down as of this morning! WoooHooo. Let's hope tomorrow shows it's sustained. I did very well today, actually 100% on plan, whereas yesterday was pretty bad with the off-site meeting at a country club, all catered. I tried to balance my poor choices anyway.
Sugars are running a little higher than I'd like, but still low enough that they won't put me back on Lantus. I really need to get more faithful about checking them on this eating plan - which is now 2 weeks old!

Blog Downer

2006-10-11T13:44:00.000-06:00

Is anyone reading this and just not commenting? If so, would you de-lurk and post a comment just so I know?
I have gotten hooked on several blogs and all of them seem to be taking a hiatus. Or posting once a week instead of daily. It has let me down.
I am back up a pound. I guess spaghetti is not really good for me, even though it was ww pasta, extra veggie sauce and ground turkey. I am not going to let it get me down.
I am NOT GOING TO LET IT GET ME DOWN.
I am on plan (OP) today at least
The Biggest Loser is on tonight
Soccer Buddies make-up session is also tonight
I must shut down my pc so that I may get something done around here - pitiful, isn't it?

First Follow Up

2006-10-10T14:28:00.000-06:00

I went yesterday and met with the dietician at the nutritionists office. According to their scale I am only down 2.8, at home I am down 4.5. Very discouraging. Of course, she told me that's what they'd like to see - max of 2 lbs a week. I don't go back for a month.
I was looking for a reward after the appointment and I had let myself get too hungry - not excuses, just examining my behavior so I can improve next time. I got back to work, and over the course of the afternoon I had my planned lunch plus a giant poppyseed muffin, a small scoop of jelly beans, a bag of micro popcorn. What is up with that? I *should* have felt all motivated and ready to stay steady on my course and instead I go nuts. I got back to normal after work and have been on plan since, but it was very revealing on an emotional level.
I was down 5 lbs yesterday morning, put 1/2 back on. It's unrealistic, but I feel like 4-5 lbs for 10 days is not commendable. The RD talked to me about not weighing so often, but I'm not sure I can do that. I don't know how to get my expectations in line. I guess in a way, The Biggest Loser is an anti-motivator, because they post 7-10 lb losses a week regularly, if not more! Heck, if I was at a spa someplace working out 2-3 hours a day I could probably do that too. But, I'm NOT.

This is the big allure of the fad diet - lose 12 lbs in 2 weeks!

1925: The Cigarette Diet — In the age before tobacco advertising restrictions, several cigarette companies hailed the appetite-suppressing qualities of their products. One ad for Lucky Strikes urged smokers to "Reach for a Lucky instead
of a sweet."

The RD is concerned I might end up smoking if I diet too hard, having just quit 9 months ago. I promised her I would eat before I would smoke. Current wisdom is that even 1 cig a day can be toxic, while 1 lb is really not much. Just 5-10% weight loss can improve your health whereas you have to quit totally to really benefit from quitting and I am living proof of the difficulty of that task!
I think I need something else to focus on - I am putting too much pressure on the scale. I guess I will take my measurements tonight and see if inches can help? Or maybe something totally different - some non-food related project. Any ideas?

Another One Bites the Dust!

2006-10-05T12:02:00.000-06:00

Another pound gone! Looking back though, I put these 4 lbs on in about 5 days time a couple weeks ago so taking them off in 5 days time is not so thrilling. I have an appt with the nutritionist's nurse on Monday, so that will keep me going strong another 4 days, hopefully.
I am wearing my JDRF wristband to help me remember all the reasons I am doing this. They are mostly health-based, or son-based, very little to do with vanity. But I gotta tell you, I caught a glimpse of my butt in a pair of slacks the other day and it was horrifying.
Mostly still struggling with the lack of gum. Surprisingly enough the coffee thing hasn't bothered me much today, but I have had 2 cups of tea.
Yesterday I did my WW DVD at lunchtime and then ran around like a maniac at Soccer Buddies with my little guy after work. My heart started skipping beats and beating and odd rhythm at dinner, so I just went and layed (laid?) down and ended up asleep at 8:45, which is really when I should go to sleep anyway with a 4:45 wake-up time. I felt fine this am. I have premature ventricular contractions, but they don't usually act up unless I'm pretty hungover. Since I no longer drink enough to get that way, I was surprised. I will be watching it.
Oh, have you guys read "Julia" - another GREAT blog - I am adding it to the Blogroll!

Munching Withdrawl

2006-10-04T13:27:00.000-06:00

Telecommute day is SO nice! But so close to the kitchen! I'm having troubles with the not snacking and the getting enough vegetables. I can only eat so many salads!
I am missing my coffee too! However, I'm on day 5 and lost 3 lbs in the first 4 days.
I cannot get excited about 3 lbs when I can gain 3 overnight and have been known to lose 8 or 9 in a week. But I'm trying to feel proud at least! I'm going in the right direction and I am learning new, healthy habits!

New Life

2006-10-03T08:12:00.000-06:00

Hmm, wonder if I should change my title since I'm not on insulin now?
The nutritionist (Dr S.) I went to was super-cool, I really liked her. I was so afraid she would be a skinny blonde cheerleader type that I just couldn't relate to, but she's brunette, cute figure but not super-skinny, glasses, smart and warm.
She has me on a Glycemic Index type diet but the biggest changes for me are eating 3 meals and one snack a day ONLY. NO sugarless gum or flavored waters or coffee with creamer between meals. Whoa - big change for me. The theory is that the constant stimulus of sweets in your mouth keeps the insulin and cortisol levels high in your body which messes up fat storage. (Obviously not everything she told me) My waist was 51” while my hips were 48”, so I’m a prime candidate for this theory of visceral fat being from cortisol. I have gained 15 lbs in the last 4 months while trying to lose, so it does make me wonder if the constant sugarless gum and flavored h2o wasn’t more hinderance than help.
The coffee thing is challenging me. I used to drink coffee pretty much all morning with sugarless french vanilla creamer in it. And flavored water the rest of the day.
It’s not strictly GI as I am allowed small portions of pasta or rice or whatever, but she stresses 20+ grams of protein at every meal! At least 60 gr protein a day, and each meal should have a carb/protein ratio of < 3.
The gum thing is challenging me, I had replaced smoking with the gum almost completely and didn't even realize it.
Dr. S didn’t make big promises she can’t/won’t keep, I check in with someone at her office every 2 weeks in person, I can call her for a pep talk, etc, etc.
She did offer phentermine (only after I brought it up because my endo had suggested it instead of Byetta) which I am afraid of, but will keep it in the back of my mind if I can stick to this plan but hit a plateau. I might consider a month of it here or there, maybe. I dunno - I did phen-fen in the 90’s before it was illegal and it made me feel really weird. This is the “safe” part of that potion, but she won’t use it for more than a month at a time, which was a relief. Made me feel like she wasn’t a quack. I have had friends lose a lot on phentermine, only to act very unlike themselves while on it, then gain it back within a year—not the solution I am looking for.
She also offered a meal replacement for 2 meals a day, only after I have done the GI thing for a couple months and only if I plateaued.
BEST of all - Dr S. works with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders/emotional eating, etc. The therapist even has an office in Dr S’s office. I actually feel hopeful and have been totally OP for 3 whole days!!!! In a row! amazing for me - huh?
I am having a much tougher time this morning. I want to munch, I want more coffee. I want, I want, I want! I want some gum, I want some food, I want coffee. I want water that tastes like something. I can have tea, so perhaps I will try a cup of that - without any sweetener - caloric or not.

Toddler Funnies

2006-10-02T14:54:00.000-06:00

In the midst of potty training, DS was on the potty and I heard a noise.
"Are you pooping?", I ask.
"No, passing gasoline", he says. :-) Boy wouldn't that pay for college!

"I tell you joke", he says.
"knock-knock"
"who's there?" Mommy asks
"Banana" says James with a big grin
"Banana who?"
"Banana Eaten", says James who then cracks up with big belly laughs. I still don't get it but boy is it funny!

I'm SO excited!

2006-09-29T14:16:00.000-06:00

And I just can't hide it! I know, I know, I know, I know I want you! Yes, I'm stuck in the disco age today, thanks to a novel I'm listening to - "Beyond the Blonde". A flashback chapter has our heroine trying to enter Studio 54 at the height of it's popularity. So far, a most entertaining novel but I'm only on disc 2. Listening to books in the car has made my commute seem shorter and even more importantly, seems to leave me less stressed.
Anyway, back to the source of my excitement.
I saw my endocrinologist today. He is supportive of my wish to change my focus from pregnancy to weight loss. I am going off Lantus IMMEDIATELY. He suggested phentermine instead of Byetta. More studies done on phentermine, longer history, etc. I am leery of phertermine because I did phen-fen for 3 days before it was outlawed and hated it - it made me very speedy and jittery. Everything else was fine with him.
Next up was the new nutritionist! I loved her! 35-ish, glasses, not too gorgeous, not too doctory-snobby, very nice and very helpful. She and her MA (Medical Assistant?) asked a ton of questions and I didn't feel at all rushed. She got me set up on a Glycemic Index type of diet. I need to write down the changes I'm going to make, but I haven't got time right now - that will be another post.

Hoisted by my own Petard

2006-09-28T12:01:00.000-06:00

I had a great ranting and raving post about the new requirements to be put in a federal database to buy Tylenol Severe Sinus medication. I kept thinking about this post, yet freezing when I started to write it. Now that it's 3 weeks later I realize that I just don't want to write it!
AND it has nothing to do with the stated intent of this blog. AND it won't do any good anyway because the US govt is going to H-E-double hockey sticks in a handbasket anyway!
Tomorrow is endo appt and new dietician appt. My weight has been down and now is back up to the 2006 highest. GREAT! WTF is up with this?????
Last post I mentioned feeling sickly, I was hit HARD with a 22-hour nasty bug - I wonder now if it wasn't a touch of the e. coli bug. I don't know if you can get a mild case of that, but I was eating big containers full of spinach from Sam's Club most of that month. Hmmmmm?
More later, I just wanted to get something up here.
Oh yes, my son turned 3 yesterday!

Dazed by the Blogosphere

2006-08-30T15:24:00.000-06:00

As you can see by my growing links section, I have been stumbling about the blogosphere, turning up rare gems left and right. This would seem like a waste of time on par with the boob tube, but it certainly feels more productive.
I really must organize the links better. I'm trying to decide whether to organize by theme - i.e. (in)fertility, diabetes, quit smoking, or by type - i.e. websites or blogs. I think themes would be easier for you - the reader, but many blogs cross topics. Hmmmmm.
Feeling rather sickly all of a sudden. Going to go lie down.

Cranky, Irritable, not much fun

2006-08-29T13:44:00.000-06:00

Yep, that's me today. I don't even have a good excuse. Not PMS, nor TOM, or high-low sugar.
It started last night when I got home and my toddler head-butted me AGAIN, this time right in the mouth, quickly causing a fat lip. I adore my little guy, but we have talked about this time and time and time again, he's been doing it for about 18 months. He just doesn't have that good of a sense of where his body resides in space yet. Or what throwing his head back can do when he is sitting on Mommy or Daddy's lap. But it can be aggravating.
Actually it started before that when I was driving home and it was taking FOREVER. My time is so over-booked that some days I really resent driving a couple hours a day. Even though my pay and benefits are good.
Then da kane ticked me off. Then I had forgotten I had a side-job to do on an antique computer system in California. I cannot believe this company is still running this 15 year old PC with 20 year old software for an important part of their business. I am just about the only person in the United States that can help them for a reasonable sum and for some strange reason I feel obligated to assist. It only took about 90 minutes but STILL.
Today I continue to feel all pi$$y. Ugly word, but it truly fits. I can't really say Cranky anymore, because it makes me think of the crane on the Island of Sodor. (Where Thomas the Tank Engine resides). Irritable sounds like a rash.
Speaking of rashes, I found a new blog to love - DoctorMama. Check it out.
Now I am just rambling. This blog is starting to irritate me too - I do not spend enough time on my posts - it is more like a diary than any kind of art. Other blogs are so much better crafted than mine.
Ok, now I can hardly stand myself. Time to put the ear buds in with some "Adult Alternative" music and try to focus on actually doing what I am paid to do!

Return to the Working World

2006-08-28T20:46:00.000-06:00

Back to work today and it was BRUTAL.
The alarm going off at 4:45 - UGH.
I hit the snooze 3 times, therefore did not do a workout.
I thought I had kept up last week pretty well, but I was WRONG. Very busy, which made the day go faster.
I took the car in for an oil change at lunchtime. Put my tennies on to walk around the block while it was there (yay me!). Got to the end of the block and SWORE I smelled wacky tobaccy. It's been a lotta years, but this guy parked in his truck was glaring at me funny, so I walked back down the way I had come. At least it was 10 mins extra intentional exercise.
The drive home seemed to take forever, like the drive in. I guess I am so used to the 45 mins each way I had forgotten how LONG it takes.
I am exhausted and had forgotten about an outside job I promised to do tonight. It's done running now and it's 9 pm, and 4:45 comes awful early.

Attack of the Munching Redhead

2006-08-24T12:01:00.000-06:00

My lord, eat, eat, eat, that's all I'm doing for this one week online class at home. NOTHING is safe! Not the animal crackers, nor the cheese sticks!
I have done a few work-outs at lunchtime, which has helped with the bg levels at least.
I feel fatter than ever. The funny thing is that I keep reading about weight loss and diabetes control and then just do whatever! ARGHHH.

Regrets, I've had a few

2006-08-22T13:08:00.000-06:00

But not too few to mention.
There are only a couple of big regrets in my life. Even fewer that I am willing to discuss publicly.
My college experience. Although I discovered newspapers and started my first career at Slippery Rock; I thoroughly messed up the primary academic purpose of being there, and ended up dropping out. I could write a whole entry about it, but suffice it to say I have had more than a dozen opportunities to regret that.
My alcohol abuse. I wish I had somehow figured it out sooner, and perhaps I would have quit sooner and grown up spiritually and emotionally sooner. These 2 regrets are tied together in several ways, and launched their own smaller regrets throughout my life.
Starting motherhood so late. This is the one that I regret most of all, this is the one that I beat myself up over late at night. It appears that I started too late to have multiple biologic children as I have always wanted.
I ADORE my son. I really do. Even though I have this picture to blackmail him with later in life.
He has added dimensions to my life I never expected, as well as the ones I did expect.
I wanted so desperately to have at least 2 children.
I want James to be and have a sibling. My brothers are so important to me, and were such a big part of my life growing up, that I want that for James. I truly think your siblings are really the only people who totally get where you come from.
Our family feels a bit incomplete.
My body just wants another baby. I feel aches and yearnings when I see babies, which is each day that I pick James up at Kindercare.
I want the chance to do the infant thing again, hopefully better this time.
I want to take some of the pressure off James. The only child pressure, and the mommy-guilt-fear-hypochondriac pressure.
I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks pregnant before James, and I have had 3 since he was born, at 7, 7 and 8 weeks. This last disappointment really hurt.
I turned forty-four 10 days ago. I know that theoretically I am not too old to carry a baby - but I am 60 lbs overweight, I have hypothyroidism and Type 2 Diabetes. Getting in better health and shape is another regret - I just can't seem to do it.
I feel I must give up this 2nd baby dream, but it leaves me in tears each time I think it.

Off pins & needles, on a downer

2006-08-19T21:48:00.000-06:00

Nope. Negative, not gonna be this month.
I got the test results yesterday, then started my period today. Waste of a blood test, guess I could have just waited.
I was going to write about my reasons for still wanting a child. But I'm tired, and worn out and crampy and ugh, just don't feel like talking right now.

On Pins and Needles

2006-08-17T15:19:00.000-06:00

Alas, I have been blog-reading rather than blog-writing yet again.
There are so many talented women writing compelling blogs out there. Blogs on weight loss, on baby loss (miscarriage) and on diabetes. I start reading and if it's one I like, I go to the archives and can get lost.
Work has also picked up a bit this week. It's welcome. Another person is leaving our small, and getting smaller staff. It's difficult around here some days.
I am on day 36 of my cycle now. My cycles have always run 28-30 days, with the oddball 33 every few years. I bought a 2-pack of home pregnancy tests and both were negative.
They were the Wally World Equate brand and I noticed they have gone DOWN in price (5 pregnancies in 4 years and you notice the price). Once they were both negative, I looked more carefully at the box and they are now made in China, rather than Michigan or Canada. Hmmmmm.
I'm having a couple symptoms, but not my usual ones.
I call my beloved ob/gyn nurse. She is the greatest and has been there for me many times. It was her avoidance of eye contact at the amnio test almost 4 years ago that told me that the first baby was gone.
She says a blood test is the only way to know for sure, but the thyroid meds may have affected my cycle. I started on thyroid meds about 9 weeks ago. Shouldn't they have affected the last cycle instead? Not necessarily.
I went in and had my blood drawn this morning. My favorite phelbotomist was there and thrilled I was having a Quant HcG drawn. She has probably drawn a dozen of them on me. So I ended up telling her the story. She said I popped into her head a month or so ago at home and she hoped I would get preggers soon. My son asked last weekend where his brother was - very odd question, even from an almost-3 year old.
I have taken those 2 strange comments as a sign from the gods, heavens, whatever, that I am indeed pregnant again.
Only half, or even a quarter, of me believes this.
The other half thinks I will never have another baby. That makes me sad.
To be on the safe side, I am keeping my sugars in tight control and limiting my coffee to one cup a day.
Then I read about a 10 week old baby boy murdered by abuse and found to have several broken bones in various stages of healing and I get ANGRY. That poor precious child. How could those monsters have a baby and I can't? And why is adoption so expensive and so difficult? And I rage against it all for a few minutes.
Then tears............
then resignation................
maybe, someday............... acceptance.

Not the best Endo Visit

2006-08-08T14:50:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I got my A1c last week - back up to 5.7. Doc marked "excellent" on my form letter, but I beg to disagree. It was 5.4 last visit. I know for a fact I have not been very good about bg control the past 8-10 weeks.
I can only try for next time. I realize for many that 5.7 would be good, but not given my history - I was only 6.0 when diagnosed with Type 2 a year ago. Doc upped my Lantus 20%.
My thyroid hasn't come up to what he'd like to see, still a touch low. So, another prescription, which I only take 1/2 a pill a day of.
I don't know when I can get the prescription filled. My brother and sister-in-law came into town Sat night for a quick visit. I have not seen them in 7 years. I came down with a cold shortly after their arrival Sat night. It was the fastest I have ever caught cold in my life. Maybe from all the house-cleaning earlier in the day? I was fine, we went for a walk, got back and my nose was all stuffed up, we all commented that maybe something was blooming. Within 30 mins I had a sore throat and headache.
Since I never see this bro, I forged ahead with sightseeing Sun and Mon and today am back to work with next to no voice left. This is probably a good thing.
More people quitting and/or being given notice. Makes for a stressful workplace. Which in turn raises my bg. I'm not sure what to do. I will telecommute tomorrow and that insulates me somewhat, at least for tomorrow.

Sleep Deprivation

2006-08-03T05:29:00.000-06:00

About 4.5 hours of sleep last night, and it was choppy. Boy, am I tired.
We all know the effects of sleep deprivation on stress, weight loss and probably diabetes. My fbg this am is 98, higher than it *should* be. For potential pregnancy, they want me below 90 in the am. I can achieve that on these dosages of metformin and lantus, IF I get enough sleep and don't eat after 8 pm. Both of those appear to be unreachable goals this last week or two.
Yesterday was telecommute day. I started doing that again on Wednesdays. With a 45 min commute in each direction, it makes a huge difference. Plus with various other time savings, I can sleep in 1:20 longer. Ahhhhh.
My son also sleeps in, since I guess he doesn't hear me moving around. (Da Kane takes him to daycare, so theoretically he is able to sleep in everyday) He slept until 8, about 2 hours longer than normal for a weekday, about normal for Mommy being home. Daycare said he slept about 30 mins longer at naptime too. It's counter-intuitive, but the better rested toddlers are, the more they nap.
This is yet another source of Mommy guilt. 85% of the growth hormone is released during sleep. By contributing to his sleep deprivation, am I keeping him from growing?
Perhaps my biggest worry is that I will fall asleep at the wheel. Out here in the west, we do 80- 85 mph on the Interstate (75 is the official limit). Dozing off at that speed is a death sentence.
I am trying to cut out caffiene after 4 pm, but when I get home at 5 and Da Kane has made a fresh pot, it's hard to resist.
I also need Da Kane to keep the tv sound lower, since he usually stays up until midnight or so and is slightly hard of hearing, at least compared to me. He'll be watching down in the family room, and I can hear the tv - not make out the words, but hear the noise. When I'm having trouble sleeping, the quieter and darker it can be, the better.
I switched to the 7-4 shift last year from 8-5, I knew I was trading an hour of sleep for another hour with my son. A trade well worth it, but when I get on an insomnia binge like this week, it's 2-4 hours lost a night and I can't handle it. I do love the traffic at the earlier hour though, and it does save me some time because of that. Of course, leaving before everyone else in the dept means a lot of days I don't actually leave at 4.
Must go shower and wake up and function and move on out.
P.S. Da Kane is Hawaiian for The Man, and refers to my husband.
P.P.S. Made it into work safely. If it's not too hot today, I will take a nap in my car at lunchtime.

On Blogging (One)

2006-07-27T15:30:00.000-06:00

I have read that I must blog each day to maintain readership. Since I doubt I have any/many readers, that amuses me. However, it is good discipline, and perhaps will help me get some internal benefits from my blogging.
I am really enjoying investigating the blogosphere. Now I know what a meme is. I also found "blog seeds", which I will continue to explore. For today:
25 Things You Never Wanted to Know
1 - Bell Peppers make me belch
2 - Cucumbers make me belch, but pickles don't.
3 - I love both cucumbers and pickles
4 - I bought the biggest cucumber I have ever seen at the farmer's market last week.
5 - My mother taught me that ladies only use black ink
6 - I only use black ink, or colors for special occasions
7 - I hate blue ball point pens
8 - I am 60 lbs or more overweight
9 - I was diagnosed with diabetes 11 months ago
10 - One would think that #9 would cause me to do something about #8, but I just talk and write about it a lot.
11 - I am terrified of getting Lasix eye surgery
12 - I have worn glasses since I was in 6th or 7th grade
13 - I think my 2 yr old son needs glasses
14 - My husband has worn glasses since he was a toddler, I think
15 - I am so un-artistic, I am almost an anti-artist
16 - I admire artists' ability to create beauty
17 - My best work friend's last day was today.
18 - I love to take photographs
19 - I really wear a size 9 shoe, but I don't admit it and continue to say I wear an 8 1/2 like I did before my son was born.
20 - I am an ENFP most days.
21 - I love personality tests.
22 - I didn't start gardening until my late 20's and I love it
23 - I have a hard time sticking to any self-improvement path for long.
24 - I have red hair
25 - I have a LOT of freckles.

Rolled right on off that roll

2006-07-26T14:08:00.000-06:00

Hahaha. I did ok over the weekend, but what is it about the weekend that feels like a holiday, like you have to celebrate with food?
And how can I "forget" my nightly shot of Lantus? I even forgot that I forgot until I tested this am and my bg was 106. I know for a lot of diabetics that would be just fine, but I'm supposed to be under 90 for fbg. This is part of the trying to avoid another miscarriage plan. So I took my Lantus at 6 am today, which will mess me up a little all day long.
I made a faux pas at work, dealing with that all day. My best work friend's last day is tomorrow, dealing with that too. Yes, I spent 10 minutes on the floor of the server room crying my eyes out. That leaves me feeling icky. I decided to skip the departmental lunch and that turned into a big deal, it would have been easier just to go.
All in all, not a great day.
Here is a picture of my son and his new Thomas The Tank Engine bed. He loves it. Except when it's actually time to lay down and take a nap or go to sleep. Then it's "No, not that bed!". Oh well, he will adjust.

Funny toddler story - we went to a birthday party of a 2 year old in his daycare. It was basically mayhem - 15 toddlers, 25 or so parents at Gymboree with a slightly overwhelmed teacher. After 2 hours, James came over to me and stuck his hand out and said "keys". "What?" I said. "Keys, PLEASE", he says. "What do you need the keys for?". "GO HOME", said my precious little guy! Yep, he was going to take the car and leave me there and just go home. I think he'd had enough. I was very proud that he did that rather than have a screaming fit meltdown as some of the party-goers were doing.
2 hours and I can hang out with him and get away from this drama and trauma I call a job.

On a Roll - Day Three

2006-07-19T14:45:00.000-06:00

Here I am, early afternoon on my 3rd day back on track and it’s going GREAT!

I am working from home today. Anyway, I used to work from home one day a week, but then it stopped last year due to some personnel turnover and big projects. I asked last week and got the ok, so Wednesdays I get to sleep an extra 90 mins and be home at 4:01! The downside is that I am 10 steps away from the kitchen and there’s no one to judge my snacking.
But I have my tracker book out and I have written down the everything I’ve eaten so far, so I will just stick to doing it! I also don’t have chocolate or bad snacks in the house, except for some animal crackers that I don’t care for anyway, and hubby’s freezer pops which don’t appeal because my sugar shoots straight up from them.
I did 20 mins Yoga Mon and Tues. Mon the dog “helped”, last night DS “helped”. Tonight I’m going to try the stability ball while DS watches Thomas or Zoboomafoo, that might work better. But I will keep trying to squeeze in the 15 min McD’s yoga session before bed, it really does help my stress/insomnia/panic. And it’s so short, it’s easy to fit in. By the time you get out the mat, load the DVD, get through the warnings and ads, it’s more like 25 mins. Just like the 30 min dvd is really like 45. When I went to a gym, a 1 hour work out was almost 3 hours with packing and drive time, so I guess working out at home is an improvement.
I can't help but wonder if yoga won't help me sugar as well? Hard to say with only 2 days especially since I also quit eating after 8 pm. My fasting levels have been awesome.
Has anyone else noticed that injecting into a stretch mark tends to be less painful? I say tends because about 33% of the time I start to inject and OWIE! It hurts. When I use a stretch mark, it's only about 10% of the time I get the owie-factor. I know they indicate a tear in a skin or muscle layer or something like that, wonder if it's ok to use them?
I signed up for Glucerna's 13 week program for diabetics, but let it slide and now I'm 5 weeks into it, but really just starting. I've contacted them to see if they can reset my account and try again. I don't plan on buying a lot of their products, but it looked like a good plan overall.
Lastly, I've been reading lots of blogs about CGM, and it sounds fascinating to me to have a constant input on blood sugars and which way they're going. Since I'm Type 2 and no complications, there's no way I could get one approved. Does anyone know if it's possible to rent one for a few weeks? I bet that's not available yet, but as soon as it is, I want to rent one! Just to get a better understanding of how my body reacts to food and exercise.

On a Roll! 2 whole days!

2006-07-18T17:34:00.000-06:00

It's a miracle - 2 days in a row of eating right, sleeping almost enough and exercising a bit. Sugars are marvelous as a result and I dropped a pound! I see blogger is about to go down for some work, so I'll try to come back later.

Knowledge without action is useless

2006-07-17T09:15:00.000-06:00

I don't remember the attribution for my title, I read it over the weekend and it resonated.
I know a zillion tidbits of info on eating well and exercising and controlling my type 2 diabetes, but when I do not put any of that information to work, I have wasted the time spent researching, reading and learning. Thus this is my mantra for the time being, to motivate me to take ACTION.
I made a conscious effort to not snack last night and was rewarded with a fasting bg of 89 today. This week's effort will be focused on not eating at all after 8 pm and not having caffeine after 4 pm. To put all this information into action, I am going to focus on one or two new/changed behaviors a week. This is to make sure I don't get overwhelmed. I can't be the only one who has woken up Monday morning with a "new life" plan of a zillion things to do and totally washed out on it by Tuesday night.
Anyway, this is one small step I can take. Since my evening choices are generally sweets, I will eliminate a couple hundred calories a day with this, as well as dropping some points off the fasting sugars.
My next A1C test is 8/1, so it's probably too late to affect that one.
I believe my thyroid hormone replacement is kicking in, I certainly seem to have more energy. Not doing anything for my appetite, but not sure I'd know, since I mostly do emotional eating and rarely experience true physical hunger. That's on next week's agenda.
The weekend was very tiring. A marital tiff kept me from sleeping Saturday night, I got about 2 hours, which is not enough to keep up with a 2 year old all day. I did get 6 loads of laundry mostly done (1 load left to fold).
My dear boy had a birthday party to attend Saturday and that was fun, though 15 pre-schoolers running around for 2 hours was headache-provoking for not only me, but for my 2 year old as well! It's the first time he has said he wanted medicine that he could tell me a good reason - he rubbed his forehead and said "hurts here". Usually when he says "need medicine" and I ask what for he will respond with "need medicine" and I feel I can safely ignore his request, relegating it to the level of requesting a band-aid (Sesame Street or Backyardigan ONLY) for an injury free area. He knows about medicine from taking Claritin all spring for allergies.
A quick trip to the library and groceries at Sam's and the local store rounded out the rest of the weekend. I have started a price book in hopes of saving some $$, so shopping takes a bit longer than normal. I would expect after 3 or 4 trips, it will go much faster because I will have all our standard purchases listed. I am tired of buying things at Sam's or Costco and later realizing that it was actually much more expensive than a sale or Wally World. This way I will know which is the better deal.
On the gardening front, my tomato plants finally have some baby green fruits on them, more than 2 months after planting. I'm not sure I will ever adjust to trying to garden at 7350 feet elevation in the horrible soil of Colorado.

Bitterness is an awful breakfast

2006-07-13T08:22:00.000-06:00

I awoke late again this morning. Checked my email while slugging down my first cup of coffee and I had a birth announcement. It's not pretty, but it made me angry, jealous and a tad upset. That sounds just awful.
The father is the man I dated prior to my husband. Among other problems, he did not want to ever have kids. I wasted a year of fertility on him is how I look at it now.
When I was pregnant the first time in 2002, his new girlfriend got pregnant. I miscarried in Oct '02, they had a baby boy in I think March '03. My son was born in Sept '03. Since then, I have had 3 miscarriages and they have had 3 babies, including twin girls this week.
I hate feeling like this but it's hard to stop it. I intellectually know that if we had had a child together, I wouldn't have had my wonderful son James (though wouldn't his soul have come to me anyway? Depends upon your beliefs I guess). I also know we would have made a poor match long term.
I accept responsibility for frittering away so many of my good fertile years with partying and focusing on my career. All those years of using birth control and trying to avoid pregnancy, I had the belief that as soon as I stopped bc I would turn up pregnant - it doesn't work that way past 35.
But I'm still hurt and angry and touchy this am. It does not help that I started my period today too, so I'm not pregnant again this cycle and I'm PMS'ing. Emotionally, every cycle these days feels like another miscarriage.
I think I'm going to have to accept that dear son will be an only OR cough up the bucks to get to a fertility specialist.
I feel like a good cry, but I have to find someplace private to do so.
Last night was Mommy Movie Night and The Lake House was good although difficult to bend your mind around the time warping. Da Kane has been making lots of cutting remarks about my going, but he will have to accept it, as I have decided I need a few hours for myself a couple times a month. A movie or dinner or even a trip to the library - I deserve it!
I must put all this behind me for the day and get some work done. It's tough.

Where's my Motivation?

2006-07-12T07:56:00.000-06:00

Hey YOU! Over there, in the blue shirt! Did you take my motivation? No? Well, have you seen it? Call 911, see if we can put an APB out for it.

SIX MONTHS!

2006-07-07T07:37:00.000-06:00

Yes, it is six whole months since I puffed on a cigarette. On one hand, I can hardly believe it's already been 26 weeks, and on the other, it seems like a few years. Isn't that the way of important events? I cannot believe my son is already nearing 3, yet I can barely remember what life was like before he arrived.
It took a couple dozen tries to get here. The record before completely puff-free is 2 months. I made it 3 months twice, but was starting to cheat by that milestone. That's one trick I can share - it's the first puff that gets you, or "I'm a puff away from a pack a day". My quit gadget on Quitnet says I have NOT smoked over 3600 cigs as of today. Honestly, I have NOT smoked just one -- the first one. This is a recovery technique borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous, but like so many other AA sayings and techniques, it's applicable to any addiction.
Many time I have just barely made it. Here are some things that helped me.

Coming up with my own goal. For me it was 1 week for each year smoked, which will be next week. I convinced myself that when I reached that it would get much easier. I didn't see the great improvement at 30, 60 or 90 days that others did.
Not expecting it to get easier after a week or a month or 100 days. Everyone is different, but for me it was a very gradual improvement though nothing has been as bad as hell week.
Delay & distract. IE, I will not smoke one right now, but I can if I still want one this badly in an hour or tomorrow I can have it; then get busy with something else.
WATER. Ice cold water has magical properties when it comes to cig cravings
Sunflower seeds.
Fireballs - the hot jawbreakers.
Quitnet - incredible amount of online support and quit info.
Hubby quitting at the same time. Da Kane has had an easier time than I, it looks like, but never judge another's recovery. All I know for sure is that not having cigs in the house made my quit much easier.
A complete list of every single reason I can think of to quit that I reviewed all the time the first couple months.
Nicoderm Patch, compliments of the state of Colorado.
Nicotine gum, for the really tough spots the first few weeks. I actually like the new mint coated Nicorette.
Several supporters at work. Personally, it worked well to tell everyone I was quitting and have them check in with me. Unfortunately, people who have never smoked pretty much think it's all over and done after a month or so.
Rewards! I may have spent all the $600 I've saved by not smoking so far, but it was worth it. Particularly the 30 min massages a few times a month.
Knowing that it's not over yet and probably never will be. And that's ok today. I smoked for 27 years, maybe after 27 years smokefree I will not have to keep my guard up, until then I must be aware.
Anger at Big Tobacco. It really helps to read up on their deceitful and dangerous practices. Once you fully understand that they do not care that they are killing their customers, and would like to addict more teenagesrs to kill them too eventually, you don't want to give them more money.

In other news - I had a run in with a bag of jersey sour cherries (if you don't know what they are, think giant cherry-sized jelly beans) last night that necessitated 5 cc of regular humalog in addition to my lantus. I have not told my endo that I am doing that, I don't know why I am hiding it, it's not even once a week. Not sure what I'm going to go when I run out of humalog. Fasting bg this am was 93, so I guessed right on the dosage. Just another example of how I'm playing fast and loose with the disease. As long as I keep my A1C (avg blood glucose over 2-3 months) down, I feel like I can do whatever I want. I don't think that's necessarily true.
I just don't know where to start to overcome this addictive eating! Argh! But for today, I will just try to keep it mindful and celebrate my success over smoking.

2nd Monday this week :-(

2006-07-05T15:23:00.000-06:00

Yes, I worked Monday-monday (7/3), had a holiday yesterday (Happy b-day USA), and now I'm working Monday-wednesday (7/5). Obviously, I am not working that hard.......
Had a spell after lunch when I felt drunk. Checked my sugar - 107, pretty darned good for 30 mins after lunch. Don't know what it was, but come to think of it, I've felt it a few times this week. Is it the levothyroxine? Who friggin' knows? I am back to the 50 mcg a day dosage, cutting it in half for a couple days really helped with the feeling crazy, emotional, panic attack-prone crud I was going through. If that starts again, I am demanding to see the endo early - hahahahahahaaha. Those of you with a popular specialist know how amusing that statement is. Mine requires 3 office personnel, 4 nurses and a couple Nurse Practioners who are diabetes educators too. That's how popular he is. If 1 doctor and 2 NPs require 6 exam rooms, you know somebody's sitting around waiting. (it's not the doc)
Anyways, pulling the diet back onto the straight and narrow is harder than I even imagined. Gained 10 lbs in 1 month of being a slacker. This am, a co-worker came by and told me he had stocked up on goodies from Costco and to stop by.
I lasted about 45 mins before I was in his office getting dry roasted peanuts and jelly belly jellybeans. Not diet, nor diabetic foods, last I checked. Not a huge amount at least. Certainly not as much as I could have eaten.
How much of the nation's obesity epidemic is directly attributable to Costco, Sam's or other warehouse type stores? They do sell some healthy snacky stuff in individual sized bags but how easy is it to grab another bag when you have 48? Reminds me of the day I bought some choc chip cookie 100-cal packs and ate all 6 packs before bed. (6x100=600 or 37.5% of my daily calories)
But then I had lunch out already scheduled, and went to Applebee's. They actually have a great Weight Watchers based menu, but oh no, I had to order the spinach shrimp salad with hot bacon dressing. I told them to go light on the dressing, but the salad was drenched. At least I left a great deal of the bacon at the bottom of the bowl. And I got my daily supply of popeye green.
However, my sugars have been fine today. This tells me, and correct me if I'm wrong, that my lantus and metformin are geared towards my eating poorly. We'll see how it goes as I improve my diet.
I have so much dieting info floating in my head again that I'm confused. Between South Beach, common sense, carb counting and Diabetic Exchanges, I am lost. I think I will just log in fitday everything I eat for a few days and watch how it goes. ONLY for a few days, otherwise this vague of an approach will get dropped. More planning of foods, less reading of plans. Logging every bite always helps anyway.
Feeling better now, not so drunk and foggy. Walked upstairs and I was puffing a bit at the top. Haven't done that much since I quit smoking 179 days ago. Maybe I am retaining water?

Return Continued

2006-07-01T22:05:00.000-06:00

So, when last we met, I was up to why none of these medical issues have struck me as very serious and why that has changed.
I don't guess I really have a point - there has been no "AH HA" moment, no light bulb appearing above my head. I have spent my life waiting for such times, and they never come for me, I am more of a cumulative effect kinda gal.
Monday is 10 years since my Mother died. She started having her serious health issues at about my age - that's a part of it. She never really took care of her diabetes or weight issues. Didn't deal with alcohol until it caused so much pain that a little wine would put her in the hospital. (Pancreatitis).
My Dad and Step-Mom were just in town for 2 weeks. Dad will be 75 in a couple months, and his health is not the best, mostly because he has never addressed his diabetes or other health issues. He's losing vision in his left eye due to diabetic complications. He thinks nothing of waking up with a bg of 200.
Don't misunderstand me, my parents were/are very good people. But I would like to learn from their mistakes.
My mother never did quit smoking til the last trip to the hospital. My Dad quit at 42. I quit at 43, but the past 2-3 years I have spent more time not smoking than smoking, and hopefully that counts for something.
Interesting sidebar here - of my Dad and his wife, all original 4 marriage partners smoked. Dad quit at 42, Step-Mom quit at 40-something. Their spouses did not quit and both died in their early 60's. Does that tell you anything?
Ok, back to the topic at hand, to wit - me.
I have an almost 3-yr old son and I can see the day fast approaching when I cannot keep up with him. I don't want to be a spectator parent - I want to be active. Would losing 60 lbs and controlling my diabetes help? DUH.
I have been here so many times before though. All fired up about changing my eating and exercise behavior, only to see the motivation peter out rather quickly. One think I hope this blog will do is help me keep my motivation and focus going.
I thought blogging at 3fatchicks.com would help, but that turned into more of a forum, chatting and trying to elicit comments more than honest expression of my efforts and mental state.
Such as, why am I craving cigs more today than I have in a few weeks? Those that have gone before me over at quitnet say that anniversaries trigger this kind of thing, and I am only a few days away from 6 months. I can't begin to express how much I HATE craving poison. Which logically should keep me from smoking, but in actuality, it wears me down if I am not ever vigilant. I have not had a single puff since early 1/7/06, but I have blown a couple dozen prior quits because I let the desire and cravings wear me down. If da kane - my hubby, had not quit with me this time, I doubt I would have made it this long.
A big reason I am dwelling on the health issues is that I just feel like crap. I'm tired, I can't get a lot of normal chores done, I don't feel well.
Honestly, another reason is that I have to have some personal project to focus on. I will read, research, create a zillion charts and plans for a "while", then it all starts to peter out. I hate this about myself. I can be so diligent about work, or being a friend, daughter, mother - but not taking care of myself.
Is this low self-esteem? Or is that just an excuse I have trotted out regularly for 20 years?

Return of the Disappearing Blogger

2006-06-30T10:39:00.000-06:00

Like 60% of the US population, I started a blog in 2004 and never returned to it! Amazingly enough, blogspot did not delete it!
I began reading some blogs re: diabetes and was inspired to come back here and start a new blog, but I didn't have to.
Here I am.
Not much has changed since Dec '04. Still working at to be nameless huge multi-national, still living on our 7 acres outside of the Springs. Still overweight, though 20 lbs lighter. Still mother to one incredible, wonderful, precious little boy.
The biggest change has been the diabetes diagnosis, but that was a while ago ( 8/5/05). I was pregnant at the time, and my prenatal HbA1c came back at 6.0. "Normal" is 4.0 - 6.0 but doc said that it was Type 2. I lost that baby at 7 weeks and the A1c didn't come down much.
Another pregnancy in February (lost at 8 weeks) of this year appears to have triggered an autoimmune attack on my thyroid (purely conjecture on my part, docs have neither confirmed nor denied the link yet). At any rate my thyroid function is dropping like a rock.
Even starting the synthetic thyroid 2 weeks ago didn't shake me awake regarding my medical status, but it seemed to start the process.